I miss you..

I havent been well over the past few days.

Today, after controlling myself for some time, I broke down. I wanted to stop, but it was tough. My tears just wouldn't listen to me, and it felt really shitty wiping my face again and again on the bus. I hope no one noticed...I tried keeping my head real low anyway. And the moment I got off, my tears just rolled non-stop, and at least, I didn't have to control it that much since the walk to my house is quiet. No one will see me.

I'm feeling terrible at the moment, and have so so so much I want to say to him. I know there will be others reading this, but I don't think I give a damn...I need to let it out..

*************

Dear Jason

How are you...? It's been almost 2 months since I last saw you, last spoken to you. It's also supposed to be the day I have to force myself to put you aside because of what I said. I tried very hard, but I'm tired of doing so...and I feel hopeless of not being able to..

I still think of you a lot despite of what you said. I am not sure if you know what kind of trouble I've got into recently. I think you probably do to a little extent. Your last sms to me, I still have it in my hp. You sounded furious and pissed off then.

Honestly speaking, I was hoping to have a chance to explain myself, but I know you were already disliking me, even if I were to say anything, maybe you won't believe me. When you called me, I'm not sure if you could sense how I felt when I said 'hello'. I was hoping to hear your voice..without any arguments between us anymore. I was about to tell you what I wanted to say, but when I wanted to do so, I realised the call ended.

I sincerely pray that you will be reading this entry, and tell me I've got you next to me, protecting me and caring for me...just like the way you talk to me and calm me down when I wasn't in perfect condition.

When you were told about 'it', what was going through your mind? Did you believe in what u heard? I am afraid that u did. I feel really down about it, because I know this will pull us further apart. Others are always saying this, "If there is trust, he will believe you're innocent".

On one hand, I was consoling myself that you'll trust me enough to not believe the rubbish you've heard, yet on another, with the situation then, you just might. I want to tell u the truth, like I always do. I don't love anyone else, and I have not never thought of loving anyone else but you. Despite of what heppened, I'm still holding on every second to everything you've told me, and what I've promised. You know I never want promises and never want to give it either, because promises never seem to come true. But I knew you wanted it and because I know it meant a lot to you, I'll make an exception by giving it to you...and I told myself I won't break it. I shall prove things to you..I want to show you we'll make it..who said we can't have a fairytale ending?

I'm feeling very bothered about this till now. I had a 2nd round of it again from the same person 2 days ago, and it's affecting me. I'm really pissed at the fact why this happen again when I have done absolutely nothing. I am not minding too much if anyone else is doubting me, but each time this happens, the first person I will think of is you. I will be continually asking myself what you will think of me...will you believe that I'm innocent...and if you're alright. I'm very worried about you, even though I was thinking maybe you won't care about me anymore.

Up to this very second, I still can confidently say I love you. I believe who I saw isn't you. I believe who I heard from isn't you. The Jason I know will never hurt me. I'm praying with my whole heart that all this is just a nightmare, and when this is all over, we'll be happy together again. We've always been that way no? Remember us luffing over how quickly we get over our arguments? I really believe we'll get through it. I won't let you go when you are at your lowest. I can't. Please don't push me away...please don't put on a front. I am willing to accept you for who you are. I made that clear before, and it'll always stay that way. I'm serious. If I have to make any changes for you..as long as you can be happy again...I will do it all for you. I want you to stand up again. It hurts me to see you this way.

I really wish you'd never let me go. I swear I still love you Jason. I really really miss you very much.....