Is this how my life is gonna continue to be...?

When I was still a student, determined to enter medical school, I was told that I will come to realise that idealism will always remain so. I was told to accept realism.

I fought. I struggled. Even after graduating, I continued to fight the battle. Against reality.

Then when I was at the brink of falling apart, someone told me to stop fighting, to accept reality, to accept my destiny, go with the flow and see what else life has in store for me.

I took that advice. I stopped fighting.

I wanted to lead a peaceful life. No more fights. No more politics. I wanted it all to end.

I thought I can finally be at peace with myself, but some things are hard to break away from. I still want to be a doctor...a doctor who does her best for her patients....a doctor who is doing good....a doctor I feel proud of.

But the last 1 year has showed me the power of money, the power of greed. Money buys friendship, buys conscience, buys one's dignity. Greed buys one's sight.

Having accepted the job offer by someone I had regarded as a friend was the start of losing this friendship. I couldn't understand why she had changed to a person I no longer recognise. Being already born to a filthy rich family with a fortune she could live off her entire life, I couldn't understand why money is above all to her, to the point where ethics no longer exist, where everything else can be sacrificed.

I grew to accept that our paths are different, and told myself that greed has got her blind. Maybe it's just her. I wanted to believe it to be that way.

However, I'm wrong. I seem to be in a different league from them all.

No longer do I feel like I'm working with doctors. Ethics, professionalism and respect doesn't seem to exist in them anymore. Every move taken is due to greed. When things are clearly wrong, one can still degrade himself/herself further to sing praises just to suck up to management. Yet have an ego too big to accept direct criticism from another who disagrees.

I am a doctor. And I want to be respected as an individual, as a professional, totally disconnected with the wrongs of the clinic I'm in. I have my dignity. I see no need for any insult.

Hence, I've been out of sync with the rest, and am seen as an outcast, and more so when I declined investing in the clinic. My voice can be done without, which is why I don't talk anymore. My presence at work is a monetary exchange for generating more revenue for the clinic. My skills are no longer guided, but left for me to learn on my own. I have a huge thirst for knowledge, but whenever I want to learn, I get turned down. Even if a reply is given, my questions are never answered, or the answer given is doubtful. As a result, I have to find my own way to learning, finding the answers to my questions myself, piecing them together and then realising that many things I was told are not right. Sad fact that I can't even trust others around me to teach me.

Yet, despite the difficulties and unhappiness I face, I still continued dragging myself to work, and hope to find at least a little bit of joy and comfort from patients who are nice. I asked myself why do I bother to stay, and sadly, it boils down to money.

I'm not expecting myself to be rich. But I do want to earn as much as I can now to build a strong foundation for myself, and my current job fulfils that. I don't wish to spend the rest of my life the way it is now, and the only way to get out of this is to quickly get my foundation laid, so that I can have the freedom to do what I think is needed of me as a doctor. I hate going to work, and every morning, I  have to remind myself that I'm gonna be one step closer to my exit, just so that I can make myself turn up. Sigh.

It's another long ranting post of mine again, since I needed an outlet and I can't find someone suitable to pour my sorrows to. Crying it out as I type this has indeed made me feel a bit better. Hopefully I'll be able to go to bed now.

Gonna be another dreaded day seeing my most dreaded colleague later. Will try my best to brave through this...

I really hope all the nonsense can come to an end soon. Please let the light be in sight soon.

First step towards Motherhood

Ok, this is probably one of the biggest decisions I have made to date. And the one BIG fear I shall overcome - To be a Mum.

I don't hate children. In fact, I love children. But the lifelong responsibility and huge financial commitments that comes along with it has put me off big time. I fear for being unable to have time to give my child all the love and time he/she deserves. I fear for being unable to provide him/her with the best environment and needs for a good headstart in life. I fear being unable to bring up a child well enough to be deemed one with good values.

Yes, I fear about anything possible, simply because of my own expectations of being a parent. I don't wish to live the rest of my life in regret and remorse, if I do ever fail to bring up my child properly because I wasn't able to provide the right things in life for him/her to maximise his/her potential.

Hence, I've been popping pills daily to prevent pregnancy even though Jason doesn't like it.

Marriage has been sweet so far, despite the ups and downs. I'm still enjoying being the centre of his attention, and being the "princess". But just as I'm enjoying all that, I need to realise that life doesn't revolve around myself anymore. Taking the vow on our wedding day is the start of our lives together. I'm no longer responsible and accountable to only myself.

Jason wants a child, and his enthusiasm and excitement towards embracing fatherhood made me undergo a mental struggle. He has been very patient and sweet, allowing me to take as long as I need to prepare myself mentally. I tried. I took the courage to walk into baby shops, fiddling with toys, looking at baby cots, looking at maternity clothes etc.

And I guess I've decided that it is time I take my first step out. I have stopped my pills.

All the time, I've been telling myself and everyone that I'm not ready to be a mum. But perhaps like what many of my patients have told me, one will never ever be ready to be a mum. I will just need to relax, let nature takes its course, and embrace it when it comes.

Seriously, I am worried. It's like entering a tunnel and you have no idea what's ahead. I hate this feeling of uncertainty, and I can foresee myself going blank if my pregnancy test ever comes back positive. Hopefully, during this period of trying, my fears will slowly ease off, and I'll learn to accept and love my upcoming phase in life.

Wish me luck! :)

Rough Patch

The journey remains rough, and I'm no less troubled...but of course, with a whole set of different problems.
Dear told me that I've been talking in my sleep again. Now, that's a sign that I'm under immense pressure.

I am. I don't deny it.

Family..career...money..housing...what's next...

Not only do I have to worry about myself, I have to worry for my husband and our families.

All I'm praying for is stability and that no more shit comes my way to mess up my already-very-messed-up life. The former seems tough at the moment...I guess as long as I don't sink and drown on this ship I'm currently on, it's considered a blessing. Shouldn't hope for more.

But one very important thing which took me ages to realise, and unfortunately will take me a little while to adapt, is to accept the fact that the world is ugly, and not every soul is supposed to be human like how I perceive every human being to be, unless proven otherwise. Everyone seems selfish, and no one ever bothers to watch out for one another anymore. Neither does anyone treat another being like how they wish to be treated anymore.

Life is already as tough as it can get, and I've always been puzzled at why anyone would want to make life even tougher. Things can be a lot better if everyone tries to make the environment a little bit happier/comfortable. But like what Dear used to say, the world is made up of billions, and not every human being thinks the same way I do.

Well, I'm not sure if I'm a dying breed, but I sure know that by questioning myself about why the world isn't the way I think it should be, isn't going to make my messed-up life any better. So the wise choice would probably be to accept it, adapt and move on. Sometimes, I wish I can just let the bitch in me go.

Sigh..

My mind's a disorganised mess at the moment, and it's starting to become a bit overwhelming. I suppose I should really try to find a nice quiet corner, slowly type down what's in my mind over a warm cup of hot chocolate, and try to organise it a little. Hopefully I'll be able to understand myself better, and make plans of how to solve them.

Consoling myself now that maybe it might not be as bad as what I think. Fingers crossed.

＂家＂是什么？
只不过是一个让我挡风挡雨的地方。

＂结婚＂是什么？
只不过是双方在一张纸上签个名罢了。

＂老婆＂ 是什么？
只不过是个让老公反感的女人。

＂信任＂是什么？
只不过是个让人背叛的东西。

＂幸福＂又是什么？
只不过是一个我以为我拥有，却从未拥有过的。

为什么当初得生下我？
为什么身为父母 ，就不能以身作则，做个好夫妻的榜样？
为什么让我觉得你们都是最完美的，才让我发现你们的不完美？
为什么对我这么的不满，却坚持要娶我，发誓永远都要照顾我，让我快乐？
为什么娶了我后，就没那么关心我和顾虑到我的感受了呢？

为什么？！为什么？！

好想这一睡，就永远不再起来了。。

Maybe I shouldn't have gotten married. Things change. People change.

The voice from a crushed soul

Woke up suddenly, and all the bad memories starting flooding in. I'm sleeping a lot more compared to before, definitely well-rested, but quality sleep is still a problem.

A few days ago, I went back to a place which has brought me a lot of pain. It wasn't a good feeling being there, and I was dying to get out after signing some documents. Many years ago, I was looking forward to returning home to start my career path in this place. I worked hard. I had a dream, I had my ambition, I clearly knew how I was going to achieve it.

But a sudden change in government policies changed and destroyed it all for me...almost overnight. I fought hard, and with every failed attempt, I seeked hard to find the reason for my failure/rejection. Yet, each time, no one could give me an answer. Because of this, I questioned myself and my competency. Was it because I haven't passed my exams as quickly as my country's culture will allow it? Was it because I was deemed "unsafe" compared to my peers? Was it..was it..was it...? The questions I had for myself was uncountable.

My morale starting plunging at a rapid rate, so quickly that it became a struggle for me to stop it. At the same time, it was difficult to talk to anyone, even to my Professor whom I trusted. Sometimes when one feels rock bottom, you just need someone who is in the same field, someone of a high status whom you trust to tell you the truth (even if it's the worst).

Then came along one day when I felt incapable of carrying on anymore, a Prof whom I hardly know decided to have a word with me. I could still remember how he looked when I broke down in his office as I was telling him how I felt. I pleaded with him to tell me the reason behind my countless rejections. The answer? "There is nothing wrong with your competency. You were just one of the unfortunate few who got affected by the change.."

I would have appreciated it a lot more if I was told this a few years ago. It would have saved me from the struggle I have continuously put up, and definitely saved me from a lot of mental torture. Thank you for destroying my dreams. Not as if it would have mattered to anyone in this country since I'm not blue-blooded.

I wouldnt say that I have "recovered". The fact that I still feel like crap being back at that place a few days ago proved that I have yet to fully let it go. The fact that I dare not reply my trusted Prof's sms was a sign of my fear to see or talk to her again. The reason is simple. I don't know what to tell her if she asked me if I am ok.

I have now left the system, and have entered into another medical field. And this convinced me further that my country is a condemned land. Dad had provided me the pathway to leave this place, but I chose to return, which I must say is my BIGGEST regret to date. I shall not let history repeat itself when I have my kid.

It isn't my nature to be unscrupulous, selfish and pretentious. I wasn't taught to be greedy either. But having now entered this money-making field of medicine, I feel no different from being one. Anyone would be proud telling their friends/family about the field I have entered, but I don't. If I can avoid being questioned, I would choose to avoid it completely. It isn't me, and my nature doesnt make me one of them. I don't enjoy "socialite-like" parties, drowning in top grade French wine, partying on yachts, and spending unnecessarily on a luxurious lifestyle which doesn't make me a better person. The amount spent on these could have been a year's livelihood expenses for the poorest in my country. However, I realise that there is nobody who will be willing/bothered about me and my thoughts, and I will just have to again, find a way out for myself.

I don't know what my future is going to be like anymore, and I'm just living by the day. I have somewhat given up on what I would like to achieve for myself. I guess it's gonna be more worthwhile working hard to build the platform for my next generation. Hopefully this new field will allow me to get this done.

In the meantime, I shall try to find my direction back into Medicine. I went in for a pure reason, and I hope to find it back.

Hopefully it wouldn't take too long.

I made a big decision today.

I'm not sure what this decision might bring, and whether it is a right thing to do. Although I have resigned to my fact that I'm not blue-blooded, and hence, there is a limit to my ability in this society, I cannot help but feel even more disappointed with my life.

Wanting to protect my family, and making sure that they will always be safe seems like the hardest thing to do at the moment.

I sincerely pray that things will turn out well soon...