Exhausted...
I'm exhausted. I haven't slept for more than a day. It's amazing to how I can still keep my eyes open at this time. I wouldn't hesitate to jump into my bed and doze off if it weren't for me not wanting to upset my slping hrs and medicine time.
Today's a long and tough day. Perhaps I should blog about what happened yesterday first..
For the past few days, I've been getting bad headaches and tummy cramps. It made my revision very inefficient. As a result, I had to rush through 2 modules in 1.5 days. It was torturing because there was so much to remember and revise through. I've read them umpteen times, but still, I must say I haven't actually reached the extent of remembering every tiny detail. Shame on me. I took ages with one module, and finally, I had to stay up the whole night to revise the other. I was trying very hard to keep my eyes open and I wish it would all be over asap.
The moment came when I finished 2 papers today. One more to go. But I feel satisfied even though the papers were darn tough. I didn't regret going without sleep. I think I probably won't do well, might even fail, but like what Jason said, "It's the process, not the result, which matters" I did my best.
I stoned on my chair once I came home. I'm just so physically exhausted. Chatted with Jason for a while online. Couldn't talk too long with him because he's drained and ill. Having a high fever made him feel drastically weak. I hope he gets well soon. Somehow, I know I caused him to fall ill because he's been sleeping so little just to accompany me while I'm revising for my exams.
He mentioned certain things which are bugging my mind at the moment. I've lost my direction. I'm starting to query myself if I've been good enuff a gf. He said he said those things because he couldn't take it and blames his fever for screwing up his head a little. He didnt mean to hurt me, and I'm aware of that. However, I couldn't help feeling hurt about it for a while.
He said I haven't been giving in to him from the beginning. This hurt me because I think I did give in at times. I know his insecurity, his fear of losing me and I'm trying to be understanding. I am aware that these give him a lot of pressure and a LDR is indeed not easy to handle, especially for him, cos we got separated soon after we got together. The rship is still new, and how can everything be stabilised that quickly? Hence, when he's feeling upset about the issue and speaks his mind, I should just tolerate and coax him. I'm bad at coaxing another person. All I could is keep quiet and listen. I'm not sure if he knows if I'm listening.
Another thing he mentioned is the way I mix with others. He doesn't like me talking to strangers over the Net, adding them to my icq etc etc. I have taken note of that and am restricting myself already. I find it quite tough at times because I get terribly bored while studying sometimes and I need to talk to someone..just anyone..just to let out steam and relax. But I know he doesn't like it, so I don't do it anymore. I don't add others to my friendster list too (except someone else which I've explained). To be honest, I feel that I've pulled myself away from many people. I don't reply icq msges much, even MSN at times. I'm always in the Busy mode. I am not sure where the problem lies...would it be better if the person msging me is a girl? I don't have much girl pals, and unfortunately, my closer grp of friends are guys. I wish I can do something about it too so that he doesn't feel threatened, but this is not something that is within my control. It's not that I'm befriending them and closer to them cos they are guys. I'm not desperate.
He doesn't like me seeking refuge in others as well, which is something I don't do anymore. When we have a quarrel or when we're unhappy, I don't mention it to others. Even if I feel terrible, I won't talk abt it. I have to admit it feels bad inside me because I have to talk to feel better..like getting something off my chest..but since it's going to bother him, I shall not talk to anyone regarding us. Besides, he's got a point when he says that it's not of anyone else's business when the problem only concerns the both of us. That's true.
I'm happy being with Jason, but upon sitting down and thinking while watching my vcd, I realise I've lost things too. That's life isn't it? You gain some, you lose some. I've gained someone's love, someone's care, someone's concern and attention, but to some extent, I've lost my freedom..lost part of my original self. I'm not complaining, because I'm doing it on my own accord, but on the other hand, I know deeply that I'm trying to adapt to these new adjustments. For a moment, I can't answer if I'm happy totally. I have a tinge of sadness about losing myself. But I'm happy being with him because he treats me way too well. I feel like the luckiest girl on earth. Contradicting.
Oh well, I guess I should give my mind a break now. And dinner..geez..haven't eaten.Should I have it? Sigh...
Today's a long and tough day. Perhaps I should blog about what happened yesterday first..
For the past few days, I've been getting bad headaches and tummy cramps. It made my revision very inefficient. As a result, I had to rush through 2 modules in 1.5 days. It was torturing because there was so much to remember and revise through. I've read them umpteen times, but still, I must say I haven't actually reached the extent of remembering every tiny detail. Shame on me. I took ages with one module, and finally, I had to stay up the whole night to revise the other. I was trying very hard to keep my eyes open and I wish it would all be over asap.
The moment came when I finished 2 papers today. One more to go. But I feel satisfied even though the papers were darn tough. I didn't regret going without sleep. I think I probably won't do well, might even fail, but like what Jason said, "It's the process, not the result, which matters" I did my best.
I stoned on my chair once I came home. I'm just so physically exhausted. Chatted with Jason for a while online. Couldn't talk too long with him because he's drained and ill. Having a high fever made him feel drastically weak. I hope he gets well soon. Somehow, I know I caused him to fall ill because he's been sleeping so little just to accompany me while I'm revising for my exams.
He mentioned certain things which are bugging my mind at the moment. I've lost my direction. I'm starting to query myself if I've been good enuff a gf. He said he said those things because he couldn't take it and blames his fever for screwing up his head a little. He didnt mean to hurt me, and I'm aware of that. However, I couldn't help feeling hurt about it for a while.
He said I haven't been giving in to him from the beginning. This hurt me because I think I did give in at times. I know his insecurity, his fear of losing me and I'm trying to be understanding. I am aware that these give him a lot of pressure and a LDR is indeed not easy to handle, especially for him, cos we got separated soon after we got together. The rship is still new, and how can everything be stabilised that quickly? Hence, when he's feeling upset about the issue and speaks his mind, I should just tolerate and coax him. I'm bad at coaxing another person. All I could is keep quiet and listen. I'm not sure if he knows if I'm listening.
Another thing he mentioned is the way I mix with others. He doesn't like me talking to strangers over the Net, adding them to my icq etc etc. I have taken note of that and am restricting myself already. I find it quite tough at times because I get terribly bored while studying sometimes and I need to talk to someone..just anyone..just to let out steam and relax. But I know he doesn't like it, so I don't do it anymore. I don't add others to my friendster list too (except someone else which I've explained). To be honest, I feel that I've pulled myself away from many people. I don't reply icq msges much, even MSN at times. I'm always in the Busy mode. I am not sure where the problem lies...would it be better if the person msging me is a girl? I don't have much girl pals, and unfortunately, my closer grp of friends are guys. I wish I can do something about it too so that he doesn't feel threatened, but this is not something that is within my control. It's not that I'm befriending them and closer to them cos they are guys. I'm not desperate.
He doesn't like me seeking refuge in others as well, which is something I don't do anymore. When we have a quarrel or when we're unhappy, I don't mention it to others. Even if I feel terrible, I won't talk abt it. I have to admit it feels bad inside me because I have to talk to feel better..like getting something off my chest..but since it's going to bother him, I shall not talk to anyone regarding us. Besides, he's got a point when he says that it's not of anyone else's business when the problem only concerns the both of us. That's true.
I'm happy being with Jason, but upon sitting down and thinking while watching my vcd, I realise I've lost things too. That's life isn't it? You gain some, you lose some. I've gained someone's love, someone's care, someone's concern and attention, but to some extent, I've lost my freedom..lost part of my original self. I'm not complaining, because I'm doing it on my own accord, but on the other hand, I know deeply that I'm trying to adapt to these new adjustments. For a moment, I can't answer if I'm happy totally. I have a tinge of sadness about losing myself. But I'm happy being with him because he treats me way too well. I feel like the luckiest girl on earth. Contradicting.
Oh well, I guess I should give my mind a break now. And dinner..geez..haven't eaten.Should I have it? Sigh...
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