General thoughts..studies, personal ability, medicine

It's a whole day at home studying, which is good. I'm just hoping to be able to spend some time at home, do some revision in preparation for attachment.

Covered quite a few topics today. Let's see..
1. COPD
2. Angina
3. Asthma
4. Pneumonia
5. Myocardial Infarction

I sat down and thought about my studying technique this afternoon. I realised that I have been spending so much time studying loads of stuff, and being so extremely kiasu that I cannot tolerate it whenever I don't remember a minor detail about things I have studied before. Because of that, it makes me really grouchy and stressed up all the time. It's so unhealthy, and I am seriously thinking of changing this (yeah..more changes...don't ask me what's wrong with me..i seem to be changing everything). I was wondering how I can make the most out of things within the shortest possible time, with the least effort. I really need to get a life manz. I'll probably die in no time if I'm cooped up in my comfy room (not that I don't like staying indoors) practically almost everyday during term time. I think I do need some time to have fun.

Hence, I have kinda decided that I shall read concise books, yet making sure it doesn't get tooooo concise by referring to another source which could probably give me more info...not too comprehensive...concise but yet sufficient knowledge for me to survive through my remaining yrs in med sch and get through my first few yrs of working safely. I shall be more realistic by changing my old mindset of 'reading more is better..it might not be useful for exams..but will make u a more knowledgeable doctor in future..' to 'get the essentials first..start with basics, get through med sch then slowly go in depth when u start being a doc'. BUT the major problem is....how much is enuff? How much is sufficient to get through med sch? I'm still not very sure of this (I'm sure most med students don't have the answer too), so my new strategy's gonna be a experiment..hopefully it will work well for me...

Was so bored of studying that I started chatting with Young Jong. He was asking me if I've been to Mexico and said he went there in his last semester break. Hmm..the last time I've been there was when I was 7. That's like...a real long time ago hor?

My impression of Mexico's somewhat like UK...dirty..and with beggars around. But I think Mexico's more poverty stricken as I could see child beggars everywhere (at least in UK, the beggars are adults).

Apparently, Young Jong said it's still the same. There are still tons of child beggars everywhere in Mexico. It then made me recall how I felt when I was there, witnessing all that.

Being an innocent 7 year old (I think I'm still innocent that time lah..but maybe I'm not..haha..I know too much for my age then), I felt really sad for those children. They were around the same age as me, some much older, some really young. They were dressed in torn dirty clothes, and their faces were full of dirt. They lived their lives on the streets like there was no tomorrow (duh..I bet they don't even know if they can survive through the day without food..how can there be tomorrow?). Though they were poor, I witnessed the innocent side of them...they were so contented with having toys to play, and mind you, those toys are those that singaporean kids won't want. They were gems to them, and some were even so kind to wanna share their toys with me and play with me when I stood around to look at them.

I remember myself wanting to befriend them, but some were so fearful of me. Now I'm wondering if they're fearful, or feeling inferior of themselves since I was dressed in clean and nice clothes, with parents who love me dearly. I guess I was still too young to be sensitive during then. I had no idea how I could help them, and make them happy and accept me, so all I did was to pester my parents for coins so that I could give it to them. If I had food in my hands, I gave them part of it. I remember pestering my parents for money so that I could buy them ice cream.

I vaguely remember this Mexican girl who is about my age with her siblings. I vaguely remember giving her some food, and instead of keeping it for herself, she gave them to her siblings so that they won't go hungry. And when my parents saw that, they bought more food so that each of them would have a share.

I also remember taking photos with them, holding their hands, with an intention to show them that I want to make friends with them. I still have those photos with me in Singapore if I'm not wrong. I made Dad take them..haha. If I had the pics with me now, I'll definitely post it up here.

I remember wondering to myself how I could bring them away from this poverty stricken land. There was a limit to what I could do at that age, so all I thought about was to give them as much money as possible..haha..wat a childish thought.

Things are different now though. I still pity them for being in such a state, but I know that it's impossible to help every single one of them. There is still a limit to what I can do, and the situation would still be the same..I would feel helpless..just like how I did when I was 7.

So I sat in front of my lap top and pondered. What extra things I can do being 23 this yr? I guess it's still the financial help...which is limited cos I'm still sponging on my parents. It's so frustrating knowing that despite 16 yrs' difference, there is nothing extra which I can do. Would things be different after I graduate (that's IF I ever graduate to be a doc)?

I've always wanted to volunteer my services to poverty-stricken places. Ok, I am spoilt in a way since I'm so fussy abt A-Z, and ppl might wonder how I'm ever gone live through one day in those places. Honestly, I don't know either, and I think I might die long term, so I thought that it's reasonable enuff to do it when there is some mission going on. I won't have to stay too long, I won't be away from home for years and years, and it won't be toooooo harsh on me to survive in poor conditions for a relatively short period.

Just as I'm typing this out, the 'You wanna be doc cos u wanna save the world..you think u're Mother Teresa?' sentence popped into my head. Till today, after a freaking long 4 years, my grandaunt is still saying this sentence to me each time she sees me. The last time I heard it from her was during CNY.

Yes, I do want to save, but I'll be mad if I can save the WORLD. Wah liew, be realistic lah, this world's so big...even if I work 365 days, 24 hrs a day, I won't be able to save the world. I only mentioned that I wanna help those who need my service or where my services would be beneficial, but I never ever said I wanna save the WORLD. I never understand why she doesn't get the point. Some credits for being misunderstood of aiming to be Mother Teresa should go to The Straits Times, whose journalist was so lame by not putting the other reasons I had for wanting to be a doc, but the 'I wanna save lives' reason. Recalling that news article, I think those who read it would probably think I'm some great liar, childish med student and it's no wonder why I'm not in NUS medicine, reason being I'll be thrown out of the interview on the spot if I said that. Saving lives is a fact, but because every Ah Kao and Ah Niao put that as a reason during med sch interviews, it has become the crappiest reason alive now.

Aiyah..anyway..grandaunt was never for me taking up Medicine from Day 1. She still thinks it's the ultimate wrong choice and should be the last thing I should do. No denial that she's got a point. Medicine's harsh...low pay..long hrs..expensive sch fees..takes too long to earn for luxurious living. But then again, what was it that made me do Medicine? It's passion, and I feel for people...I don't want them to be ripped apart from their families when they're trying so hard to stay alive. Everyone who had their loved ones leaving them for another world would know that pain. If I have the ability to at least try to let them stay with their family just for 1 more minute, why shouldn't I do it?

"Of all people, why you?!" was her argument all the time. I have no idea why me. It's something I always wanted to do (but I must admit that med sch sux). And my reply would always be the same..."Why not ask a Nun why she became a Nun..why of all people..her?"

Perhaps I'm saying this because I'm still a pathetic medic. Will things change when I start working? I've always console myself that it's the joy of seeing families get together again, the joy of seeing them walk out together from the hospital, the smile when they get well, which brought me into Medicine, and I'm hoping I will continue feeling this way throughout my med career in future.

I have seen a friend losing his enthusiasm in being a future doc, heard my doc relatives tell me that they regret doing medicine..I just heard too much from everyone. Only a rare few have not regretted. Even my Msian classmates here are doing it for the money and prestige. But is that the way to go?

I wonder..10-20 years down the road..if I become a Consultant (provided I ever make it to that rank..hahahahahahaaha...skali I get stuck to becoming a MO my whole life..*touch wood*)..and have medical students under my care, will I be able to tell them the fascinating things they can do when they graduate to become doctors? Will I be able to tell them that we're specially chosen by God to help others? Will I tell them that I have never once regretted doing Medicine? Will I be able to tell them that with my bare hands and passion, I made a difference to others around me?

I pray hard that I can...someday.. :)