I love you Jason
I am very down. Today's the first time I lost my temper at Jason. I didn't scold him, but I got so hurt I just turned off the webcam.
I apologised after that. Honestly, I don't know if I am wrong, but in order to just let it end, I think one party will have to give in. I'm troubled and lost, so I hope to use blogging to sort my thoughts for a while.
I am feeling guilty and down because I have hurt Jason once again. I tried to tell him something about me and I guess I shouldn't have done so. Everything was still going well and I can see him smiling again just now until I told him those things. I didn't expect things to turn out this way. If I could turn back the clock, I wouldn't have done so.
I am missing him a lot and like him, I am looking forward to see him online everyday, looking forward to see him on webcam. I want to hear his voice and I wish I was back home, where I will receive his calls few times a day. But I know it's not possible, being miles away from him.
A stern voice was heard on the other side when I called him. It kinda shocked me for a while. I thought Jason was blowing his top. I tried to say silly things to cool things down, and hopefully make him giggle. It didn't work. The way he sounded reminded me of the first few times I chatted online with him. Didn't like him much then. Had the impression he was the kind of guy who doesnt know what's smiling, and had no emotions. Very cold person.
As the conversation went, his voice gradually got softer and weaker. I know he is very sad, hurt, stressed and tired. His voice tells me all. I wish I could share them with him. I wish I could hug him and tell him I'm around. It's been 6 days since I came back to UK, and I know it has been difficult for him all this while. He has to cope with his neverending piles of work and me. He blogged and said he's exhausted and isn't feeling well everyday. I pity him a lot and feel extremely helpless. I am proud of him because I know he is trying his very best and working his hardest for me, but at the same time, I feel very sad when I see him working nonstop at the expense of his health. I rather have him being happy and healthy.
"Jason, I'm aware that you are insecured about the number of guys around me and where about that puts u when some of them are very capable. I've never despised you. I like you for who you are.
We went through so much just to be together..we've planned how to make our rship known to our parents..we've planned what will happen when we turn 28..we've planned wat rings we wanted etc. Those little bits mean a lot to me. You said you are convinced that I love you, and I think I've did my utmost to do so, but why are you doubting yourself again? Is it I haven't done enough? You asked me about the photos. Though they still mean something to me because afterall, they were once my sweet memory, but if you don't like it, I am willing to let you destroy them. I left them with you not because I want to stir up any unwanted emotions or jealousy in you, but because I want you to know that I'm willing to part with them and hopefully, rid any fears in you about me going back to them.
Ever since the day I responded to you holding my hand, I have decided to take this path. Before that, I was lost. I had to make a decision; be with him, you or give both up. The moment you held my hand tightly, I found my path and it was my first step into it. I'm still walking down this path with you hand in hand and I have never regretted since. We might have small disagreements occasionally, but I have never had any memories of unhappiness between us, only sweet ones.
I strongly believe we can brave the storms together and carry out our plans. I admit there are times I might turn a little shaky and worry, but trust me, from day 1, I have been faithful and true to you. I know I have many faults which might seem like big threats to our rship...please trust me that I will change for your sake. I've never thought of changing myself to accomodate others because I expect others to love me for who I am, to accept me for who I am. I guess I'm wrong with thinking this way. I should learn to give, that's why I'm trying to change as much as I can..just as long as it makes our rship smooth and happy..I'm willing.
As for my family problems, I'll take your advice. You just mean too much to me. I'm just as unwillingly to give you up. Promise me we'll leave it aside, ignore whatever they might say (probably they might not say anything at all!), and work towards our goal. I want to be with you dear. Please don't give up on us, please don't leave me. I need you, Jason. I love you..I really really do..
I apologised after that. Honestly, I don't know if I am wrong, but in order to just let it end, I think one party will have to give in. I'm troubled and lost, so I hope to use blogging to sort my thoughts for a while.
I am feeling guilty and down because I have hurt Jason once again. I tried to tell him something about me and I guess I shouldn't have done so. Everything was still going well and I can see him smiling again just now until I told him those things. I didn't expect things to turn out this way. If I could turn back the clock, I wouldn't have done so.
I am missing him a lot and like him, I am looking forward to see him online everyday, looking forward to see him on webcam. I want to hear his voice and I wish I was back home, where I will receive his calls few times a day. But I know it's not possible, being miles away from him.
A stern voice was heard on the other side when I called him. It kinda shocked me for a while. I thought Jason was blowing his top. I tried to say silly things to cool things down, and hopefully make him giggle. It didn't work. The way he sounded reminded me of the first few times I chatted online with him. Didn't like him much then. Had the impression he was the kind of guy who doesnt know what's smiling, and had no emotions. Very cold person.
As the conversation went, his voice gradually got softer and weaker. I know he is very sad, hurt, stressed and tired. His voice tells me all. I wish I could share them with him. I wish I could hug him and tell him I'm around. It's been 6 days since I came back to UK, and I know it has been difficult for him all this while. He has to cope with his neverending piles of work and me. He blogged and said he's exhausted and isn't feeling well everyday. I pity him a lot and feel extremely helpless. I am proud of him because I know he is trying his very best and working his hardest for me, but at the same time, I feel very sad when I see him working nonstop at the expense of his health. I rather have him being happy and healthy.
"Jason, I'm aware that you are insecured about the number of guys around me and where about that puts u when some of them are very capable. I've never despised you. I like you for who you are.
We went through so much just to be together..we've planned how to make our rship known to our parents..we've planned what will happen when we turn 28..we've planned wat rings we wanted etc. Those little bits mean a lot to me. You said you are convinced that I love you, and I think I've did my utmost to do so, but why are you doubting yourself again? Is it I haven't done enough? You asked me about the photos. Though they still mean something to me because afterall, they were once my sweet memory, but if you don't like it, I am willing to let you destroy them. I left them with you not because I want to stir up any unwanted emotions or jealousy in you, but because I want you to know that I'm willing to part with them and hopefully, rid any fears in you about me going back to them.
Ever since the day I responded to you holding my hand, I have decided to take this path. Before that, I was lost. I had to make a decision; be with him, you or give both up. The moment you held my hand tightly, I found my path and it was my first step into it. I'm still walking down this path with you hand in hand and I have never regretted since. We might have small disagreements occasionally, but I have never had any memories of unhappiness between us, only sweet ones.
I strongly believe we can brave the storms together and carry out our plans. I admit there are times I might turn a little shaky and worry, but trust me, from day 1, I have been faithful and true to you. I know I have many faults which might seem like big threats to our rship...please trust me that I will change for your sake. I've never thought of changing myself to accomodate others because I expect others to love me for who I am, to accept me for who I am. I guess I'm wrong with thinking this way. I should learn to give, that's why I'm trying to change as much as I can..just as long as it makes our rship smooth and happy..I'm willing.
As for my family problems, I'll take your advice. You just mean too much to me. I'm just as unwillingly to give you up. Promise me we'll leave it aside, ignore whatever they might say (probably they might not say anything at all!), and work towards our goal. I want to be with you dear. Please don't give up on us, please don't leave me. I need you, Jason. I love you..I really really do..
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