When will this struggle end?

I am so disappointed with myself.

I look like I am once back to happy me, but deep down, I am struggling...struggling to get someone out of my mind.

No doubt we're totally out of touch, his shadow's everywhere...in my room..in the places we went..things we did..everything. I miss him very much & I wonder if he is well. I wonder..at times..even though he never ever wanted to see me again...if he even thought of me once.

I shall not hide it. Apart from my parents whom I wanted to see when I arrived in Singapore, the other person I wished to see the most was him. I knew he wouldn't be there because I didn't tell him abt my return..and I knew he wouldn't be interested to know too. Even if he knew, he will never turn up. To him, I'm...not even worthy to be a friend.

Several times, I wanted to open up my hp folder to see the pictures I took of him. They're precious to me, and I can't bear to delete them. I miss his smiles, his phone calls, my ring, just many many things about us.

I still go in a daze and wonder why he decided to end it & why did he think I was not worthy at all...and why did he ask me not to wait for him anymore. And the reason he gave me..was it just an excuse? Indeed I am tired of thinking abt it, yet I have no idea why I'm wishing to know the truth.

And till today, even when a guy pal asked me if I still love him, I can't go "I don't love him anymore." For some strange reason, whenever someone asks me that question, my heart aches..and I get very confused and lost, followed by me closing the subject.

If he ever reads this entry one day, I hope he will know that I care about him like I always did even if I said anything mean. I have been thinking about him & I do miss him very very much.