Lack of sleep = Bad mood
Michelle is grumpy today from having a lack of sleep. I reckon I must have only dozed off at 6am this morning and had to get up at 8, which didn't happen and I ended up getting up at 8.30am instead to be in time for teaching.
I hate myself for not going to bed earlier, but I just couldn't sleep at all. I was disturbed by an argument I had with CG last night which just happened randomly and totally unexpected. There were several phone slams, and total silence, which obviously resulted in a bad night for me. As usual, each time after an argument we have, I start wondering if this relationship, which is not on the rocks or kinda on the rocks, is worth us keeping it going. I'm not wanting to head towards a break up, but sometimes, everything comes together and me, feeling helpless about it all, it simply makes me wanna think twice.
I blame myself for sounding blunt in putting my messages across, and I know this is a bad point about me. I don't like beating around the bush because I don't fancy wasting my time on it and not getting someone to understand exactly what I want to say, and at the same time, I don't like ppl beating ard the bush either. It does get on my nerves, and I don't hide it very well when I am irritated, which is kinda bad too.
Apparently, the argument is partially my fault since I was blunt in my comments, but I don't feel very much appreciated either when I give my views about a certain situation as advice to my bf or try to say things nicely so that he can look at the downside more positively and then, get things like "It's ok if u don't support me, but at least don't put me down further". I know that at times, some things I say don't sound nice, but how nice can I make it sound if I don't think it's right? And it wasn't meant to put him down, even though I can see his point of saying so. Plus I think it's unfair and unjustifiable for him to say that I am not giving him any support. I did!
I agree that I do not know how he feels whenever he loses an opportunity to be in the UK with me next year, but I don't feel very much happier too. He can't get on with his life, while I can't really get on with mine in peace too. But I'm trying very hard to get my priorities rights by putting it aside yet giving it sufficient attention. I am worried, I am desperate just like him, but despite all that, what can I actually do to make a difference, I really don't know. And knowing my own character, I get pissed off by the fact that when something happens, I can't find a solution or do nothing abt it. Yet I can't keep continuing getting pissed off abt it, and therefore, adopted a new policy of moving on to the next step rather than hindering myself from moving on which adds no benefit and is absolutely impractical and a waste of time.
Like I told him, if we have ruled out every possibility of him being here in the UK with me, then I'll just accept the fact that we'll have to go LDR. It is upsetting, but if that is the only choice, then I'll live with it. I'm not going to initiate a break up cos of that, but with the way we're going now, how confident can I be and how positive can I get about this rship to motivate me to keep us going? Sigh.
And also, several times, I feel that we're more like good friends rather than a couple. We don't behave like the other couples. We don't talk to each other like how other couples do too. And we don't go on dates or spring surprises on each other too, because he thinks there's nothing to do here in UK and don't see why I'm a fan of surprises. In simple words, we're DIFFERENT!
I'm going back to Cardiff tonight, and I should be excited since I've waited days to see him again, but now....all I want is just a good sleep, and pray hard that we won't get into a worse quarrel when I'm back in my flat tonight.
I hate myself for not going to bed earlier, but I just couldn't sleep at all. I was disturbed by an argument I had with CG last night which just happened randomly and totally unexpected. There were several phone slams, and total silence, which obviously resulted in a bad night for me. As usual, each time after an argument we have, I start wondering if this relationship, which is not on the rocks or kinda on the rocks, is worth us keeping it going. I'm not wanting to head towards a break up, but sometimes, everything comes together and me, feeling helpless about it all, it simply makes me wanna think twice.
I blame myself for sounding blunt in putting my messages across, and I know this is a bad point about me. I don't like beating around the bush because I don't fancy wasting my time on it and not getting someone to understand exactly what I want to say, and at the same time, I don't like ppl beating ard the bush either. It does get on my nerves, and I don't hide it very well when I am irritated, which is kinda bad too.
Apparently, the argument is partially my fault since I was blunt in my comments, but I don't feel very much appreciated either when I give my views about a certain situation as advice to my bf or try to say things nicely so that he can look at the downside more positively and then, get things like "It's ok if u don't support me, but at least don't put me down further". I know that at times, some things I say don't sound nice, but how nice can I make it sound if I don't think it's right? And it wasn't meant to put him down, even though I can see his point of saying so. Plus I think it's unfair and unjustifiable for him to say that I am not giving him any support. I did!
I agree that I do not know how he feels whenever he loses an opportunity to be in the UK with me next year, but I don't feel very much happier too. He can't get on with his life, while I can't really get on with mine in peace too. But I'm trying very hard to get my priorities rights by putting it aside yet giving it sufficient attention. I am worried, I am desperate just like him, but despite all that, what can I actually do to make a difference, I really don't know. And knowing my own character, I get pissed off by the fact that when something happens, I can't find a solution or do nothing abt it. Yet I can't keep continuing getting pissed off abt it, and therefore, adopted a new policy of moving on to the next step rather than hindering myself from moving on which adds no benefit and is absolutely impractical and a waste of time.
Like I told him, if we have ruled out every possibility of him being here in the UK with me, then I'll just accept the fact that we'll have to go LDR. It is upsetting, but if that is the only choice, then I'll live with it. I'm not going to initiate a break up cos of that, but with the way we're going now, how confident can I be and how positive can I get about this rship to motivate me to keep us going? Sigh.
And also, several times, I feel that we're more like good friends rather than a couple. We don't behave like the other couples. We don't talk to each other like how other couples do too. And we don't go on dates or spring surprises on each other too, because he thinks there's nothing to do here in UK and don't see why I'm a fan of surprises. In simple words, we're DIFFERENT!
I'm going back to Cardiff tonight, and I should be excited since I've waited days to see him again, but now....all I want is just a good sleep, and pray hard that we won't get into a worse quarrel when I'm back in my flat tonight.
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