Things tt seem 2 real 2 be true aren't at all...
I was worried I would suffer another night of insomnia last night. Fortunately, I didn't. But I can't say I slept very well, despite not waking up totally throughout my sleep. I had a dream...(or was it a nightmare..?)
I dreamt of someone again, but in the weirdest and most impossible situation. I can remember exactly what it was all about. It was so real, and how I felt was exactly the same as how it was before. I was worried, putting in all my effort to make sure he's alright. My heart went into a big mess when I heard that he wasn't fine in my dream. I saw him in a room, through a door opening but he didn't notice me at all. I stood there and looked at him. I saw him struggling with his studies, sensed his pain..I felt them all from within me. I was so near, yet so far. It was painful on my side, cos I was right there praying for his pain to ease soon, wanting to tell him that 'No matter how far apart we are, I will be there". I was desperate to do anything, but my fear that he wouldn't want me near him, all I did was to hold myself back and just watch from afar. I cried in my dream because I could not help, and I couldn't even share it. Even the simplest thing like going a step closer to him, I couldn't do it. At the moment, I really wished I wasn't human at all, but an invisible individual with special abilities, just so that I can go through that door, be right in front of him, and use wateva special abilities I had to ease his pain and sorrows.
I wanted to take a longer look at him. But my stupid alarm clock ruined everything by going off. I got up from my dream then, and feeling extremely lost when I opened my eyes. On one hand, it was a relief to me that it was all a dream. On the other, I wish it wasn't..so at least I can have a chance to tell him things (that's IF I ever got daring to just barge in to make my presence known).
There's this concrete structure at the side of the entrance of the lane which I'm living in. That place means something to me. It's where I go to to meet bf/friends who wanna meet me at my place, but not going into my house. It's a great place because my parents won't be able to see who I'm meeting by peeping out of the balcony too. It's also where I go to when I need to sit down and pour my heart out before going into the house, so that my parents won't know.
No one actually meet friends there, except me. And somehow, if I ever see anyone waiting for someone there, I tend to get very curious, and wonder if that person's someone I know.
For the past dunno how many months, everytime I was near that place, I will try to see if there was anyone, but there never was.
This evening, there was someone. Someone wearing a white OCS singlet. My eyes widened for a while, and I could feel my heart beat faster. Then when that person turned round..I realised it wasn't someone I know. It's my neighbour's bf. I got very disappointed instantly. (I should have expected it cos I'm quite sure he doesn't remember where I live....maybe not even my contact number. He got these wrong even when we're together..so it'll be a miracle if he can remember anything now)
I don't know why I got excited and panicky when I saw someone there. I shouldn't have. What was I thinking...? And this is ruining my mood at the moment.
I'll try to sleep over it and hopefully be able to smile at myself again in the morning.
It's 2005 now. A new yr. And since it's a new year..there must be a brand new start isn't it? I shall remind myself about this every now and then.
(Someone once said, "When you lose something, you'll be blessed with something else to replace it.." What is that 'something else'? If I could turn time back, I won't want to lose anything. I don't want anything new to replace it because I was very satisfied with what I had...no regrets at all.)
P.S.: I was contemplating if I should blog this down, and decided I shall go ahead since it's MY blog..for my inner thoughts. When I am much older one day..perhaps..this entry will remind me how silly I was, and let me see how much I've grown up over the years..(hopefully, I do grow up lah)
I dreamt of someone again, but in the weirdest and most impossible situation. I can remember exactly what it was all about. It was so real, and how I felt was exactly the same as how it was before. I was worried, putting in all my effort to make sure he's alright. My heart went into a big mess when I heard that he wasn't fine in my dream. I saw him in a room, through a door opening but he didn't notice me at all. I stood there and looked at him. I saw him struggling with his studies, sensed his pain..I felt them all from within me. I was so near, yet so far. It was painful on my side, cos I was right there praying for his pain to ease soon, wanting to tell him that 'No matter how far apart we are, I will be there". I was desperate to do anything, but my fear that he wouldn't want me near him, all I did was to hold myself back and just watch from afar. I cried in my dream because I could not help, and I couldn't even share it. Even the simplest thing like going a step closer to him, I couldn't do it. At the moment, I really wished I wasn't human at all, but an invisible individual with special abilities, just so that I can go through that door, be right in front of him, and use wateva special abilities I had to ease his pain and sorrows.
I wanted to take a longer look at him. But my stupid alarm clock ruined everything by going off. I got up from my dream then, and feeling extremely lost when I opened my eyes. On one hand, it was a relief to me that it was all a dream. On the other, I wish it wasn't..so at least I can have a chance to tell him things (that's IF I ever got daring to just barge in to make my presence known).
****************
Back to reality now.
There's this concrete structure at the side of the entrance of the lane which I'm living in. That place means something to me. It's where I go to to meet bf/friends who wanna meet me at my place, but not going into my house. It's a great place because my parents won't be able to see who I'm meeting by peeping out of the balcony too. It's also where I go to when I need to sit down and pour my heart out before going into the house, so that my parents won't know.
No one actually meet friends there, except me. And somehow, if I ever see anyone waiting for someone there, I tend to get very curious, and wonder if that person's someone I know.
For the past dunno how many months, everytime I was near that place, I will try to see if there was anyone, but there never was.
This evening, there was someone. Someone wearing a white OCS singlet. My eyes widened for a while, and I could feel my heart beat faster. Then when that person turned round..I realised it wasn't someone I know. It's my neighbour's bf. I got very disappointed instantly. (I should have expected it cos I'm quite sure he doesn't remember where I live....maybe not even my contact number. He got these wrong even when we're together..so it'll be a miracle if he can remember anything now)
I don't know why I got excited and panicky when I saw someone there. I shouldn't have. What was I thinking...? And this is ruining my mood at the moment.
I'll try to sleep over it and hopefully be able to smile at myself again in the morning.
It's 2005 now. A new yr. And since it's a new year..there must be a brand new start isn't it? I shall remind myself about this every now and then.
(Someone once said, "When you lose something, you'll be blessed with something else to replace it.." What is that 'something else'? If I could turn time back, I won't want to lose anything. I don't want anything new to replace it because I was very satisfied with what I had...no regrets at all.)
P.S.: I was contemplating if I should blog this down, and decided I shall go ahead since it's MY blog..for my inner thoughts. When I am much older one day..perhaps..this entry will remind me how silly I was, and let me see how much I've grown up over the years..(hopefully, I do grow up lah)
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home