Marriage

If I got the right person from reading Si'en's blog, one of my ex-classmates is getting married at the end of this year. We used to be pretty close, but for some reason, our friendship ended and till today, I do not know why. Anyway, I feel really happy for her and I sincerely give her my blessings.

Watching my friends getting attached and heading towards marriage or have already got married makes me feel happy for them, envious and at the same time, confused. Happy because they have found someone whom they feel they are willing to spend their whole life with and their better half feels the same. Envious because...I do not have it, and somehow, I'm curious to find out what this "happiness" is like. Confused because before I can find out what this is all about, I've heard so much..seen so much...till I wonder if that is what I should define as part of one's happiness.

Maybe the time isn't right, maybe there will never be a time, maybe marriage is because it allows 2 ppl to live and love each other eternally legally, maybe marriage is the end of the love and the beginning of a new nightmare, maybe I'm not good enuff to secure my rships, maybe others think I'm not a girl to be taken seriously, maybe I'm thinking too much. Maybe..maybe. It just goes on and on.

It is only right if I get married off one day and have kids. And if I were to have a mind of a traditional Chinese girl, I should be hoping that this day will come fast.

However, the tough part arises. Part of me wants to stay the traditional way of carrying out the duty of a female by getting married and nurture the next generation. Yet the other part of me is different. I'm afraid, unwilling to go beyond the barrier I've decided to build in order to protect myself, trying my very best & forcing myself to cast all thoughts of rship and marriage aside and focus on nothing but Medicine, trying to convince myself constantly that unmarried women can also get their share of happiness using their own ability, money, strength and power...and that is something to be very proud of. I know some are gonna think "Money can't buy happiness"..well..I'm not saying that that thought is wrong, but it's very subjective. Money can buy happiness in a way actually.

Anyway, at times I wish I was borned in a family that will match make me with someone they think is good and marry me off when I'm of a suitable age. But more often than ever these days, I wish I can totally rid every little thought abt getting married so that I'll never think of rships and marriage again, and stay focus on only things that are of great importance to my own future.