New laptop, but Im not very happy..

Didnt't get to go online for a whole day and finally I've managed to! Reason being a problem in my Fujitsu laptop. I'm not sure what's wrong with it, but my housemates reckon it must be the hard disk which is dying on me. Oh well, so there I was panicking and losing my cool again. Just then, Mum called and she suggested getting a new one which Dad agreed too. Hence, I'm BACK with an all new TOSHIBA laptop.

Went to PCWorld with my housemates to get it this afternoon. There is such a limited range of laptops in UK..haiz..miss the comp shops in sg manz. I saw some real cool desktops which look just like a laptop! Not sure what's that called anyway..by SONY. Very very beautiful, but costly. Finally after long discussions, I set my mind to getting this A30-921. Hope it's gonna work well and not give problems...at least wait till I grad from uni..*prays hard*

I am definitely gonna blog tonight, but wasn't sure when I will do so. But I had to get things off my chest before I start studying again. I have been tooooo slack yesterday and today, and it's time to make up it.

So what's bothering me..

By right, I shouldn't blog about them because I know Jason will not be pleased about it. Yet, I am not wanting to seek refuge in anyone. Besides, I guess maybe blogging it down won't be that bad since I've rid my 'comments' section, so even if anyone happens to read my blog (like as if anyone else apart frm jason does), they can't tell me what they think...I don't think I'm interested to find out what others think as well. Afterall, it's just between me and him only.

Things haven't been going on well for us recently...at least for the past few days. We quarrelled, got unhappy, disappointed, etc etc etc. Nothing is wrong with our relationship. I am sure we still love each other, but nothing is going right at the moment, causing many misunderstandings.

Maybe I haven't been good enough a gf. Just a while ago, he told me he's disappointed with me because I forgot a promise I made. I won't deny that. I did forget about it till he asked if I remembered. I felt hit by something instantly. How could I have forgotten it? Many things I did recently have caused so much misunderstandings. I wish I knew it was all my fault and convince myself that it must be, but the problem is I don't even know where the fault lies. I can't even remember what quarrels we had. The only thing I know is that I am hurt, yet trying to ignore it and get on happily with my life with him.

Yesterday, I felt insecured. I underestimated myself. I thought I won't get jealous, and I won't feel insecure because I've always been so open in my thinking. However, I found that no matter how open I am, I can't deny the fact that I am still a normal girl who has part of me feeling like anyone else who is loving another. Jealousy, insecurity, fear. I just realised how much I've hidden from people around me as I am typing down this entry. I am crying. I am doing so because I don't wish to let anyone know, and keeping things to myself, hoping I'll just let it pass. I am scared..so so very scared. The problem with me is why do I not show my fear, or rather why I can't show my fear whenever I see him or hear his voice? I did tell him I'm scared, but I know the way I say it sounds different from my actual fear and thoughts. Ok, I keep saying I'm scared, but I have not blogged down about why I am.

It's July at last. It should be the month I look forward to because I'll be back in sg again very soon. But I'm not as excited as how I expect myself to be. I want to go home of course, but it's Jason's start of sch in NTU which is bringing me down. It's very contradicting when I say that I'm happy about him starting soon too. He'll be moving into hostel and as promised, I'm going to make his bed very very comfy for him by decorating it for him. I hope this will make him think of me whenever he's going to sleep. Many nights, I've been thinking about it and smiling, but whenever I think about his new life in uni, I'll be down. No doubt I think it's cool that he's going back to being a student once again, I fear the chances of losing him, being unable to maintain this LDR. New life, new timetables, new friends, new environment. I want him to mix around and make the best out his uni days. Yet, I am scared of losing him to other girls. I don't feel confident of myself anymore..not as much as before. I can't be there for him, can't cheer him up whenever he's down in sg, can't deliver dinner to him when he's bz with sch, can't do anything. Should he face any problems, all I can do is sit there and watch others take over my role. I feel deprived.

I know he feels that I'm not as afraid of losing him compared to him losing me. I find it hard to let him see how scared I am. I find myself crying sometimes at night when I'm trying to sleep or study when this thought just suddenly flashes into my mind.

Just a few days ago, I told him I had this urge of marrying him. I meant it. I was really dying to do so. I wanted to just get married and set up a family and throwing everything else away..out of my life. Suddenly, marriage seemed like an insurance to me, which I know is crap if one thinks logically about it.

Sigh..my mind is filled with stuffs and I have no idea what they are now. I'm feeling shit at the moment. Maybe watching vcd will do the trick for a moment.

Am thinking of not slping tonight, probably just a short nap when I finally KO while studying. Ok, that's what I will do then.

Will see if I can organise my thoughts better later. If I do, then I'll blog again tonight. If not, then oh well..forget about it.