Bogged..

The past few days were pretty miserable. I was very troubled and frustrated. I tried tolerating, or just walk away, but today I lost my temper.

It's dangerous to drive on the roads when u're in a bad mood, and this happened this afternoon. I wasn't feeling very well from what was happening these days, and snapped at my Mum when she went yelling in the car when the car went too near a parked truck. Got a huge scolding from her, and I totally lost my appetite...skipped lunch.

My family's having a big cold war with one another...refusing to talk to each other, refusing to do anything together, refusing to do anything for each other, etc. And here I am being messenger, and having to search for missing members even during shopping just because my parents are walking in different directions. I was terribly pissed, but I couldn't even say anything in hope that I will not make matters worse. But the entire day, I was with my family..watching them ignore each other, or yelling at each other at the top of their voices, and hearing about someone who walked out of the house and not wanting to go home and sleep for the night. In fact, my entire weekend was spent this way.

And apart from that, I was bogged down by my own problems. Something I did was very disappointing. I wanna say "Sorry", but I dare not even say it. I can't tell anyone in my family about it too.

A few days ago, it was Great Granny's death anniversary. I was asked by Dad to go and pray to her. Cos of that, I felt extremely troubled. It wasn't because I didn't wanna go to the temple to pray to Great Granny, but because I dare not face my Uncle's tablet if I were to go since it's a routine that I will have to pray to all my other late relatives whose tablets are placed there.

Those incidents regarding my cousin has caused this. How I felt threatened abt "losing" my own parents, how my mum got into major quarrels with me over her, how I tried to avoid anything to do with her as much as I can, etc etc.....makes me feel that I don't deserve to be acknowledged as his niece. Yet knowing this, my getting-uglier-day-by-day nature refuses to give in. I cannot forget, I cannot pretend that nothing has happened, I cannot accept it all with a smile on account tt she's my cousin...I just cannot. Hence, on the day of the prayer, I refused to get out of bed. I'm sure Dad's disappointed and angry that I rather sleep than pay my respects to Great Granny. I'm sad cos I have to make Dad think this is the reason, rather than letting him or anyone in my family know the truth.

Also, I have been asking a few friends about what they thought of me meeting up with a friend before I go back to UK. I'm surprised..yet not surprised..about how fragile relationships between friends are. "Heck care" was what I was advised to do. A friendship that has formed for years....does it just end in a snap? For this friendship, I feel all sorts of emotions for it, I know everything has changed and will never be the same again, but deep down, I know I have treasured it. I don't know if following the advice from others this time is the right thing to do. There are pros and cons for any final decision I make, but I don't know which decision will benefit my friend in the long run. For this, I am troubled.

I hope most of the "rubbish" will resolve soon. I really don't wish to bring my current troubled, disappointed and mentally exhausted mood back to UK..