Torned between being selfish & helpful
Just admit it, I'm not gonna be good enuff no matter how hard I ever try.
Whenever this happens, I have to try so hard to forget what I heard, and tell myself endlessly to ignore ignore IGNORE. I have feelings too, and I do have times when I feel very lousy abt myself. Things do get sensitive then.
Why do you have to talk abt which family members got a scholarship or did well enuff to fight for one? From young, I was never as bright as them. I tried, but I failed to be as good. Finally got into Medicine, I thought I can at least save some face for myself, but I was oh so wrong! Even if I were to be a doctor one day, I'll NEVER be good enuff..never be someone u'll talk abt feeling consoled and proud of. In this family, what's the big deal of becoming a doctor? What's the big deal abt being a scholar? It's such a norm isn't it?!
Also, as the day goes, I feel uglier and uglier as a person. Perhaps I just can't stand hearing her name one more time. Perhaps I can't stand hearing you mentioning time and time again about her plight which looks as if I am obligated to do everything for her.
Why do I have to spend hours researching and so much pocket money of mine to buy my own medical books when she doesn't have to, but having Granny to come ask me (hence, making me super guilty when I give some excuses)? And worse, when I told u my dilemma abt giving for free and selling it to her at a big loss (like $10 for a book which I bought for close to $100), I had to see your black face, get scolded by you, hearing "it" again, being seen as selfish etc. I regretted completely for telling u.
I admit I'm selfish since I can jolly well be such a saint by giving her my most expensive books for free on acct that we're blood related. But the thing is WHY do I always have to work to build my own foundation, and what others have to do is use what I have built? They might be just books, but how much time, effort and money have I spent when I didn't even have a booklist to begin with or any relatives in Medicine who are willing to help? I don't feel good in any bit being this way too, and neither do I feel good having to be made use of all the time.
And it's good that she passed her driving test for the 1st time, but didn't I too? Why do u have to keep saying it again and again, emphasising the 1st time? And when I passed, nobody talked about it. But when she did, every single family member is talking abt it like as if nobody done it before.
Also, why are relatives only interested in how my medical curriculum and my days in the dissection room is like after she got into medicine? Was anyone that interested 5 years ago?
My uncle will be damn disappointed in the way I am now, and to be honest, I have no idea how I'm gonna face him if I have to go to the temple to pay my respects to him one day.
Trust me, if things didn't become this way, I wouldn't wanna be like that today too.
Whenever this happens, I have to try so hard to forget what I heard, and tell myself endlessly to ignore ignore IGNORE. I have feelings too, and I do have times when I feel very lousy abt myself. Things do get sensitive then.
Why do you have to talk abt which family members got a scholarship or did well enuff to fight for one? From young, I was never as bright as them. I tried, but I failed to be as good. Finally got into Medicine, I thought I can at least save some face for myself, but I was oh so wrong! Even if I were to be a doctor one day, I'll NEVER be good enuff..never be someone u'll talk abt feeling consoled and proud of. In this family, what's the big deal of becoming a doctor? What's the big deal abt being a scholar? It's such a norm isn't it?!
Also, as the day goes, I feel uglier and uglier as a person. Perhaps I just can't stand hearing her name one more time. Perhaps I can't stand hearing you mentioning time and time again about her plight which looks as if I am obligated to do everything for her.
Why do I have to spend hours researching and so much pocket money of mine to buy my own medical books when she doesn't have to, but having Granny to come ask me (hence, making me super guilty when I give some excuses)? And worse, when I told u my dilemma abt giving for free and selling it to her at a big loss (like $10 for a book which I bought for close to $100), I had to see your black face, get scolded by you, hearing "it" again, being seen as selfish etc. I regretted completely for telling u.
I admit I'm selfish since I can jolly well be such a saint by giving her my most expensive books for free on acct that we're blood related. But the thing is WHY do I always have to work to build my own foundation, and what others have to do is use what I have built? They might be just books, but how much time, effort and money have I spent when I didn't even have a booklist to begin with or any relatives in Medicine who are willing to help? I don't feel good in any bit being this way too, and neither do I feel good having to be made use of all the time.
And it's good that she passed her driving test for the 1st time, but didn't I too? Why do u have to keep saying it again and again, emphasising the 1st time? And when I passed, nobody talked about it. But when she did, every single family member is talking abt it like as if nobody done it before.
Also, why are relatives only interested in how my medical curriculum and my days in the dissection room is like after she got into medicine? Was anyone that interested 5 years ago?
My uncle will be damn disappointed in the way I am now, and to be honest, I have no idea how I'm gonna face him if I have to go to the temple to pay my respects to him one day.
Trust me, if things didn't become this way, I wouldn't wanna be like that today too.
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