Frustrations

I must taken the piss out of Darren when he chatted with me. I wasn't myself today..or should I say..I couldn't express myself at all. My mind was confused, I was lost, I don't know what I should do next and how to find my own happiness. As a result, I got frustrated. I said things which were heartless, cruel and mean. I wasn't being rational too. I was too busy trying to purge everything out at one go that I couldn't think.

I'm sure I sounded really bad that Darren has to tell me he's reassessing me as a person. And I do agree that my frustrated and angered feelings within, deserved me being called spoilt and childish by him.

I have completely lost myself and I can't find it back no matter how I have tried. Medicine aside, I have no idea what else I'm aiming for. I don't know what else makes me happy & keeps me interested.

Mum blurted out very very recently that I have lost my fighting spirit, my undaunted nature & my self-confidence. I argued with her about it. I acted like I didn't give shit abt what she said, but the truth was I was feeling really down. I knew she was right. But apart from telling her that she's right, what else can I say? I couldn't tell her I'm depressed over not being to get back old me. I couldn't tell her I'm lost and exhausted with failing countless times at finding it back, and how much I could turn heck care enuff, live a slp-wake up-eat kinda "life" & be a social pain, yet no matter how much trouble I bring to anyone, it doesn't concern me. I know that sounds very childish, rebellious and immature if I ever say that, but sometimes things just go the stage whereby u just don't wanna care anymore.

And with constant reminders of what happened last yr, I don't feel the support or encouragement to overcome and move a step forward, resulting in ppl who are supposed to help me becoming more pissed (I'm sure Prof Kua gave up on me ages ago). I cannot blame my parents for reminding me of the incident because they won't know how I felt at that point of time. They probably think I wouldn't feel hurt & might have a "provoking" effect on me, but they are SO WRONG. It just backfires everything instead. At times when I feel more demoralised, bitter and discouraged than ever, I wonder if calling home during then was the right move made. I mean..I didn't call home just to be constantly reminded of something I wanna forget. If I had made the irresponsible alternate move, would things be different?

To sum up my feelings, I can just say I'm sick of everything..family, relatives, friends, relationships, having emotions, my struggles, myself.

I wanna find my definition of happiness, but I dunno how abt to do it, and where to head.

I need to explode, but there's no opening.

I'm really very tired with my life...