Jaded

Everything in my life is screwed at the moment.

Family. Relationship. Career.

None of which I have an idea to resolve.

After a mid-placement supervisor feedback, I came out of the office with thoughts of taking no pay leave. I don't see why my existence in the place is needed, if I was perceived by others to be such a person.

I don't think I deserved any of that, for the amount of effort/time I have spent on my patients, on my calls, and struggling with a messy system. Perhaps my ability to adapt to a messy environment is weaker than others, but I am trying.

It was the most demoralising feedback ever. Never did I walk out of a supervisor's office feeling so unappreciated, Fair enough that patients don't appreciate the things I've done or recognise how my life has been compromised for their care, but nothing hurts more than knowing that even your own superiors don't appreciate it.

I have no clue how the perception came about. And a lot of the things we talked about, gave me a strong feeling that everything is just about being political.

I'm feeling "lonely" in this place, and being relatively quiet as an attempt to avoid trouble which my other friends have warned me about before I started my placement in this place still brought me trouble. At the end of the day, I suppose if u have become a target, then there's just not going to be an end to it.

Like what a friend told me before I plunged myself into this..."If this place dislikes u from Day 1, they will dislike u for the rest of your days here."

I'm tired.

I really do regret to some extent for coming back...

And as much as I feel pathetic for feeling this way, Medicine in this place is gradually killing off my enthusiasm.