Losing direction

I felt like I was placed in some pressurised cooker wanting to explode anytime yesterday. My mind was racing with the numerous problems I'm facing at the moment, and most importantly, struggling to find my direction because I fear I'm losing it.

It was instant relief when Dearie came to my room to ask me what I'll like to have for dinner. I just hugged him and refused to let go. My tears threatened to pour, but fortunately, it was only a few drops after much control.

"Let's go out for a walk" he said, and so we did.

On the way to the Indian restaurant, I was allowed to say out my thoughts. Told Dearie that I'm losing my direction, and I feel that everything is closing up on me, so much so that there is nothing that keeps me going, or make me feel like living another day in UK. I don't feel enthusiastic about anything because there is nothing I feel quite certain about, and as a result, I've been feeling more and more insecure these days. I'm tired of having to always find solutions which will only settle problems temporarily for everything. I'm tired of self-consoling. Basically, I just want to move on to a phase in life and settle down ASAP! This phase has been long enough.

Academic...

It's tough enough to pass every module at first go in med sch, and after 3rd year, there are no resits. It looks glam and prestigious when u tell others know u're doing Medicine, but no one ever thinks about how demoralised med students feel. 'A's got us in, and when our friends doing other courses are talking about Honours, all we dare hope for is a pass in med exams. How does it feel seeing 50-60% scores when u've always been a 70+% scorer before uni?

And just when med exams are tough enough to pass, u have intelligent classmates who make it worse for u. You might come back with 90% one day for a paper, but someone else will be back with 91%.

Then as time passes, u realise that all u can be happy abt is to get through all papers smoothly and not take any resits, cos resitting is just so common in med sch, and if u don't have to do any, u're good. But with the new MTAS (a new job application system for Medicine), it isn't just about passing anymore. U suddenly get plunged into the ranking system whereby results matter again.

Jobs....

I am desperate to stay in Cardiff, not because I love this place, but because I have huge problems with transport all the time, and my parents are still against me buying a car. Plus there are many more issues to think abt apart from just buying a car. This country taxes u like mad over EVERYTHING!

I've applied for places which I really have to go, and honestly, the place is even more important than my job combination at the moment. It shouldn't be this way, but I haven't got much of a choice.

And just when I'm feeling shit enuff abt the whole thing, MTAS makes it worse because the score matters again. I didn't do very well for the score, and I'm not surprised if I don't get any of my choices. I can't do much to fight for it either even if I have a valid reason, because only marriage certificates and family commitments are considered valid. I know this sounds funny, but when I brought this topic up to CG, he actually said if it will make things easier for us, we'll get registered straight away in UK. I was tempted to do so, but that would also mean our parents will be kept in the dark abt it, and I don't feel good not telling them. It's afterall, a lifelong decision.

I felt pissed abt the job application because I know where I want to be, and what I want to do. But various things just make it so difficult for me, yet there's nothing much I can do for myself about it. I have a simple ambition. I just want to be a doctor doing a specialty I like, and doing what I can for mankind, and teach medical students in future, but why is it so difficult to even make this simple ambition real?

A clinical teacher of mine told me that I should publish papers when I start working, if I want a good job. I was disappointed when I heard about that, because I realise I'm on the same path with them, but having a different aim. I'm happy to do something for my patients and make Medicine alive for students I hope to teach in future, but research has never been my interest. I don't want to spend my entire career years writing papers, trying to publish as much as can. I know having papers published is an achievement and it contributes to improving healthcare, and therefore, it's indirectly helping patients. But how many of those papers are written with the thought that it would make a difference to patients? How many of those papers being published have significant results? How many results of those published papers make a difference? Papers are just for people to prove their point, or to argue against another point, but there is no actual meaning to all this argument. So if there isn't any much significant meaning, why publish?

Also, how many of these people who publish papers do so because they want to help patients by doing such a research? Most are just doing it because they want to climb the ladder faster, boost their CV, and to earn lots of money as soon as they can. It's all for their own selfish reasons!!! Fame and wealth!!!

And just because I'm in the same line, I have to be dragged down into this rubbish regardless of whether I like it or not, just in order to keep myself living in the medical world. I can choose to ignore about publishing papers, but that will mean staying stagnant in the same position, and being stagnent means there is a limit to what I can do for patients, because those above me will be the ones instructing me to carry out what they say.

I can sense this self-hatred building up within me. I hate myself for joining the "publication league", doing things which are meaningless and for selfish reasons.

Friends...

I haven't got any whom I really regard as a friend despite being here for so many years. There isn't any whom I want to share my happiness and sadness with. Friends play a huge role in supporting u, but since I don't have any, what can I do abt it? There just isn't anyone here whom I feel that I can trust.

Boyfriend...

He's my trusted person here, and even though we quarrel quite a bit, I'm still thankful for having found him here. He's the reason I talk, the reason I smile. But after being reliant on him for 2 years, we're still going separate ways after my graduation. I don't know where he'll be, but I know for sure, we'll be separated. He said no matter where he is, we're still together. I know he's not lying, but how long will that be? If he's in UK, I can look for him, but if he goes back to China, I won't be able to see him again. Where will this relationship be heading then?

Being 25, girls who are attached can somehow foresee their future with their bf, while I can't. I can't think about marriage even though he has talking a lot abt it these few days. I can't think about having kids too.

I am just stuck, and I cannot move on to the next phase.


Be it studies, job, rship....I'm stuck in the same position. I can't feel myself moving, and even if I am, I'm moving without a direction because there doesn't seem to be any. It's even affecting my sleep now, and I seriously need to find a direction before I can get myself down to doing anything proper.