Michelle's Blogging..

Please come back soon

2011-09-12T00:04:00.002+08:00

Only 24 hrs since he has left for Brisbane, but it's killing me already.

Been depressed since last night, and sleeping has been more difficult (not to mention that I'm plagued by cough...yes..AGAIN). I've lost count of the number of times I woke up, and the number of times I'm being reminded that he's not next to me whenever I open my eyes.

I miss him a lot.

The thought that he will be gone again in October saddens me more. That 2 weeks will be worse than the current one. I wonder how I'll be getting through it.

Woke up this morning, and suddenly, the day feels completely different. I miss the "good morning" he says to me the moment I wake up. I miss the excitement I get knowing that I'll be going to have breakfast with him.

I love spending my everyday with him.

Please come back soon, Dear...

12th August 2011

2011-08-15T22:55:00.002+08:00

12th August 2011, in JW Marriott Khao Lak, Phuket.

I am now officially engaged.

The proposal wasn't a dream proposal any girl would dream of having, but it still remained a memorable one.

In fact, I feel really sorry for Dear, who so painstakingly planned to create the "right moment", but things went so terribly wrong for him, that he ended up being on the verge on tears during the proposal.

This was the original plan:
1. The whole plan was meant to commence on 13th August 2011.
2. The day was to be spent relaxing at the resort - swim, walk around, go to the beach etc.
3. Before dinner, he will present me with the 1st surprise gift - a dress he prepared for me to wear to dinner
4. Dinner at a nice Thai Restaurant - he had reserved a place.
5. When midnight is close, we'll head back to our room to cut a cake we've planned to buy to celebrate our anniversary (14th Aug)
6. He'll propose to me after that.

BUT none of the above happened.

Partly thanks to me...cos I got distracted with this "Phuket Fantasea" thing, which comprised of a show (claims to be Las-Vegas style) and a sumptous seafood buffet dinner. It sounded like something which I must go to, so in order to make it happen for me, Dear had to end up pushing the Thai dinner forward to 12th August. We were supposed to buy a cake, but the cakes available didnt seem as appetising/pretty, so the cake didn't happen either. He presented me with the dress he secretly bought in Sg, hoping that I'll be able to wear it to the dinner, but the dress was a little too big for me..so I ended up having to wear another dress I've brought.

The Thai Restaurant was really pretty, with the right ambience. But the food was disappointing (we forgot that we were in JW Marriot...hence, the food was cooked in such a way that it was meant for the Caucasian palate).

And after heading back to the room, it was pretty late, so I hurriedly changed into my PJs, and was all ready to go to sleep..

...until Dear said, "Dear, we really need to talk.."

By then, his eyes and nose was red..

Dear: I'm sorry we didn't have a cake..
Me: Never mind lor!
Dear: If we have the cake now and u can make one wish, what would it be?
Me: *thinks* Hmm...for my family to be healthy and happy? U?
Dear: I wish for you to marry me.. *takes out the ring*...will you marry me?

It was difficult to describe how I felt. It seemed a little too quick for me to react (perhaps because I was a tad sleepy and suddenly I'm being thrown the golden question that will determine my fate for the rest of my life). And it took him to really go on his knees with the ring, before I actually broke into tears, that it is really for real.

I suppose it isn't everyday u get some guy whose proposal plans failed to this extent...haha...so yup, that's my very memorable proposal :)

Now it's about him seeking official approval from my parents, before we can release to them our plans for the wedding...and of course, to show my mum my ring (Dear had specially got someone to design it since I'm terribly fussy about the setting...I love the vintage look, and the design is definitely growing on me..)

2011-07-24T19:56:00.002+08:00

Sigh..feeling super depressed being on a weekend call, and for the fact that I can only wait till Tuesday before I get to see Dear again (he's on duty tmr...grrrrr)

But thank goodness, Dear specially came to see me at work, and brought me sushi for dinner. It did help to make me feel better.

Talked about our upcoming trip, and it got me really excited. Dear's doing all the planning, and I'm curious about what plans he has made.

And I was all hyped up when he told me that he has previewed the ring. Apparently he claims that it's super pretty, and definitely THE type I like. But am still not sure when he's going to pop the question. Hopefully, he wont keep me waiting too long..

Argh, can't wait for the whole call to be over...damn...10 more hrs to go!!!!

2011-04-28T00:39:00.002+08:00

Career wise, nothing has changed. Still sucks, still as demoralising, still as frustrating, and still as complicated as ever.

But amidst the shittiness, Dear reminded me of how lucky I am.

I may not have many friends, but at least there is a few whom I can call/msg to rant about my frustrations at work. Dear has met them, and he does agree that these friends of mine are worth the friendship. It definitely isn't easy to find someone u trust enough to share how you feel about certain things.

The relationship seems like the only thing that keeps me going, and giving me hope that there is something to look forward to at the end of the day.

Being able to hug Dear and smell him (even though he does smell a bit in that green uniform on a hot day) brings me consolation.

Now that things have more or less stabilised (parents wise), I am beginning to feel more at ease with my relationship.

If my leave gets approved, I might be going on an overseas trip with Dear in June. Am really looking forward to it. It will be our first overseas trip together, after so many months of struggle to get my parents to accept the relationship. HK Disneyland is where we aim to go....praying hard that my dream will come true soon... :)

The proposal...hmm...am still waiting though. But wedding plans are in progress. Perhaps I've been too efficient that now we're just left with the big task of booking the hotel banquet. Dear claims that at the rate we go, all plannings will be completed even before he proposes officially. And in no time, I'll be grumbling that I'll be bored since there is nothing else left to plan...hmmm.. Oh well, shall take a step back, and let him fully concentrate on his proposal first (looking forward to it since he claims that he has big plans for this and is to be carried out with military precision..).

Had quite a big quarrel a few days ago with him, and I'm glad that we have made up.

Dear: I thought I was going to lose you after that quarrel. And after hugging you and hearing what you said, something told me that I must never lose you ever again.
Me: What is it?
Dear: You said you hated me...
Me: Hmm?
Dear: You said you hated me because no matter how I upset you and how angry you get at me, you still can't help but worry for me, worrying if I have eaten dinner. This is the most touching words I have heard. *kiss*
Me: :)

I am loving him more and more as time goes by.

2011-04-10T19:55:00.002+08:00

what does the future behold for me? i'm lost. is there really light at the end of the tunnel? everything looks pitch black. where am i going from here? i'm tired. i'm sick of it. ..and yet i can't even release my emotions in front of anyone..

Jitters

2011-03-20T02:03:00.002+08:00

6th March 2010....we've signed up for the pre-wedding photoshoot package
18th March 2010...we signed up for the actual day package

Now it's just waiting for him to pop the question..and like he said, I still have time to think through my answer, and whether I'm happy for our plan to proceed as discussed.

To be honest, I am happy.

But I don't deny that I'm worried and a tad scared, despite the excitement. Seems like I'm getting pre-wedding jitters even though it's still far far away...

What is life going to be like after getting married?

2011-02-03T02:34:00.002+08:00

Gosh, I haven't been blogging for a long time!

It's CNY, and as usual, I'm refusing to go to bed. Am enjoying the quiet night, something which I don't get to do often.

I've been much happier on the whole after getting back together with Jason. At least, things are progressing slowly, and both of us are feeling contented about it.

Love spending time with him. Watching him laugh and smiling makes my day. Hearing his voice before I sleep every night has become a habit. Hugging his arm and resting my chin on his shoulder brings me comfort. Lying in his arms calms me down and brings me security. I'm just pleased to have back the happiness I once lost.

Plans about settling down has been discussed. Jason's been taking me to shops to try and find out what type of rings I like. And we've been casually looking at some wedding roadshows. I get a really warm and blessed feeling within me whenever we are looking at these things together, and seeing him being interested.

He has made known to me his plans on when we're tying the knot, but he's keeping very tight-lipped about "the proposal". Each time I try my luck at getting a hint, he just starts smiling and goes "Don't ask. I'm not revealing anything."

Then again, I shouldn't be knowing anything about it. It's supposed to be a surprise isn't it?

Anyway, knowing his character, I'm sure he'll put in a lot of effort into it.

"It'll happen at a very unexpected time."

Hmm...I should just wait patiently and see what this surprise is going to be like. =)

2010-12-13T22:37:00.002+08:00

Seriously wondering when I'll be able to go to sleep smiling and having nothing on my mind.

Being home so early and being alone in my room on a quiet night isn't making it any better. In a way, I feel alone, with a mind full of things.

It hasn't been a good year, and hopefully next year would be a better one.

One problem appears after another, and the number just increases like there's no end to it. The year's been mentally draining, and physically exhausting. There is only so much I can take (having difficulty expressing how I feel about things definitely doesn't help..), and I have lost count of the number of times I cried to sleep, the number of times I wish never to wake up, the number of times I wish to run away from it all..

And just when I thought things have got slightly better, Dad faced a major problem. Watching him being so stressed up abt the issue and being able to do nothing about it, makes me feel helpless and useless. I dont really want my parents to know how I feel about certain things, hence, I try to avoid being home or being "visible" at home. I don't fancy the idea of having them know my emotions.

I felt even more hurt abt the things Dad talked to me about during our lunch together on Sunday. I know my parents are disappointed with me in many, many ways...and I know that they're no longer proud of me as much as before. In fact, sometimes I would even query myself if my parents regrets my existence.

I don't talk much to them anymore. I don't feel as belonged to this family/home as I used to anymore. I still love my parents very much, and perhaps this is something my parents probably never knew. There's a lot of misunderstandings and things left unsaid between us..and I have given up talking about them.

In a way, it's pointless. Nobody at home ever asks me how I really feel abt anything anyway...

Finally, some light...

2010-12-03T00:05:00.002+08:00

J and I are finally seeing some light with regards to our relationship.

I haven't been having an easy time managing both sides, many times of which I have, in fact, lost it. I've lost count of the number of times I've cried to sleep.

And my health succumbed.

Am now recovering from Pneumonia (yes, it's finally diagnosed after having taken a x-ray), and I've been pretty ill for the last few days.

J's been showing me a lot a lot of concern since my falling ill. He surprised me as well when he emailed Dad, asking for permission to visit me.

When my parents granted permission for him to enter the house (his name was not to even be mentioned in the house previously), I started crying. I felt a sense of relief, a sense of gratefulness, a sense of indescribable happiness. Although I was restricted to only seeing him in the living room, it was good enough.

"One day, when things are better, I'll be able to take you overseas for holidays" he said.

I hope that day will come soon..

2010-11-28T02:18:00.002+08:00

I've been running a high grade fever since Friday, and timing is damn zun...every 6 hrs I will feel the temperature coming, accompanied with joint pain. I don't even need an alarm to tell me it's time for my next dose of Paracetamol.

J's been showing me a lot of concern by calling me frequently to see if I'm better, if I've taken my meds, if I need anything etc. If I can have one request, it would be to stay beside me whilst I rest (if only my parents would let him into the house)..

Because of my department exam next week, I havent been able to spend much time with J this week. And it's made worse now that I'm ill. I miss him a lot, and seeing him for lunch earlier is something I'm looking forward to.

My temp started spiking again and I was having chills whilst waiting for him, and I felt so unwell that I had to end up squatting down. Honestly, at that point in time, I was feeling quite vulnerable already, and it was at that moment, he appeared. He looked really worried seeing me squatting down in the corner, and asked if I was ok since he claimed I looked very pale.

Despite feeling terrible, I was still very very happy seeing him. I felt very cared for when he kept putting food on my plate and regularly placing his hands on my forehead/neck to see if my temperature has gone down.

And he came all the way again in the evening to accompany me for dinner. =)

I feel very blessed with my relationship, even though my parents are opposing it. No doubt it is painful for me, but seeing him minimises it, and somehow, it makes me feel that it's all worthwhile.

Although I don't know for sure if it'll work out, I don't want to lose another chance of loving him again.

2010-10-20T23:47:00.002+08:00

I'll be lying if I said I'm not disappointed and I'm not the least sad about failing the exam. Then again, I've done my best. I'm not the brightest star anyway.

Oh well, looks like I'll have to work harder at my 2nd go, and hopefully I'll pass the next time round.

Being able to see J tonight is consoling to a great extent, and receiving Annie's encouraging messages made me feel better.

I'll get over this soon.

Being Truthful

2010-09-22T01:25:00.002+08:00

Never once did I find it so hard to let my parents know that I'm seeing someone.

It sucks to hide it from them. It sucks having to lie almost on a daily basis just to meet up with him.

And it sucks even more knowing that the other party is having thoughts of settling down at some stage, and yet I can't fully put entire heart and soul into making it work, all because I know my parents will not agree to this...

I HATE EXAMS!!!!

2010-09-20T23:06:00.002+08:00

AAAAHHH!!!!!!

I need to rant!!!!!

Super pissed off with all the studying. Damn, am seriously wondering why the hell I'm in the line when I absolutely hate studying, and am definitely NOT cut out for it.

Mixed feelings abt this exam actually.

On one hand, I shouldnt even be feeling stressed about it, because it's no big deal flunking it anyway.

Yet on the other hand, I really want to pass it for some reasons.

Anyway, I've already tried my best.

Hopefully things will turn out fine. Praying hard..

On a happier note, once this is over (regardless of outcome), I'm gonna have all the fun I can have over the next few days. Can't wait to see what programmes J have lined up for me!!!!

What's wrong with me?

2010-08-29T20:22:00.002+08:00

Not in the best mood today. Not sure why.

Perhaps too cooped up at home. I haven't been out since he left Sg,

Perhaps I'm feeling alone, despite him making time for me. Guess it's just me. Somehow, I still feel the "emotional gap". I'm still not able to bridge it completely.

Perhaps I'm stressed about exams. Not that it matters whether I pass or not, but it's more about peer pressure and the culture here that exams matter more than anything else.

Perhaps I'm tired. Afterall, I've already worked 14 days straight in a row.

2010-08-20T12:38:00.002+08:00

CG came and left.

Mum came to my room in the morning to tell me he's coming. I was too unwell to get up from bed to wash up.

Later, I was woken by some noise from the rummaging. There he was searching for something. The moment he found it, he left..

Not a word to ask if I'm ok, when I'm sure my mum told him I'm ill.

The only thing he said to me when I woke up was "I'm leaving. Need to go back to work."

I guess that is enough to show how much someone cares, and what that 5 yr relationship meant. Perhaps like what my friends said, it's not the quantity, but the quality that mattered. It hurts knowing that going through so much for him, at the end of it, I didn't mean much.

Yet despite breaking up, somehow, I feel that it is only right that I be around if he needs help in any way here (not that he needs me since he either contacts my parents or his friends now).

I can tell that he doesn't feel anything for me now.

Maybe it's time I start letting go slowly of my obligation towards him...

Mission accomplished!

2010-08-15T21:24:00.004+08:00

Haven't done something for anyone for a long time, and I finally did something for someone today.

Am glad that he's really happy when the food was delivered. Few blunders as I was planning it, but at least the food got there piping hot. :) It's definitely not the easiest having to surf to find a Chinese restaurant that delivers to that area, and making calls overseas just to get this plan carried out successfully.

Food standard wasn't the best of cos, since it's Australia. Nevertheless, knowing that it has warmed his heart a lot, and he won't be going hungry whilst being ill, made me feel that my efforts were all worthwhile.

It's been a long while since I felt appreciated.

Hope he'll get well soon.

2010-08-08T02:15:00.003+08:00

"My parents told me to bring you home for dinner when I'm back." he said to me.

This came unexpectedly.

I went to the airport to send him off to Australia. Not because we are together. Not because I wanted to see who his colleagues and family, but because I wanted to see him before he leaves.

I met 2 familiar faces today - his parents. I've met them before when I was 22, when we were still together. It has been many years, and his parents wore a surprised look when they saw me, especially his mum. I couldn't quite tell what she was thinking. Did she recognise that I was the girl who went to her house for dinner and had nice chats with her? Was she wondering why I was there to see her son off? Was she wondering if both of us had reconciled?

I dare not go too close to them to talk. I felt awkard. I'm sure they will also feel awkward initiating a chat with me.

Met his little niece which he talks about. She's really cute. She was quite shy when she saw me, but still came over to address me. My heart melted when she came over to hand me a sweet. That's how kids make friends isn't it?

He introduced me to his bosses and some of his colleagues today. But I was very very quiet the whole evening. They were busy telling J some important stuffs and J was busy sorting some issues too. "Sorry ah, got to take J away from you for a while." his boss said. I was worried about being more than a hindrance.

I didn't get to talk much to him. We didnt stand as close as we normally did too. I dare not get too near him either. Our conversation couldn't get more normal. In fact, I was surprised that he held me close to him to give me a hug before he left.

I watched him go through the immigration, till he left my field of vision. I'm not sure if he noticed. Probably not. I was hoping that he'll turn back to see me for the last time before leaving. I was a tad disappointed that he didn't.

I felt a tinge of sadness. I didn't expect myself to feel this way. Afterall, he's just going to be there for 1 mth...

A message came very soon after.

"I love u. Wait for me."

This was the message from the guy I loved with all I had years ago.

All these years, I never thought I'll see him again. Never did I expect him to tell me this again.

I still cannot believe that this is happening.

To think I thought such things only happens on TV...

Jaded

2010-08-03T23:41:00.002+08:00

Everything in my life is screwed at the moment.

Family. Relationship. Career.

None of which I have an idea to resolve.

After a mid-placement supervisor feedback, I came out of the office with thoughts of taking no pay leave. I don't see why my existence in the place is needed, if I was perceived by others to be such a person.

I don't think I deserved any of that, for the amount of effort/time I have spent on my patients, on my calls, and struggling with a messy system. Perhaps my ability to adapt to a messy environment is weaker than others, but I am trying.

It was the most demoralising feedback ever. Never did I walk out of a supervisor's office feeling so unappreciated, Fair enough that patients don't appreciate the things I've done or recognise how my life has been compromised for their care, but nothing hurts more than knowing that even your own superiors don't appreciate it.

I have no clue how the perception came about. And a lot of the things we talked about, gave me a strong feeling that everything is just about being political.

I'm feeling "lonely" in this place, and being relatively quiet as an attempt to avoid trouble which my other friends have warned me about before I started my placement in this place still brought me trouble. At the end of the day, I suppose if u have become a target, then there's just not going to be an end to it.

Like what a friend told me before I plunged myself into this..."If this place dislikes u from Day 1, they will dislike u for the rest of your days here."

I'm tired.

I really do regret to some extent for coming back...

And as much as I feel pathetic for feeling this way, Medicine in this place is gradually killing off my enthusiasm.

Thank you

2010-08-01T13:23:00.002+08:00

Thank you for the memorable Saturday.

I know this sounds pathetic, but I really was extremely excited over this Saturday J's planned for me.

I never had a more relaxing day, even though it was spent rotting. It was a nice change of environment. Thank you for taking my troubles away from me for a while.

And I was touched enough that someone had bothered planning something for me.

If only..if only u hadn't left 6 yrs ago...

2010-07-20T23:31:00.002+08:00

A plate of fried rice with my favourite Xiao Long Bao brought back memories of my days with J.

I haven't had these in Crystal Jade for a very long time, partly because it brought back memories.

And 6 yrs later, served on the table were the fried rice and XLB, with him to enjoy them again with me.

Although the fried rice didn't taste as nice as before, it still brought back fond memories.

He asked to hold my hands during the bus trip back. And I obliged.

It was a familiar feeling. It has been a long time since I last felt it. I felt secure, but it had to end when we got off the bus.

I don't really know what I'm doing anymore....

2010-07-20T13:08:00.002+08:00

Maybe I should move on.

I don't know if I have made the right decision. And I'm worried about making this decision, for I know that once it's made, it's a no turning back anymore.

CG has moved out. I've visited it, and it pains me seeing him moving to such a place to live. I hid my tears away when I was there. I wanted him to move back, but maybe he's happier being there than having to come back to see me everyday.

I tried asking for a patch up to no avail. I could tell that he was determined to give me up completely...and instead of trying further to clear the air, perhaps it's better for me to move on too.

J has been making advances, and it doesn't help knowing that I still feel for him after all these years. I was especially touched when he brought dinner/supper to my workplace, just so that I won't skip my meal during my call.

He has made his feelings clear to me. And I can tell that he is trying hard. I appreciate the fact that he's not forcing me to make a decision. But I think that ideally, I should be making my own stand, so that we can all get on with our lives if nothing is going to come out from it.

I've drawn a line between the both of us. Part of me wants to cross it, and give him the one chance he asks for. But the thought of CG just makes me take a further step back. I know I'm not ready when I pulled my hand away.

J's going to Aus soon for a few mths for training. "Maybe when I'm back, u'll have an answer for me.." he told me a few days ago.

I know I'll miss him. But I don't know how long is it going to take me to muster enough courage to overcome my fear (I don't want him to disappear on me again), and guilt. It'll be difficult to accept a person if I'm not able to do so, no?

I'm single again

2010-07-12T22:08:00.003+08:00

Have I changed?

Lemon reminded me that I used to tell her that it's ok if I don't get married, and it's definitely a no to having kids. But now, here I am telling her that I'm getting worried now that I'm hitting the magical "3" soon.

I am back to being single, after close to 5 years. Long story.

It has come to a point where it's difficult to turn back.

Like Lemon said, time will tell. I don't have to make a choice now.

Perhaps staying single for a while will be good. My mind needs a rest. It's been a while.

2010-06-21T01:17:00.002+08:00

With only my bedside lamp on and soft, slow music by some orchestra in the background, here I am enjoying the quiet night.

It's lovely. And I have not had a chance to do so for a very long while.

My emotions went into a roller coaster ride for the last few weeks. But after a night's sleep, I am feeling better.

A chapter in my life closed with question marks lingering on for the past 6 years. I mustered enough courage to ask him 2 nights ago about what had happened causing his disappearance. I finally know the truth. No longer do I have to make guesses anymore.

I cannot understand why he couldnt have been honest and tell me the truth to start off with. I would have known what to do, if only he had told me. It hurts to only know the truth 6 yrs later.

"I'm really hurt.." I wanted to tell him that. Face to face.

Anyway, it's all too late now.

Friends we are, but between us, I know that a line will always been drawn. And I clearly know that it's a line that we'll never cross.

He has chosen to lead a life free from emotional commitments. He has moved on.

I am attached, and I am responsible for another him.

I should try and let it go. It is only right that I move on too.

Tired. Demoralised. Frustrated.

2010-06-14T22:47:00.003+08:00

Feeling really suffocated.

And this urge in me to just scream it all out and let it all go.

I'm drained.

Looking at my schedule pisses me. I'm always on call, and apart from being in the hospital, I hardly have time for anything else.. I hardly even have time for myself!

Exams are coming. And on top of juggling with my endless calls, I've to find time to study. Am seriously wondering how am I ever gonna make it through. As much as I want to revise, my tired mind doesn't allow me to. Sometimes, brain blocks occur during my rounds, and I can't help but wonder if I'm even safe to carry on with the day. Yet somehow, I manage to get through it (with fear of course).

I need an exit, but I don't know where to find it. I feel so suffocated with my routined life, being unofficially restricted. I wish I can go somewhere and hide, be totally cut off from everyone, to sit down and sort out my thoughts.

I wish I can just say "Fuck off and leave me alone!"

2010-06-13T17:42:00.003+08:00

Years ago, he disappeared without a word. I waited, believing that perhaps he was too busy to contact me, only to find myself crying hard outside his hostel after a long wait. He never appeared again.

Tough it was, but I moved on.

I never thought he will appear again, but he did....years later.

A message was all it took to stir things up, to bring back all the painful memories.

Perhaps he had forgotten that we were once together. Perhaps he had taken our relationship as one which isn't to be taken seriously; afterall we were still young then. But I had not forgotten. I was serious about it.

Since his reappearance, my life went into another mess.

As much as I wanted to ignore him, I couldn't. Emotions don't end the way u want it to.

I maintained my smile when I talked to him and had dinner with him. But my emotions were in a mess, and questions filled my mind. I was pleased to see him, even though I know I should never see him again. I still felt a thing, but at the same time, I hated him.

I had so much to say, so much to ask. Yet I could not bring myself to do so.

He asked me about my bf and if I was getting married soon. Strangely, it felt like a pin prick. I tried to keep the chat of this topic as minimal as I can. I wasn't feeling good.

I felt another prick when I found out about the relationship he had after ours.

I also felt terrible when he asked how have I been over the last few years.

I wanted to tell him that he had no right to ask me these. I wanted to tell him that he should not even appear again. I wanted to tell him that I had so much to say to him before, but he never gave me a chance to.

I wanted to ask him why he had take me away from someone who loved me with all his heart, and then leave me. I wanted to ask him if he was being serious about me to begin with. I wanted to know what was it that I have done wrong that he had to leave.

I wanted to know why he chose to appear again after so many years.

.....but I did not have the courage to say those things.

I was worried my eyes would betray my mind. I looked away whenever I could. I turned my head away whenever I could.

I am feeling terrible.

Insignificant self

2010-05-17T17:29:00.003+08:00

Granduncle's demise has become major news to not just my huge family, but to the nation as well.

As I was helping out at the funeral, it gave me the opportunity to see many things, and as usual, whenever I'm at Grandaunt's place, I never fail to leave with thoughts and feel like an insignificant individual in this family.

Like all huge families, interpersonal relationships tend to be complicated, and because of this, I have been given treatment which made me feel that my existence was insignificant since I was very very young. I spent my childhood watching my cousins being favoured and praised by my elders for various reasons. My recollection of my younger days there was always getting commented about my average results, and hearing how well so-and-so did for exams. I never quite understood why I wasn't favoured/praised when there was nothing I did to upset anyone, nor did I behave badly to cause dislike. It was only when I grew much older than I understood why I will never be considered to be "one of them".

Naturally, I became upset, hurt and angry. And this stayed with me.

Mum claims it must be a mistake that I was born a female because of my character, and she couldn't quite understand why I had to inherit this from the family. I don't deny that I might have inherited it, but I believe that a lot had to do with how I felt as a child.

Although I clearly know that I will never be seen to be "one of them", and there was nothing to my benefit to be "one of them" as well, I didn't like the feeling of being insignificant. I tried, and worked hard to achieve something, hoping to be "seen" in some ways, and things did change to a tiny extent for a while. At least, I never had to hear anymore about how others did better.

But no matter how things changed, I was still insignificant. Many times, I even queried myself about why my existence was needed.

The funeral made a stronger impact on how I felt about myself and reinforced the truth I have already learnt about reality.

I recall this show I watched years ago, this lady mentioned "The world only sees the brightest and most shining star. The other stars in the sky are nothing but merely decorations."

At the funeral, I was just an individual...a very ordinary individual. The guests were high ranking officials, ministers or prominent figures in society. Although I'm holding a respectable career in the society, I still felt "small". The reporters and cameramen would be rushing in to video and shoot photos of these prominent figures, and I would have to try and move aside just to make way for them to do their jobs.

I must mention that I didn't quite like the feeling of having to move aside. It's not about wanting to be in the limelight, but it made me ask myself, "Am I so lowly that I shouldn't even be seen to be near these people?"

I spent my hours there feeling alone, observing the crowd, and in thoughts.

And quietly, I told myself that I should strive to put my insignificance and non-existence to an end someday.

Random stuffs

2010-04-07T10:29:00.002+08:00

**** WORK****

Took 3 days of leave just to get away from work. Am feeling pretty sick of being back there.

I'll be back at work tomorrow, and definitely dreading it. Back to the days of waking up early, and reporting to work at an a disgusting early hour, slog non-stop till the sun sets, before going home to force some food down the throat before going to sleep.

That's how my daily schedule is 90% of the time.

What makes it more sick is that every morning when I report to work, I don't even know why I'm doing it. In the UK, I'll be looking forward to see my colleagues, my patients and my nurses, but here, there's really nothing much to look forward to. I remember back in my days as a house officer, the nurses will always offer me a cup of tea and invite me to their pantry for snacks whenever they know I'm not in my best condition in whatever way. A few minutes was consoling enough, and definitely a great booster and encouragement for me to push on.

But things are different here.

I've always wondered if my colleagues know why they're at work - apart from earning the bread and butter to pay off their loans and service their marriage. Everyone is frustrated, including myself. Nurses and doctors are not seen as One, with each forming their own alliance. The number of the patients that get admitted is like the enemy which u can never defend off, and in order to keep your patient list to a reasonable number, you will just have to find a way to discharge them asap, or transfer them out to a zone that doesn't belong to yourself.

Turning on your computer to see which patients are in your zone starts a doctor's day, and seeing familiar names just turns you off most of the time. Before you even see them, you already know the diagnosis and the precipitating factor. It frustrates me to treat such people, and sometimes, I wonder if they're sick of seeing me too. I cannot understand why anyone would get themselves admitted if they're not even willing to heed advice or take meds (no money is no longer an excuse I accept since they're usually a medical social worker's case). Why waste a bed? Why waste people's time?

Then u have irritating relatives who expects updates numerous times a day, like as if u have nothing better to do but to sit by the phone the whole day to make calls. And for every phone call, u'll be repeating exactly what u just said in the last phone call to them.

Not forgetting, u have the demanding, and wanna play doctor type, but pretty dense type, who will stand in the corner and lecture u for not doing this and that when they have no clue about what is going on in our minds when we make certain decisions. Sometimes, u'll be so pissed that u just want to hand them your stethoscope and leave. There's also the type who will scold u if the patient still has diarrhoea after 1 dose of anti-diarrhoeals.

Then u have some nurses who has no clue abt hierachy, and will call u for trivial stuffs, which a house officer can handle. Or report some non-urgent blood results of some patient u have no clue about and not even yours to begin with. All for the sake of completing their "documentation".

Sigh, basically, it's just S.H.I.T working as a doc here.

Not forgetting there are higher exams to take, and in an Asian society, paper counts more than anything. In order for anyone to take a 2nd look at u, you have to pass your exams.

===========================================

****RELATIONSHIP****

Not much change.

Dearie and his dad are still at the battle. Yup, after so many years, the battle has yet to end.

Hurt, I am. Tears, I've shed an immense amount. Threats of insecurity, I have lost count. I have gotten used to it as the years went. I have also accepted that the battle will never end as long as we're together.

His hug is the only thing to ease it a little for me.

This 4.5 years together has been very difficult. It definitely isn't pleasant for me, not that it is any better for him either.

Afterall, he was once living a lifestyle whereby money was never an issue. And it was solely because of this relationship that all financial support was cut off completely.

Frustrated I am. But at the end of the day, it is still him I chose. This, of course, includes the "rest of the package" that comes along with it.

Getting married is one of the things we talked about and put off time and time again. Dearie never showed signs of interest, and I would be lying to say I wasn't disappointed.

It was only until recently that he started to look at rings, asking for prices and asking if I like them. He also started looking around for hotels, and became more interested in wedding photoshoots.

Although I still have no idea when a wedding will turn into reality, it was consoling to know that Dearie is putting some thoughts into it.

1st January 2010

2010-01-11T21:22:00.002+08:00

The most memorable day ever.

A major step forward in my life..and definitely a long-waited one after such a long status quo till I am already getting frustrated.

I finally bought a condo!!!!! :D

It feels great no longer having to think about when there'll be any new HDB projects opening in the East. No longer do I have to think about the stress of having to go "fight" with people for a HDB unit.

The satisfaction of knowing that my years of hardwork and scrimping has finally paid off with something I can see. I wonder what the feeling will be like when I finally get to receive the key to my little abode in the next few yrs' time...hehheeh...

Beauty of one's dialect

2009-12-29T08:41:00.003+08:00

I recall a patient whom I saw in A&E who presented with giddiness. She was a lovely, smiley old lady, not one who turns cold and hostile towards you just because u're not in any way related to her. She did show some discomfort though, and I attributed it to her giddiness.

I started my history taking with asking how she was in Chinese. And she replied in Teochew, hoping that I would understand what she would like to tell me. Being Teochew, I understood her, and similarly, started conversing with her using my very limited Teochew. I liked listening to her accent. It was that of a typical Teochew, and it reminded me strongly of how my late Great-grandmother spoke. Grandpa still speaks fluent Teochew, but somehow, the accent isn't as strong as that above his generation.

For some strange reasons, she could tell I was Teochew, and started asking me where exactly did my ancestors originate from in China. Grandpa did mention this to me once, but I could not quite get the name, so I wasn't able to tell her exactly which village my family came from. She did though. It was a memorable conversation because I could literally see her "glow" when she found out that I was Teochew too. I did wonder if she was still giddy after all that excitement.

I managed to remember which province she came from, and after finding out my roots from Grandpa again, I was surprised that she came from the same place as my ancestors. It was a pity I cannot remember her name. I was even planning to visit her in the ward to let her know that my ancestors came from the same village as her. I know, for sure, that it would delight her tremendously.

The ability to converse in my own dialect, albeit limited, has brought some joy to some of elderly Teochew patients. Most tend to ask for my surname, and like what my elders told me, one can tell roughly whereabout my ancestry is from with that.

Today, I went to see my patient who just had a liver transplant. As usual, I spoke to him in Mandarin, only to realise later that he was Teochew. It was a great pleasure looking at him because I know he is recovering after such a major surgery he had. He was talking endlessly, and telling all of us doctors that we're hopeless for not being able to speak dialect. He glanced at me, and said to the rest, "Look at her...so young. How can she speak Teochew? Can u speak Teochew?"

I nodded. And he continued by asking me more questions to see if I could reply.

I could, but in short sentences. I was too embarrassed to converse properly with him, because it wasn't long since I actually started to speak Teochew to anyone (I never dared to...my parents always say my accent isn't perfect), and sometimes, I tend to "gather my words" before I say them out.

"I'm right. U can't speak Teochew. Teochews don't answer this way." he said with a cheeky smile. To be honest, all I wanted to see was that smile. The words didn't matter.

I had no idea what he meant. Perhaps my accent isn't anything comparable to my grands, but I am confident it was understandable (I don't see how bad it can get if grandpa understands), and I was sure I got my words right.

However, it's on days like this which makes me go "if only I can speak better Teochew...".

Traumatic call

2009-12-08T15:11:00.002+08:00

Goodness gracious. My call last night was a nightmare.

First case was one in resus...extremely ill +++. One look, and I knew the ending point for this poor patient is nearing. Pupils were dilated and hardly even reacting. 5.5L of fluids poured in like there's no end to a "drought" with an effort to bring up the urine output was to no avail. Instead, he turned "gurggly".

I've seen a pretty reasonable number of very ill patients whom I know will go off within a short period of time, and most of them turn "gurggly" before they arrest.

Spent a great amt of time updating the family and reinforcing poor prognosis as well as the decision to not intubate or send the patient to ICU due to his poor premorbids. The family's response came as a surprise for me, as I thought they would have expected the worst outcome by looking at the patient, and knowing the underlying condition.

But apparently not.

I guess it's understandable that family members would want the best outcome for their loved ones, which sometimes the route they choose to reach the "ending point" might not necessary be the wisest one.

When my fellow partner informed me that one of the patients arrested, I knew on the spot who it must be.

Anywayz...

I spent the ENTIRE night clerking. No sleep. And still, unable to finish clerking all the cases. Bah!
The situation got so bad, that at some point, I just gave up tracking how many are pending, and how many I've seen. I think one can tell that I'm rushing through (yet trying to maintain patient safety to the best of my ability) frm my scribbling. The handwriting just got uglier and uglier, and I'm amazed when my ex-Senior from A&E could still say she loves my handwriting...gosh.

Should be doing revision now whilst waiting for exit ward round, but my brain's going on strike. And I still got a 5.30pm transplant meeting to attend, since I'll be presenting my cases to a big crowd.....sigh...that's life of a pathetic MO...

Not meant to be

2009-09-16T13:02:00.003+08:00

I've worn a ring on my finger for close to 4 years. It started off being pretty uncomfortable but soon became part of me. It had a significance, and how I became its owner wasn't, unfortunately, accompanied by a romantic story. In fact, thinking back, it was quite disappointing and hurting, but I've gotten over it. Afterall, I knew why it was so, and it needn't be spoken out during then.

Putting on this ring wasn't easy. The ring has a reasonable weight, and along with it, came a similar reasonable weight laid upon me. The relationship never started off with a honeymoon, and a honeymoon never came either. It was filled with a whirlwind of events, mostly demoralising and extremely hurting. Of course, once in blue moon, there would come something sweet to ease it a little.

Removing it last night took the weight off my finger, and similarly, it will take away the weight laid upon me. Of course, doing this comes with a bucket of tears, but perhaps, it will be worth exchanging it for a new lease of freedom we've decided to give ourselves.

Like what he said, this relationship was a mistake from the beginning.

Our train of thoughts and opinions are usually conflicting. And to save myself from more disappointment, with time, I learnt to "adapt" to these conflicting views, against my own will of course. I was "trained" to feel that birthdays and anniversaries are just another day in a year, so much so that even though I know that deep down, it meant something to me, I have learnt to turn a blind eye towards them.

I love surprises and presents, and they do not need to be expensive. I still do enjoy buying small gifts for the one I love, but I was "trained" to think that inexpensive presents isn't worth anything, hence, not worth buying. If I do receive any gifts, they would always be expensive. I do like my presents, but something seems to be lacking whenever I receive them. And with time, I have lost my interest and excitement with presents.

I admit to having a materialistic side, and being at 27, most girls will be going on dates in cars. At least many of my friends are. I enjoy going on car rides with my bf being the one driving, but unfortunately, do not have the luxury of enjoying it on an almost daily basis. I want to settle down, like other girls, in a tiny nest together with the one I love. It doesn't have to be huge. It doesn't have to be filled with the most expensive furniture. My only unreasonable request is for it to be a condo (I like nice surroundings) or in the worst case, a HDB in a convenient area. A wedding is supposed to be a once-in-a-lifetime affair, and it does mean a lot to me. My dream wedding doesn't have to be a grand one with hundreds of guests whom I do not know, but one with a small number in a very cosy romantic setting.

It is hurting enough to know that none of this can be achieved, but it slices my heart even more to be told that there is no one to be blamed except for myself, all because I am selfish and refuse to migrate. Yes, I'll be able to sit in car everyday, have a condo of my own, and have my dream wedding with the bonus of having it grand, but that would mean giving up Medicine after my years of hardwork, living my whole life under control and obligations, and being a full-time housewife. This will be my definition of happiness in his context, but misery in mine, and no drive better towards severe depression for me.

Trust builds a relationship, and once lost, crumbles a relationship. I'm not stupid, but I am gullible in my own way. I like choosing to trust someone I love, simply because I saw no advantage in doubting. After being lied to by a few people whom I thought I could trust, I made this mistake again - not just once. And the lies always unfold with me finding them out for myself. The reasons given would be one of the usual "What's the point of telling u the truth?" or "I'm doing it for your own good.", followed by quarrelling, before being shouted at with the usual "What sacrifices have u made for me? I have made greater sacrifices for u. I am the one who is suffering all the while, not u. I don't see how u are suffering in any way."

Never was there once he thought of how I would feel after finding out the truths for myself. Never was there once he would calmly admit his mistake. In fact, the lies got bigger and bigger, so did the intensity of my disappointment and hurt. Not once, am I not blamed for his decision to lie to me, and it amazes me at how he can still gladly feel upset that I got upset and lectured him for lying, and feel that I should be taking most of the blame for all that has happened. I forgave him once, forgave him twice, but even after asking to be told the truth, he still chose to lie to me. And I still chose to forgave someone whom I have lost trust in, and choosing to believe that I must be the biggest idiot around.

I am not expecting him to salvage this relationship. I am not expecting him to say "Sorry", because he never thought he was wrong, or to be blamed for mistakes he had made. He probably even thinks that the biggest mistake made was to be in this relationship.

It has come to an end now. The ring has been taken off. I have said enough to him, most of which he chose to ignore. There is nothing more I have left to say to him. No longer is it important to know how much I meant to him so much so that he has chosen to hurt me time and time again, no longer important is it to know whether he know the mistakes he has made to ruin a relationship which has meant the world to me.

Gastritis

2009-09-15T05:07:00.002+08:00

I'm really not in the perfect shape for night shift at the moment. And it's 3 more hrs more to go before I can grab my bag and get back home to hunt for my meds.

There's no way I can get my hands on Omeprazole since there's no one to sign my prescription here, and it'll be ridiculous if I have to go to a ward to get it.

Been grabbing whatever I can get here in the Emergency Department...MMT, Famotidine, Maxalon, but as expected, those aren't gonna work for me. The discomfort is still there, I'm still burping and regurgitating sourish liquid and wrenching like mad.

Damn it. It's just a matter of time before I get another stomach ulcer.

Must definitely try and find someone to prescribe me the meds before I go off shift later.

Letter of Thanks

2009-09-13T01:40:00.002+08:00

Was clearing my pigeon hole at work today, and to my surprise, I received a hand-written letter from a patient I managed in Resuscitation.

It was the best gift to cheer me up after another fast-going and tiring shift. The "Thank you" letter meant a lot to me, but knowing that he had gone to the extent of trying to get the florist at the hospital to send me flowers, going to A&E in attempt to present me with an iPhone as a token of appreciation (obviously, the security guards wouldn't let him through A&E), and inviting me for dinner, was far way beyond what I deserve.

I am still happy, nevertheless. It isn't easy to find patients who appreciate you these days, especially in A&E where many patients and their relatives take out their frustrations on you, sending in complaint letters...and nothing you do is never good enough to satisfy them.

I'll definitely go to sleep smiling tonight.

Incoordination

2009-09-10T00:03:00.002+08:00

This has been a problem for years, but something tells me that there is more to it.

Years ago, when I went to an optometrist for specs/lenses fitting, I was told that I can never get a sharp focus on things. Reason being my right eye muscles are weak. I never knew what he meant. Years later, I went to an opthalmologist, and mentioned this to him. The ophthalmologist never told me if this was true..and I thought perhaps there was no such thing.

However, as time went by, I'm beginning to wonder if what the optometrist said is true. I've been living with blurred vision (despite specs/lenses) for a long time, but recently, my vision has deteriorated to a level whereby it has been rather disturbing. And it's not just my vision getting more blur, but now it feels that my eyes aren't coordinating. Many times, I realise that I'm having to use only my left eye to be able to see something clearly. Movement of my right eye doesn't feel right either, and I tend to either tear or feel some pain in my right eye when I look towards the left.

I thought perhaps it's the lenses, but the same problem occurs when I'm wearing my specs as well. And I didn't realise that my vision has been deteriorating until I realise that I'm not even able to read road signs now. Yes, not kidding on this.

Will be seeing an optometrist soon to check my vision, but at the back of my mind, I'm seriously wondering if there is a bigger problem than just my vision. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. Perhaps I should seek an opthalmologist's opinion on this, but then again, I'm quite scared to do so.

你还好吗？

2009-09-04T00:41:00.002+08:00

很久没有上网写东西了。生活也没什么非常有趣的。每天不是在家里，就是在医院里上班，几乎很少和外面的世界接触。

我真得不要命了。多几个小时，我又得起床去上课，而且还得考试，可是书本都还没读完，而且读过的也没怎么记得太好，真不知道我明天怎么去考试。咳。。

最近我爱上了一首歌，也开始学者唱。每当听到这首歌，就会想起他，想起我们是怎么认识的，我们一起上学的日子，我们怎么开始交往等等。一转眼，我们也已经分手大概有4-5年了。刚开始，即使分手了，我还能感受到他在默默的守着我，可是慢慢的，他也就离开了。

我相信他一定是花了很多时间鼓起勇气来选择默默地离开。我也相信这或许是唯独让他解脱痛苦的唯一办法。

今天在回家的途中，我正在对外发呆时，我的第六敢告诉我，车外有个人正在看我。我不是很喜欢烟队眼看着一个我不认识的人，所以我一直没转头看他。不久后，他就不看了。这时，我就偷偷看了一眼。这一看，真吓到我了。从旁边看，这位男生长得和他一样。车子在堵车的情况下，让我多看了几秒。我心里忽然变得激动。就在这时候，他就开着摩托车走了。

不知道我希望看到的这个人现在还好吗。不知道他已经找到自己的幸福了吗。不知道他现在睡了吗，还是和以前一样，每晚都很晚才睡。

我很想他。。

2009-08-02T18:35:00.002+08:00

Went to the salon for a haircut yesterday, and because Dearie thinks I should try a change in my hairstyle, he thought perhaps I should try a perm.

And I did just that.

The hairdresser was really pleased with the curls, but my heart sank when I looked at myself in the mirror.

I dread the hand texture as I touch the curls, and it's all thanks to my already dry and damaged hair from 9 yrs of rebonding/dying/perming.

I can't help but think I look horrible, despite people telling me that I don't. Makes me wonder if they are trying to console me. Am working today, and I have noticed some people looking at me when I walk past, and I can't help wondering if they're looking at my hair.

Looks like I'll need lots and LOTS of treatment. One of my nurses told me that it'll get better with time (through her own experience). Let's hope she's right.

And yup, I think I'll be tying my hair for quite some time, until the curls have soften up.

Selling my youth to the hospital

2009-07-13T23:13:00.002+08:00

Sigh..it's one of the rare occasions where I get to sit down and blog.

I should be enjoying myself like the other youngsters out there, having gatherings with friends, having a nice cup of tea, going shopping, and of course, dressing up like all females my age do.

However, here I am selling my youth away to the hospital, and becoming a slave for $$$. Sigh. That's life of a doctor. And no matter how tired and pissed off u r, u can never finish with clearing cases, since the pile keeps coming.

Like every Monday, A&E becomes a madder madhouse. But today has gone madder than usual. It was a nightmare trying to clear cases in the non-fever clinic area, and just when I was relieved that the cases are finally clearing, I got sent to the fever area, and when I entered the fever zone, I was welcomed by a whole swarm of patients and their relatives standing everywhere. There's hardly place to walk. And pity those who r really ill, and can't even find a seat to seat down and rest.

And there in the consultation room was a thick pile awaiting to be cleared. Frustration comes when u've finally cleared them, to find that another pile is being thrown into the slot again.

That's my life everyday in A&E. And the only perk is the thought of getting my hard-earned pay at the end of the month.

Gone were the days where I still get to think abt meeting my friends, or even go on a date. Weekends have become almost non-existent, and something u even have to specially request for.

I really miss my friends, and there's really quite a number whom I do want to meet. One of which is my long-time buddy, Lemon. Haven't met her for yrs, and it's very sad that I rarely get to talk to her anymore. Just sent her a belated bday greeting a while ago, and honestly, I'm feeling very guilty abt it.

Can't rem when was the last time I had a proper date with Dearie as well.

Attended a wedding on Saturday, and the guests who were ard my age were all happily mingling with their friends. I did feel pretty much out of place, not just because I was with my parents attending this family wedding, but I felt as if I was in a completely different world from these young guests. Everyone was having a great time chatting with one another, getting intoxicated, laughing etc, whilst I was sitting there wondering what time will the dinner end since I've got to get up early for work the next day, when my nxt day off will be, what should I choose for my next posting, when will I get my nxt pay, and when will I be able to pay my first installment for my nest.

What the hell...

Needing a holiday...

2009-06-08T15:03:00.002+08:00

Lots have happened within this 1 month. Both work and personal. Most of which, very upsetting and disappointing.

These issues are accumulating by the day, and it is slowly becoming a struggle to move on.

I need a break.

I am craving to go somewhere to do whatever pleases me, be totally uncontactable and to get some peaceful sleep. Forget abt ED. Forget abt patients. Forget abt everything.

Sometimes, I really wish I can lose my memory, so that I can start my life anew..

Fever zone

2009-06-01T02:57:00.002+08:00

What a crazy start to my night duty on a Sunday!

Am assigned to the Fever Zone..the zone where no docs wanna be in, simply because it's always understaffed for strange reasons.

And my misery got worse when there's a sudden surge of patients into the Fever zone and I'm at war alone in this isolated area. Bleah.

Apologies to those who got pissed off after such a long wait and decided to cancel registration and seek professional help elsewhere. I was really trying my best to see the patients as quickly as I can, PLUS running from fever to non-fever zone countless times (and note that I have to gown up in PPE each time I enter the Fever area, and degown whenever I leave..grrr) because of attention-seeking people.

Looks like I'm not the only one in this shit since my nurses and seniors were also wondering what curse was cast on the department today for having this insane surge of patients on a Sunday.

Sunday nights are when a number of NS guys will start streaming in with whatever complaint they can come up with. I seriously do not think that every NS guy is "chao keng", but with the number of black sheeps around, somehow, as emergency physicians, we can't help but wonder at the back of our minds if it's just one of those acts whenever we know someone is from NS. And strangely, most of them come with their parents - something I can never understand because they're old enough to tell the docs what's wrong with them and aren't that ill that they need parents to come along with them. I'm mean, but it does entertain me a lot when I start speaking very sternly to them with bits of sarcasm when I know for sure that the patient in front of me is a malingerer. And true enough, once I go "You don't need a MC", the patient absconds IMMEDIATELY. Funny huh..

Ok..enuff for tonight. Got called to help out in non-fever areas already...ffffff...gotta degown again...fffff...

"Life in ED" - ED meaning Emergency Dept

2009-05-22T23:32:00.003+08:00

Life in ED is...

1. Working till u dont know when it's day or night until u walk out of the hospital to either find the sun still shining, or the stars twinkling
2. Forgetting the days of the week since weekends r no longer weekends
3. Knowing your friends in other departments are in the hospital, but so near, yet so far
4. Knowing your fellow comrades r ard, but yet feel like u're at war alone
5. Watching "live acting" so dramatic that makes u wonder why life is so unfair that Zhang Ziyi is an international star when these oscar-winning talented individuals never got noticed by Director Zhang Yi Mou
6. Calming down relatives who finds u ever too slow for them, and completely ignoring the fact that there's so many patients, and so few of us (with stethoscopes)
7. Forget abt food...the hospital food supplied to us sux
8. Full stop to family life, and needless to say, social life (pity those who r dating ED doctors)
9. Entertaining patients who complains of pain for years and suddenly woke up one morning and thought.."Hmm..maybe I shall see a doc today"
10. Seeing so many sprains and fractures from falls, accidents etc, until u can't help but wonder why people can't walk properly and why can't people drive safely
11. Entertaining patients who basically just needs to exaggerate abt their symptoms, so that they can have more attention frm their family
12. Entertaining patients who tries to find something wrong with themselves just to be admitted simply because their better half is being admitted into hospital (i.e. lonely at home)
13. Losing it when the patient comes into ED all the time complaining of the same problem again n again, but non-compliant to the meds prescribed to treat their problem
14. Listening to patient's whines abt their symptoms, and when u have a plan for them, they decide to forgo all investigations and refuse all medications (wtf do they even come in for huh?)
15. Informing educated nutcases that Panadol can be bought in supermarkets without a prescription
16. Informing educated nutcases that there is this place called a Polyclinic/GP Practice where medications can be obtained from, and where minor problems can be seen
17. Entertaining crazy people who actually comes to a non-mental hospital to tell u they r mental and ask u to refer them for admission into IMH (why didn't they go to IMH in the first place?)
18. Having patients who tell u they got diarrhoea only once, and now has resolved (what do u want me to do then?)
19. Calming down patients who went a bit hysterical, thinking they've got cancer the moment they see some blood somewhere, or have some pain somewhere
20. Calming down patients who fears needles so much that they start yelling in pain the moment something touches their skin....and that can mean even an alcohol swab

And the rubbish can go on.

Yup, one week + in ED, and I spend most of my time with the above...

Plus I'm totally drained from the mad roster hrs and early lectures. Hopefully life will get a bit better after the formal teaching sessions...at least I'll get to sleep more.

Changeover

2009-05-13T23:36:00.002+08:00

Brand new start in a brand new area from tmr. The long-awaited department I have been dreaming abt and of course, extremely curious about - A&E.

Wonder what it'll be like. I'm just hoping that things will go smooth for me *crosses fingers*. Just had a look at my roster, and true enuff, my upcoming weekends will be burnt badly. And what's worse....I'm rostered for critical care consecutively for a few days. "Nice" -.-

Hopefully I'll have some time to share my experiences online when I get my ass there.

Will miss my old colleagues definitely, and it's really sad that I'm gonna be somewhat "isolated" from the rest of the world since I'm supposed to sleep, shit and eat only in A&E.

Another wedding

2009-05-10T00:22:00.002+08:00

Just came back home after attending a wedding. It was a great opportunity catching up with my old time friends whom I've not met for quite some time, but I think I've become much quieter than before. Maybe it's because it's been a long while since I've last met them.

People ard me are slowly getting married, which makes me wonder when mine will be. Honestly, I do wish to settle down quickly so that I can get on with my life, so that I can put full concentration into other things.

But....oh well..*shrugs*

2009-05-05T18:32:00.002+08:00

Feels great sitting down in front of the laptop, blogging and blasting Utada Hikaru's "Come Back to Me".

First heard this song when I was in Heeren HMV during one of my very very rare evening hangouts. I got a tad curious when I saw how engrossed Dearie was listening to some music and seemed to be enjoying it a lot. "Hmm..must be something good", I thought to myself, while I was enjoying the "Little Nyonya" main theme song on some new CD. So after he's done, I went to be a KPO and oh boy, was I impressed!

Anyway, work's been busy. Yeah yeah..nothing new. And once again, I'm fatigued from consecutive weekend duty and on calls.

Just when I thought I can happily hop into A&E, MOH barred all MOs to changeover, so I'm still currently stuck in a medical ward. Good and bad actually. Good because suddenly, I am getting worried since I'm not good at certain specialties and I really need to do some reading, plus I do love my current colleagues a lot. Bad because I still have to do medical calls. Sigh.

With the "swine flu" alert going on, rounding is becoming more and more painful with the masks. And here I am trying hard to discharge patients, there I get more patients coming in to fill up my beds. Argh! WHY?! R people still wanting to be admitted at this point of time?

On call

2009-04-06T21:50:00.003+08:00

I'm seriously trying to avoid my call room, since it's in some ulu area in the hospital. And hence, decided to hide in some ward to read/rot/sleep/surf.

So far, call's good, and I'm desperately praying hard that it'll be so for the rest of the night. My fellow call partner for the night must be having a good time as well. 2 bored people, accounts to why we started sending each other random msges even though we had no clue who the other person was (except for the name).

There's this houseman who is coming in and out of the room after clerking patients. Betcha she must be hating me for being able to relax and sit here, while her phone goes off numerous times for whateva reasons.

Oh ya..went house-hunting with Dearie yesterday, and it irritates the hell out of me when I know that I can't afford it. Grrr...I'm already scrimping a lot ya know?!!??!?! Damn it, why am I so poor??!?!?!

2009-03-17T17:25:00.003+08:00

I'm back! Back from my 2nd admission into hospital.

Was taking my meds for the back pain after being discharged the first time, and 3 days later, my stomach started hurting intensely. Again, it woke me up in the middle of the night. I've been having bouts of the tummy pain quite often ever since I've taken the meds, and I knew it must be because of the diclofenac.

Brought myself into the hospital where I'm working, and in A&E, it wasn't the best experience. Now I know why people rather AOR to go to a private hospital and why the disatisfaction rate is so high. Enough said. And I was glad to discharge myself and get myself properly admitted into Mt E instead.

I was seen by 2 surgeons, one for the tummy and another for my back. Had some scans done and I was told that I tore my back muscle. Had scans done as well for my tummy as well as a scope, and there we've got the answer - a big ulcer in the stomach.

Now that accounts to why I required Pethidine to relieve my pain and put me to sleep, despite me having a high pain threshold.

All likely due to the meds, but will have to wait for the biopsy results to decide if a repeat scope is required.

Oh, by the way, now that I've had a scope done myself. I've now experienced what my patients have experienced, and I must gladly say it's brilliantly done under sedation. The last thing I remembered while being conscious in the scope room was being given the sedation, and the next moment, the nurses patted me to tell me it's all over as I was being wheeled back to the wards.

Had Physio as well. The Physio assessed me, and she commented that my long term back problems (not the acute one) was due to me doing ballet in the past. That came as quite a shock actually because I have always thought that ballet would have strengthened my muscles a lot, and I thought everything's gone haywire because I've stopped doing ballet! She commented that my entire bodyweight has been placed on my toes when I walk, despite the heel being on the ground. That has caused a lot of pressure on my lumbar spine. And I was standing, walking and sitting in too straight a position, and I should learn to slouch a bit more. It felt weird when she was correcting my posture, because it felt as if I was hunching, when I'm actually not. It's gonna take a long while for me to get used to change, but I'll try. :)

Honestly, I'm really pleased to be admitted into Mt E this time. Although there was a few trivial issues which was below my expectations of a private hospital, I was impressed by the service and the doctors had bothered to make sure differentials were properly ruled out. Being a doc myself, I knew what was going on with myself, and I must have got a good reason for getting myself admitted in the first place. I needed someone to truly believe that there is something going on with me, especially when I was already needing Pethidine, rather than thinking at the back of their minds if I was exaggerating the amount of pain by displaying some acting skills to convince people around me that I'm an oscar winner in disguise. Not to mention, that I've stated time and time again that my pain threshold is high. Bah!

Anyway, this experience has really showed me quite a few number of things which will benefit me in my learning as a young doctor, and hopefully, the experience of my patients in future.

Which path?

2009-03-13T15:25:00.002+08:00

Everyday, I'll be so exhausted after work that all I want to do is to go home and sleep. Going on dates with Dearie are lessening in frequency, and I haven't really spent quality time with him that I'm feeling pretty guilty about it.

It is no wonder why others are saying that it's difficult to be the other half of a doctor. Indeed, it takes a lot of understanding and the other party has to be very forgiving. Dearie hasn't grumbled abt me not spending time with him, even though I can tell that he's quite displeased and have gradually accepted that this is part of my job. But he has asked me before if this is the way I'm going to be for the rest of my life, and verbalised that he hopes for his kids to have a proper family life in future.

My trip to China this time wasn't the most enjoyable. Dearie and I were somehow disappointed because we were looking forward to this trip so much, thinking that we can finally spend some quiet moments and quality time together. But everyday, we're having family "reunion" dinners (I'm not grumbling abt it because it's expected...his family hasn't seen him for months). Out of the 2 weeks, we've only had a 2 person dinner twice. Although I didn't say anything, Dearie knew I was disappointed.

During the family gatherings, Dearie's parents brought up the topic of marriage. They wanted to find out abt when we plan to get married, where we're going to hold the dinner, housing etc. It was stressful enough a topic to discuss, and when Dearie's dad mentioned that he's waiting for Dearie to return to China to work for the government, it brought on more stress.

I didn't say anything, but my mind was whirling with thoughts. I couldn't help questioning why this was brought up again when we've already agreed on the decision that Dearie is staying in Sg. Dearie had a lot of private talks with his parents, which I was not allowed to join. He didn't breathe very much abt what was discussed, but something tells me that it's not very pleasant. And I was worried that my fears will come true.

Indeed, it somewhat did. Dearie started asking if I was willing to quit Medicine and be a housewife in China, if I was willing to go to UK/America to work, if I was willing to change my profession and move to China, how long will I take to be good enough to work in the foreign hospital in Beijing etc. We discussed abt my dilemmas, and thoughts regarding a break up was even mentioned! Perhaps he sensed that I was being pushed too much now, he ended the discussion with a "When u feel unhappy being at work, and think u've had enough, just tell me and we'll leave."

I've been thinking abt what he's said. Like Dearie said, I haven't been as happy now as how I was when he first knew me, and ever since I came back to Sg to work, I have become even unhappier. Discussed it with some of my colleagues, and obviously the females think it's a brilliant idea to not be a doctor and stay at home everyday. U bet they were trying hard to tell me why it's great being a "taitai".

I admit that working in Sg has made me lose some of my enthusiasm of being a doctor, but I have spent years studying like mad to come this far, and my ego isn't willing to let it go at this point. I'll be doing myself and my parents so much injustice if I were to quit Medicine and resign to being a housewife for the rest of my life. But because of my insistence and my ego, I am risking losing Dearie.

So here I am wondering what I should do. Mum is definitely against me quitting Medicine.

And I haven't made up my mind whether I want to do Medicine or A&E. I wanted to do A&E first before making my decision, and deciding on which exams I should take. But all my friends have taken or are taking exams already, and here I am still being undecided. I feel pressurised to take exams because of this, and I know it is not a good reason to be doing it. Like what JS told me, "Take the exams only when u know what u really want and when u feel prepared". I still have a few mths to prepare for it, and I think I can force myself to do it if I want to sit for the exam. But I am not sure if this is what I really want. Yet there are also colleagues who told me that it is no harm having more qualifications as many doctors take exams for fun and when they've made up their mind, they'll plunge into the specialty they want. The quicker I get my exams over n done, I can climb the ladder faster (and that means I won't keep Dearie waiting too long). What they've said is true too, having one more qualification doesn't harm me. I've still got a while to think abt it before I register though.

Really lost abt what I should do abt my life at the moment...sigh...

2009-03-10T23:09:00.002+08:00

Ever since I've started working in the local hospital, things doesn't seem to go very smooth for me. I've been falling ill more often than ever, and the number of MCs I've taken is beginning to scare me.

I've only just recovered from a cough which lasted a month, and now I'm hospitalised for something else. Yup, I'm actually blogging whilst lying in bed in the hospital at the moment. It feels weird that I'm all alone in the room. I've gotten so used to having Dearie around me every night, and now that I'm alone in this hospital room, it's too quiet.

Anyway, I'm glad that at least my cough has gotten well. It was haunting me for a month, and I coughed so badly that I actually lost my voice for 3 weeks. Am still coughing now, but at least it's occasional.

And just when I thought I'm all strong and ready for the battle at work after my annual leave, I sustained quite a severe back injury. Have no idea how I injured myself because I was still sleeping happily on Saturday before waking up with a very bad backache on Sunday. It got a little better on Monday, so I was able to go to work, but in the wee hrs of the morning today, the pain was so excruciating that it woke me up from my sleep in tears. I couldn't move without assistance, and couldn't stand properly as well. Dearie had to help me change positions every few minutes because I just couldn't get comfortable in any position possible. The pain was there constantly, and I felt that I was being "stabbed" for every tiny movement I made.

Went to A&E, was given a jab which didn't help, so that's how I ended up being warded. Kinda regret being warded in CGH though, because I don't have my buddies here, or else they can help kill my boredom by having lunch with me or come to my room to rot during their daily MO gathering. I miss crapping with them, and I felt like shit when I can't join my friends for lunch when Mark msged me this afternoon. I miss them.

Will be having physio assessment tmr, and hopefully, my pain will start improving with the meds. At least now I'm able to find a more comfortable position to sit, although I still can't move much without assistance and not able to stand up straight. The pain is still there though, not that much relief. I'm fine as long as I don't move.

Now my concern is...how am I gonna sleep tonight in this position.....looks like it's not going to be a night of proper rest. Not forgetting that I'm troubled abt work problems as well..have no idea how I'm going to do my 30hr shift on Friday...

Fun loving people

2009-01-16T02:20:00.002+08:00

Who ever said doctors r a bunch of nerdy twarts?

Here I am in a department filled with MOs and HOs who crap all the time. And I'm thankful for having them around. To be honest, I'm beginning to feel sad abt the fact that we'll all be separated in a few months' time to go to another department.

We have coffee breaks together, lunch breaks together, and we do hop over to one another's area to crap and complain. It's great in a way, because a bond is formed between us, and everyone's willing to help if one of us requires it. Hence, the brilliant feeling of knowing that a war is not fought alone.

I fell ill (yup, again!) yesterday, and took half a day's MC. News spreads really fast here, because all the MOs and HOs in my department knew I was ill after being spotted in the staff clinic by a MO from another department.

I was at the verge of conking out, until my HO came along and said "Hey! Mark said u're DIL, for active management". (DIL means dangerously ill, and active management means in the event of me collapsing or going into cardiac arrest, I'm for CPR, intubation and admission into ICU)

And for the rest of the hours I stayed there, every MO and HO who sees me will give me the "OMG! Aren't you DIL?!!?!? Why r u still here?!?!?!" look.

I was so worn out yesterday, and I'm grateful to these funny ppl for making me laugh. And it did cheer me up a lot (even though I was ill) with the crap smses frm Mark. Really gotta thank him.

And I think he and YW must be thinking I'm some clown after something I told them this afternoon, which sent them laughing really loudly -.-

Me: Ay, I know a lot of taboos for on calls
M: Like?
Me: I cannot drink milo, cannot eat baos, cannot go into the last lift...
M and YW: Wah, not bad. U also know abt this...
Me: Ya, and I rather believe in it than to try it. Like that day when I was on call, I was so hungry, I went to buy a bun...then I suddenly remember buns look like baos, so I refused to eat it.
M: Buns are different from baos
Me: But they same shape what...I scared mahz...
YW: Buns are good! Should eat!!!! Baos then cannot..
M: Ya lor..buns are "mian bao"..so it's good!
YW: Yah!!! "Mian4 bao1" means "mian3 bao1"..so how can it be bad?
Me: Huh?!?!?! Really?!?!?! Wah liew...I was so hungry that day, but I avoided that bun at all costs leh...shit lor...I starved for no reason
M & YW: *laughs out loud*
M: Why u so funny one? Hahahaha...

Bet you they must have gone back to their own stations and continue laughing their ass off, and telling all the other people abt it...

2008-12-21T22:40:00.002+08:00

I have never hated my life as much as I do now.

I haven't got very much of a life to begin with, but now it's not even worth mentioning or even to think about.

I don't hate becoming a doctor. I only hate being one here.

Everyday, I'm rushing and panicking for reasons I don't even know. I can't even sleep in peace, fearing about what's going to happen over the next few days. Work is frustrating, with some fucked up people making it worse. Weekends are no longer weekends anymore to me. Pressure starts getting on you when u start worrying abt being unable to move on with the rest of the cohort. Going to work has never been such a huge nightmare, and what's worse, it's a never-ending one.

For this job, I have lost my social life, lost my personality/identity, and someday, I'm going to lose my relationship as well.

There's so much internal struggling within me, yet I have no idea where to let it out. I can't talk abt it to anyone and I haven't got a clue how many times my tears would just roll down my cheeks as I lay in bed at night.

I refuse to accept the thought that I am weak. I know I can deal with it if I'm given a space to let it out, but unfortunately, I haven't got what I want and need.

I'm feeling sorry abt numerous things, esp towards Dearie. He's right. My temper has worsened drastically since I've started work, and I am no longer happy. I know he wishes to help, but for some strange reason, I can't seem to connect my thoughts with anyone, even to him. And I end up losing my temper whilst trying to find a exit for my frustration. I don't mean it, but I can't help it.

I really wish to buy him a present for Xmas, but I haven't got the time to do so. I don't even have the time to think abt what to buy. In fact, my mind has been so occupied with endless stuffs that I've actually forgotten that my bday is just a few days away, until he reminded me.

I feel really terrible at the moment. If only there was a way to let it all out to let myself feel better...even if it's only for a short while...

Ill...

2008-12-11T17:37:00.002+08:00

Working at least 60 hrs a week has affected my health.

I'm upset abt feeling tired every morning despite having sufficient hrs of sleep. I gotta admit that part of it is psychological, and I have been trying to overcome this. But it seems like it's not just psychological. I have indeed fallen ill without realising it.

Been feeling hot and cold since last Friday, and I had a feeling I was running a temperature, but didn't bother to do anything abt it, since that was all that I've been feeling plus malaise. Am having a cough too, but coughing has always been a longstanding problem for me (I've got weak lungs...!!!!).

My lethargy got the better of me today, and I decided that I'm gonna die die get rest today. Had enough. Went to the doc, and indeed, I was running a temperature without even realising it (I'm sure I felt "warmer" over the last few days compared to when I was at the clinic). Not a very low one too.

Free consultation and medication from the GP I went to since I'm also a doc. :)

I felt really bad to ask for more days of MC even though the GP asked me if I was sure if one day is sufficient for me. She told me to go back n get more days if I am still feeling unwell. Honestly, apart frm lethargy n that fever, I don't feel that bad. Still, it's not a good idea to be in contact with patients when I'm ill myself.

Am wanting to resume work tmr, yet quite fatigued still. And by right, I should get more rest since I'm working 7 days again this week. Plus...I gotta admit that I'm not happy at work for many reasons.

I want my weekend!!!!

2008-11-24T17:59:00.002+08:00

Damn it, I'm working this weekend again. And I'm so NOT looking forward to it, because of all the other crap I've gotto do this week. Gotta cover for a colleague, so I'll be handling like dunno how many patients I have no clue about and make sure they don't die during his absence. Then my team colleague's going on leave for 2 weeks, so I'll have to deal with all the shit myself.

Plus the weekend post take...WTF...

Grrr...trying damn hard to stay positive actually.

Great thing I had a wonderful Saturday going on a date with Dearie. Our very long-awaited date. Spent the day strolling in Orchard, with some window shopping, and indulging at Seoul Garden. It's a shame that my appetite was bad & I was feeling a bit nauseous that evening. Perhaps I'm just fatigued.

To be honest, I'm really dreading Dearie's job. Hate his working hrs, and it does get on his and my nerves when the phone goes ringing at the wee hours of the night, asking him to get his ass out of bed to check the database system. Pffff....but at least he's got weekends (despite having to "work at home")

Haven't got my Dec schedule yet. But definitely hoping that it won't get too bad. Will be starting my on calls too (yikes!!!!). Sigh...

NO MORE SEPARATIONS!!!!

2008-10-18T02:25:00.002+08:00

When he came running into my room, jumping with joy and saying "I've got a job! I've got a job!", lazy me immediately sprang up from my bed. It was really warm and humid in my room yesterday even though my aircon was turned on, and I think I must have stank from all the sweat. But I was so happy about this brilliant news that I couldn't be bothered abt how stinky I was, and just went to hug Dearie...kekekeke.

The last 10 days was sheer hell for us. With a 30 day visa, he had to secure a job during this period, and we spent practically the entire day EVERYDAY applying jobs, and entertaining phone calls from various companies.

We've actually got so stressed up about the issue that we weren't even in the mood to hold hands or even hug! There were even nights I ended up in tears from all the wild imaginations I got myself into.

But I'm terribly pppllleeeeaaased and overjoyed that this has finally come to an end for the moment!

Dearie's found himself a good-paying job in a semi-government company, which means he'll be able to stay put in Sg with me and aim to apply to be a PR in the near future. Cross fingers that everything will go smooth for him.

Now that the job issue is settled, he's starting to look into the car and housing and of course, plans for our future.

I don't think anything shocking is going to happen soon, but at least we've made some progress after all the struggle. We won't have to be separated anymore :P

Primary School Gathering

2008-08-31T01:39:00.002+08:00

The evening last night was BRILLIANT! I enjoyed the outing and the company totally even though I was the only girl who turned up.

Despite being home at least twice a year, I haven't been out very much whenever I'm back for a holiday, hence I did feel very much like a tourist last night when I had no idea where certain places were.

It's been 14 years since I've seen my primary sch classmates, and I'm really pleased that we hit it off very quickly and very well the moment we saw one another.

Hours were spent talking about the good old days. Seems weird, but since primary school, the people I'm always with are guys. Somehow, girls don't seem to like me very much. I wonder why.

I haven't lost the great smack I used to give one of my classmates whenever he irritates the shit out of me. A huge smack landed on his shoulder when he arrived and welcomed me with 2 smacks on my shoulder...hahha.

Had a little walk along Robertson Quay and Clarke Quay with them. It was a humid evening with no breeze, so it wasn't the best. But I loved seeing the lights. I will bring Dearie there the next time. Reckon it'll be nice buying a few cans of soft drinks, and sitting in some corner to talk while admiring the lights. It has been a very long time since Dearie and I had our moments together.

Supper was at Simpang Bedok, and it was then we started talking abt joining some SDU events. I personally am quite tempted to join out of curiosity. Thought it'll be an eye-opening experience to see what things are really like. No, I'm not looking for a bf. I guess widening my social circle isn't a crime. But of course, I wouldn't be keen to join alone. Will definitely need to see if my friends r serious abt joining.

Didn't get home till 4.30am! Ridiculously late, and surprisingly, my parents didn't give me a talking to today. Hmm..makes me wonder if my parents aren't that bothered anymore because they realise that I'm a grown up now. But I guess Dearie isn't pleased abt it, even though he didn't mention anything.

Feeling really bored at the moment. Dearie's gone out with his friends, and said he'll ring me when he gets home. So here I am blogging while waiting for his call. I'm sure he'll want to spend more time with his gang since he'll be leaving home for good very soon.

****Dreamt of someone last night. It's quite a shock for me since we have lost touch for years. In the dream, he was with a girl. I wonder how is he now, and if he's finally attached. It'll be really good for him if he has found his better half. **********

2008-08-20T10:47:00.002+08:00

I dread spring cleaning, because no matter how hard I try and how many bags of rubbish I throw, the room still doesn't look neat enough for my liking.

But it is during spring cleaning that I get to dig out things which had sentimental values to me. Many, making me smile and laugh.

There were photos of my graduation from Secondary school, library cards with my kiddy photo on them, certificates of my non-academic achievements (piano, ballet etc), exam transcripts, etc.

Cards and letters also contributed significantly to the pile. It was fun looking through them. Those from Lemon made me laugh all the time. We were really fun of "shit" during our days in JC. She even wrote me letters in the wee hours of the night when the exam was during the break of dawn. And most of her other letters were all written during unearthly hrs or during random times (e.g. during lectures). The things we write in them were just hilarious.

It seemed that BGR was a huge part of my life during JC and in University, because a huge percentage of those cards and letters were from guys :X (and admirers they were). I knew BGR turned my life into a big mess during those years, but never did I realise how crazily messy it was until I started digging into the pile. What's worse is....I've even forgotten some of them until I read their letters...yikes.

It still felt sweet and touching as I read these, even though a relationship was never started with some. Reading the ones I was in a rship with brought back many memories. I kept the ones from the latter. But of course, I threw away this pile of letters/cards/presents from this f*cking asshole which I never want to see/hear for the rest of my life. Felt so pleased tearing up everything from him!!!! I hate him so much that I wish he gets thrown behind bars again. MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! :)

Am feeling pleased that at least the above has more or less stabilised since I've got together with Dearie and "steady" enough for my parents to feel comfortable about telling their relatives/friends abt my rship. Dearie will definitely get driven up the wall if my life was still in such a big mess. He already blew his top knowing how many past rships I had, needless to mention how he'll react if he knew abt the rest.

Lazy Bug

2008-08-17T12:00:00.002+08:00

U know what's the horrible thing abt being home?!

LAZINESS!!!!!!

Been home for more than a week, and I hardly did anything productive for myself. Here's some of the things I've been doing...

1. Sleep (and I sleep numerous times a day!!!!!! For hrs each time somemore...machiam hibernating)
2. Eat
3. Play brick game
4. Chat with Dearie on the phone/online
5. Source for jobs online for Dearie
6. Play with my puppy
7. Watching Olympics

Damn lazy lah. Dragging myself out of the house is hell of a chore. And worse of all, I seem to enjoy being in the house doing almost nothing!!! Did boring UK make me so? Hmm...

I realise that I'm feeling damn lazy having to dress up too. Everyday, I'll be slacking in my kiam chai tee and shorts. And I'll avoid going to town simply because I'm LAZY to wear something proper, and doll up. Trust me, this is like the complete extreme end of when I'm in Beijing. I would literally spend 45 mins dolling up just to go to Dearie's Dad's house.

Went to walk my puppy with Mum this morning, and manz...I feel like a maid. Not because I was asked to carry things, but because of how bad I look. Argh!

I shall try and stop being so slack, and start getting productive. My room is like pig's sty with boxes of stuffs waiting to be binned. Few more weeks before I jet off to BJ, and this time, I'll be taking Dearie back to Sg with me...so I better start clearing up my room to make some space for him.

Definitely need to start doing my revision too. Don't wanna screw up when I resume work :)

"You are still a nobody"

2008-08-14T14:41:00.002+08:00

Being a member of a very huge family, it is only natural to be put down by your relatives no matter how hard you try. My childhood would have been the perfect one, if I wasn't brought up in such an environment. And regardless of how resentful I am about this aspect of my fate, it is one I have to accept and cope with.

I've long got used to criticisms and not being thought much of. Although I'm carrying the surname, I'm not really regarded as being part of it. Like anyone else, I had my pride when I was still a young child and being ignored by my elders was nonetheless hurting.

Being given the slightest attention was as tough as striking the lottery, needless to say, being talked about in a positive way. If anything was mentioned, it would only be negative even if I were to ace all my papers and win numerous medals and trophies for sports. To keep it simple, nothing is ever good enough.

In my family, only fame, status and fortune matters. Only those with these get talked about. There wasn't any need for the others to exist.

It was the death anniversary of Great-granny today, and every year on this day, it was a must for the family to go to the "Forbidden City" to pay respects to the ancestors and to visit the living "Empress Dowagers". This year was no exception.

Each time I go there, there will always be a battle of words and mind. The attack can occur at any moment, so I'll have to be very alert at all times, and quick enough to rebuke before a second shot comes along. Sometimes, it makes me wonder if the "Empress Dowager" gains pleasure by holding such battles with me. She seemed to enjoy it.

But she never fails to say something to put me down before I leave. Perhaps it's her intention to prove her seniority and superiority. She definitely has her way of biting back before I take my leave, yet ultimately, I am in control of how I wish to look at it.

"You are still a nobody" was the 5 words she said to me before I went home. This will be something I swear I won't forget. No, I am not upset, neither am I hurt. What she said is true. I am still a nobody, but every "Somebody" was once a "Nobody". I might end up being still a nobody in the future. This, I do not know. Yet it is not for anyone to turn round and tell me that I will never be "Somebody". At least, not yet.

2008-08-13T05:40:00.002+08:00

每当哭着睡着的时候，我并不喜欢醒来，因为一旦睁开眼时，眼泪又会直流了。

和他分割两地已经够辛苦了，我也不愿意和他争吵，可是结果，我们还是吵了起来。每次和他吵架，我就会不断地问自己，“我是不是走错了？”。心里也自然而然会有“一个人”的感觉，开始害怕。一个人害怕的时候，又不知道要找谁，现在都已经变成家常便饭了。我讨厌这种感觉。

我常常在想，我是不是不够理解他；很多次，甚至还觉得都是因为和我在一起，才会让他变得如此不幸。或许，因为有这种想法，每当遇到一点不愉快，我就有想放弃的念头，老觉得如果他生命里没有了我，他人生的问题都会解决了，也会因此变得幸福。

他常说我没什么好烦的，因为这些问题都是他的。每次听到他这么说的时候，我的心就会很痛。问题怎么会是他一个人的呢？如果我一点都不在乎，我真得太自私了，还能称得上是他女朋友吗？看到他辛苦，我也不好受。看到他烦躁的时候，我感到无助。怎么能说我没什么好烦的呢？

他是个很少吃醋的人，和他交往了这么久，很少看到他因为吃醋而不开心。以前，我还在想是因为他不在乎，对自己太有信心，或因为他不想干涉我的自由？可是，后来才发现，其实他也有吃醋的时候，只是不愿意说出来。不久前，因为一位同事和他闹翻，虽然不愉快，可是想到他在乎我所以才吃那么大的醋，心里就会有点开心。老公，还是爱我的。

但可惜的是，他对我的了解并非我想象的。和一个人交往或分手，我都会先想清楚了，才做出决定，并不是一时冲动。我喜欢很清楚地知道我自己在做什么，也非常清楚我自己在做什么。我不会因为单单寂寞，就移情别恋。

可能他误会了，觉得我会因为寂寞，就会很容易喜欢上其他的男生。其实，如果有一天我们真的分手了，寂寞才移情别恋肯定不是原因。而是因为，我看不到未来。尽管这条路有多难走，只要我知道向前走就一定能看到一束光，我一定会走下去。但是，我什么都不知道。我就像在一个大森林里，不知道要走去哪里却不停地走，一点方向也没有。我知道我迷路了，可是又不知道怎么样才能找到自己所要的方向。他说过会把我从迷宫里带出来，可是那天会到来吗？我能理解在感情里，都会有很多未知数，可是我们之间的未知数，真的是太多太多了，让我们的感情变得很不健康。

他有一段时间没进网站了。不知道他会看到我写的这一切吗。对于昨晚的事，我真得非常失望，也更让我看不到未来。心真的很累，让我慢慢地失去对这段感情的信心。

这些，他知道吗？或许他真正了解时，真正知道自己要走哪条路，坚定做出自己的选择时，可能已经太迟了。

HOME

2008-08-10T08:01:00.002+08:00

Having being born and bred in Sg, I still, unfortunately, haven't got used to the hot & humid weather. Been splattering my face with water many times a day, yet it still feels "dirty". Despite my bedroom living up to its reputation of being the "North Pole" in the house and with the existence of a DEhumidifier, I find myself waking up in sweats, and feeling sticky.

My appetite has been great since arriving home. Everyday, I'm ticking things off my "Glorious Food/Drink List" which I've typed out nicely on my laptop. And everything tastes heavenly to me. I was literally saying "This is what I call food fit for human consumption" when the waitress laid the Yu Xiang Qie Zi which I ordered when my parents brought me to Crystal Jade Restaurant in Parkway.

It has been less of a torture maintaining my LDR with Dearie after getting home too. We're in the same time zone too, so communication is easier now. Bought some phone cards so that I can call him too. Not ridiculously cheap for the long term, but it's better than nothing.

And Dearie suddenly announced something which shocked me. He has more or less made up his mind to embark on his new life journey here in October. Now, it's only abt speaking abt it to his Dad. Yup, I don't wish to think about what's going to happen when he breaks it to his dad. Anyway, if all goes well, then Dearie will be accompanying me back to Sg in Oct (planning to go to BJ again in Sept). And my misery will come to an end once he manages to secure a job here.

It excites me, really. The plan is for him to live with me until he gets a job which pays reasonably for him to find his own accomodation. I'll then be able to see him everyday after I come home from work, enjoying the local delicacies with him (we always get very excited when we're dining together), taking slow walks with him like how we used to do in the UK and watch dramas together. I've also targetted on a project which I've told Dearie about. If he manages to come down, then we'll be able to view the showflat together, and seriously discuss if we're going to purchase it.

Ok, shall end it here now. Stomach's growling, and I'll need to find food soon...*excited*

A house of our own

2008-08-02T07:52:00.002+08:00

I've been thrifty (sometimes a scrooge) with reasons. I know it's still a long long way for me to get what I want, but it's alright, I will wait.

I showed Dearie the project I've been admiring. The exterior doesn't look brilliant, but it was the interior design and artist's impression of the project which attracted me. I wish to own a unit like this one day.

For those who doesn't know this, I have a strong liking for hotels. Unfortunately, I'm not rich enough to be staying in top hotels. But sometimes, I do book myself into one when I think I need a break.

I like the simplicity yet coziness of hotel rooms. I like how there are so few things existing in the room. The toilet is what I'm most fussy about, and call me silly, but I can spend ages in the toilet if I like the layout, design and cleanliness standard. It is also the place that determines how much a score I would give to a particular hotel.

Since young, I dream of owning a condo unit designed to the standards of at least a hotel room or serviced apartment.

As for the theme, I have a liking for different types...

My dream design since a very young age was that of Da Vinci's, which sadly, many people my age do not appreciate. Fortunately, Dearie is the rare few who loves it as much as I do. I love how solid and intricate every furniture piece is. I love the fabric, looking fit for the royals. But because every piece is so elaborate and huge, it will only look good being fitted into a big house. And owning a house like this will only be possible if only I marry someone filthy rich.

I also like modern designs with a touch of class and uniqueness. It doesn't have to high tech looking. It's quite hard to describe it though.

Another of my favourite is the country style wooden design. Nicely painted colour wood seems to melt me, with cute pictures of geese, chickens, etc.

Being Oriental, I do favour designs with a touch of orient. I'm not a fan of Chinese antiques, but I do see how one or 2 pieces can enhance beauty to the place.

However, there are a few things to the house which I'm extremely fussy about.

1. Toilet
It has to be designed to close to perfection. I hate toilets which aren't nicely designed. I don't spend most of the day in the toilet, but I do like taking my own sweet time, relaxing while answering nature's call. It is one of the few occasions where I'll have time to self-reflect quickly on various issues in my everyday life. And I don't wish to feel irritated whilst doing so. I need a nice environment.

2. Lighting
I dread houses which are darkly lited. I dislike white light too, which many argue that it's much brighter. But I like the warm feel of yellow lights. And my house in future definitely has to have many lights. I don't like sleeping in pitch dark environments too, which accounts to why my table side lamp is always on when I'm sleeping. Doesn't matter if it's not bright when I'm asleep, as long as it's not pitch black.

3. Bed
To me, this is the most important furniture in the entire house. It has a huge effect on how I feel and get on with my life after waking up. And I hate waking up feeling that my body is aching, an that I haven't had a good night's sleep. I don't have the luxury of sleeping 8 hours a day, but I believe in quality sleep more than quantity. My dream mattress is that of Marriott Hotel's. Till today, I cannot forget what a wonderful sleep I had when I booked into their hotel with Dearie. Dearie felt the same too. It's no wonder Marriott sells mattresses and bed accessories to interested people. And it's also no wonder why they rave so much about it. Ever since that stay, I have yet to find a hotel which provides a mattress that allows me to sleep so well, and wake up being free from aches and totally refreshed. I have very little sleep in Marriott the last time, mind u. Sheer quality!

4. Air con
I'm a polar bear. My room back home is the North Pole, with sky blue and white being its colour, and air con blasting at its max. I CANNOT stand hot weather, and I hate feeling sticky from humidity (I get very irritable). Hence, the dehumidifier in my room, even though it's huge and a real eye sore. But it's one of the things which has to exist. Baby Pan Pan (my pup) cannot stand the temperature in my room though, and I'll always have to let him wear doggy clothes before bringing him up. No surprise why he enjoys hiding behind the dehumidifier, where hot air is being blown out...haha.

Sigh, am dreaming of the day whereby Dearie and I can own a house. It'll be a dream come true, especially if I get what I want in the house. When will this be?

Surgical Gathering

2008-08-01T22:29:00.002+08:00

Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's the late hours, but I've been feeling very tired everyday. Waking up is still a torture, and the chicken essence of another brand doesn't seem to be as effective as Brand's.

Was planning to give the Surgical Gathering a miss, but Sam came knocking on my door, insisting that I go along and promising that we'll come back straight after dinner.

YA RIGHT. *rolls eyes*

Went to Angel Vaults for dinner with a big group of people - nurses, surgeons, housemen, secretaries. I was told it was a poshy restaurant which was very much raved about by other people, hence, I took the effort to at least put on a decent dress with simple make up, instead of going in with my crap hooded jacket, jeans and tracks.

The restaurant's nice, but I probably over-expected a little, so I wasn't extremely impressed. Western food obviously, but it was quite nice I must say. At least for the very rare few times, I find myself in a restaurant where the chef pays attention to the dishes he presents. Of course, this came with a price.

I was quite lucky in a way because I was seating with my fellow housemen, so there was a lot of crap going on on our table. I was the quieter one as usual, especially when I was happily devouring the food placed in front of me. I would have died of boredom during dinner if I were to seat with nurses.

To the pub was the plan after dinner. Typical.

It was intimidating when I step foot into the pub. The crowd there were mostly men in their 40s. They looked really scary to me since they were either terribly muscular or stout. They just reminded me of the guys in angmo porn. Gross.

I was thinking, while standing quietly in a corner, why would anyone choose to come to this pub, and just realised that the age of most of the nurses could be THE reason.

I hated every minute in that pub for other several reasons.

Firstly, I hate people getting drunk. And I hate it more when they come talking to me when they're drunk since they tend to come really close to me, making me feel very uncomfortable. I like keeping my distance frm drunkards. I hate the smell of alcohol on them even more.

Secondly, the music was tooooooo loud. The speakers weren't the best quality to bring out the bass too. There was karaoke session at the back of the pub too, and because the music plus mic volume was so extremely loud, it was torturing for my ears rather than pleasure.

Thirdly, these people cannot sing for nuts. I remember going to KTV in Sg with a friend I am not in touch with anymore, before. That KTV session was my worst experience during then, since he goes out of tune from the beginning to the end, and wouldn't give the mic up as well. I almost died during then. Yesterday was a similar experience, but much worse since the volume was so loud. U can tell how tortured I was every second there hearing people singing out of tune so loudly, which makes me wonder how they can even find it enjoyable. And can't someone tell whether him/herself is out of tune? Dread it when people just sing for the volume. Can't they be serious when singing?

Fourth, I hate watching angmos smooching different people, and having their arms all over the opposite sex.

Lastly, I dislike strangers whom I want to keep away from, pulling me to the dance floor to dance with them. I am weird, because I like dancing alone in my room. I don't enjoy dancing and showing off moves (I'm crap!) on crowded dance floors. The sight of those "dodgy looking men" there turns me off so much, that I can't wait to run far far away frm them, needless to say how petrified I am when they try to come over n drag me to the dance floor. It even got to a point whereby I was grabbing onto the table to stop being pulled away. And getting up from my seat and run to another place.

I know I am not being sporting, but I hate being who I'm not. I don't like pretending to be blend in with angmos, like what many Chinese girls like doing. I dread it even more trying to behave like a bitch like some SPGs. I don't fancy trying to act sexy in photos taken in pubs which u'll see lots of from "famous bloogers". I don't appreciate how it can make one look more special, or prove the point that one is having lots of fun.

I was supposed to go back with Sam, but she ended up chatting endlessly with a few colleagues, and it did got on my nerves waiting for 3 hrs. I really regretted not walking out halfway through to catch a cab back.

In summary, apart frm the food, everything else sucks. And I do regret turning up in some ways. Argh...

的确有点舍不得

2008-07-29T07:53:00.003+08:00

前两天，和同事在网上聊天的时候，他问我，“要回家了，你开心吗？会怀念这里吗？”

说实话，想到我终于能回家了，心里非常开心，可是却有点舍不得。虽然不喜欢英国，但怎么说，我也在这生活了很多年。回忆，无论是好或坏，都会有许多。

在英国的这几年，经历的不少，也可以说我是在这里成长的。从来没做过家务的我，一个人在这陌生的地方，学会了做家务，学会了做饭。虽然没变成什么大厨师，但至少，煮出来的东西还是能吃的。想当年在中学上烹饪课的时候，曾经烹饪考试不及格，有今天的成就已经算不错了。

整体来说，我这几年在国外并不快乐。上大学的前几年，遇到的问题特别多，我还曾经因为生活各方面的种种问题带来的压力，而承受不了，去过教授的办公室，告诉他我想放弃把大学念完。如果不是他很耐心的劝导我，我今天就不可能毕业，实现自己从小的梦想。

还记得，大学前几年的时候，每当我得从新加坡回返英国的时候，心里有种说不出的痛苦，一点都不快乐。在机场，我都会流着几滴眼泪，可是为了不让父母担心，什么话都不会说。但飞机起飞的时候，我都是静静地在飞机里哭，好几次，都哭到睡着了。回到和同学住的房子，也一点都不开心，因为许多原因，我不愿意看到以前曾经是我在英国最好的朋友，天天都独自在房里看书，不愿意出来。慢慢的，厨房我也不愿意去了，几乎天天都在房里吃一些乱七八糟的东西来当一餐，或独自出门吃。后来，连家都不想回，晚上的时候就会去大学的电脑室过夜，或到其他人的家过夜。这也难怪，不久后，身体承受不了，生了一场大病，休学了一段时间。

生大病的那期间，是我永生难忘的。长这么大，第一次把父母吓坏了。他们有好几次想从我口中知道我在英国面对的问题，可是我怎么样都不肯说。那几个月，我每天的感触都很多，大部分的时间都心情和脾气都不好，却说不出。我讨厌去复诊，更讨厌看到在我床边的药。每天也睡得不好，好几次还因为做了恶梦被吓醒了。可是若不吃药，病情就不会好，所以多讨厌，还是忍着，准时服药。

重返校园的时候，我打算从那人间地狱搬出来，自己住，给自己一个机会重新开始。班上的同学也都不一样了，因为本来和我同一届的同学都升上一年了，所以回到大学的时候，我又没什么朋友了。医院虽大，但碰到认识的人，机会还是很大。被医科学院以前认识的一个人看不起，说过那讽刺的话，我永远名在心。

虽然每天大部分的时间还是一个人过的，可是我觉得自己比以前开心多了。至少，每天还能回到自己舒服的小窝。

后来认识了老公，生活也变得不一样了。在英国很少说话的我，终于有个我愿意和他多说话的人。我喜欢每天看到他，喜欢和他一起出门走走，更喜欢在他房里和他说说话。每天见到他，也就慢慢成为生活里的一部分。我们的感情有许多起起落落，可是甜蜜的时候还是存在的，现在想起来，还真怀念，恨不得能再回到那时候，再感受一下。怀念我们一边吃雪糕，一边在戏院里看电影。怀念我们一起去看歌舞剧。怀念我们在公园里有说有笑。怀念他第一次为我下厨。怀念闷的时候，就到他房间撒娇，自己在一边自言自语，一边欣赏他忙碌的样子。怀念我们一起去买戒指的时候。怀念我们一起做的团圆饭等。想起来，我们交往的回忆真的很多，还真可以写成一本书了。。哈哈。。

住在一起，像对小夫妻的我们，后来也就顺利地从大学毕业了。他回中国上班。我也就自己一个人继续在英国当我的实习医生。在医院的这一年，虽然有许多不满的地方，可是整体来说，我还是开心的。至少，我有一群和我相处得不错的朋友，保护我的学长们，像妈妈般的护士长关心我，和惹我生气，又逗我笑的病人。若不是有他们，这年一定过得更漫长。

就因为这样，我心里就的却有点舍不得。毕竟，英国是我认识老公的地方，是我成长的地方，也是我和同事们同甘共苦的地方。在这，我从一个什么都不会做的少年，变成了一个拥有生活责任的成年上班族。有感情，也是必然的。

不知道回国会怎么样。有点兴奋，也有点担心，紧张。感觉就好像一个小孩第一天上幼稚园一样。很奇怪吧？

回国之后，仿佛是我开始生活的另一个阶段。英国，将变成过去的事。我再也不能称自己是个不懂事的学生了。是时侯背起人生更大的责任，为了我，和想和老公拥有的未来奋斗了。

对不起

2008-07-27T22:26:00.003+08:00

老公：

对不起。今天让你伤心了。这件事，是我不好。我以为你不会上我的网站，所以想写什么，想放什么，都不需约束自己。没想到，因为我的小小的自由，而结果伤害到你。

和你交往的这几年，每当我开心，或不开心的时候，都没法坐下来和你好好说，所以这日记就变成我生活里蛮重要的一部分。在这里，我可以把心里想说的话都说出来。在这里，我可以真正做回我自己。这里是我唯一的小小空间，也是我收藏回忆的地方。

还记得和你刚交往的时候，我曾经把这网站的地址告诉你。我不快乐的时候，除了脸上带不出笑容，我就不善于表达我内心到底在想什么。写日记的时候，我能冷静的处理自己的感想，好好地把一切打出来。写日记的时候，我可以完完全全的松开自己，想大哭就大哭，想笑就笑。因为成为了你的女朋友，因为喜欢你，所以才会想把我没法告诉你我生活的点点滴滴告诉你。我想对你坦白，不愿意隐瞒什么。我想把我最真诚的一面送给你。

但是，当时你似乎不明白我为什么这么做，所以就不怎么在乎。你也觉得这是我个人的隐私，你不应该干涉。也难怪这几年，你很少进来。可是其实，我并不介意和你分享我的一切。两个人交往，难道不是这样吗？

过了这么久，你忽然进了网站，让我惊讶了一下，因为刚开始你的不在乎，让我以为你不是很关心我生活的小细节。后来，你说因为我最近不快乐，你想了解是什么原因，所以就进入网站看看。我听到时候，真的非常开心，也很感动。我觉得，我老公最终还是在乎我，还是疼我的。

可是没想到，一张照片却带给你这么多困扰。那张照片的确能让你产生误会，所以我郑重向你抱歉。

像你说说的，为什么他会这么对我，却不这么对其他女生，我并不知道，也不想知道。你说的也很对，我在英国的时间不长了，人家是不可能打包陪我回新加坡生活。你说这句话的时候，原因也应该只有几个。第一应该是提醒我人家是白皮人，不可能对我认真。这一点，我心里非常明白。虽然对他的印象很好，我始终没有忘记我自己是什么身份，自己没条件的事实，也更没有忘记他是白皮人。第二个原因，应该是怀疑我的行为举止是否妥不妥当。

我一向来的男性朋友比较多，但是和你交往之后，我已经和很多男生没来往了。我也知道你不喜欢我和以前的男朋友来往。在英国这么多年，我的朋友并不多，之从和你交往后，我就更没和什么人接触了。唯一有联系的男生也就只是那几个，而且还和我比较多联系的，也都已经有女朋友，或结婚了。

在英国的这么多年，我大部分的时间也是自己独自过的。你知道我不善于和白皮人接触，不喜欢他们的生活习惯，也更接受不了他们的性行为。和你交往的这段时间，我日日夜夜都在你身边，从来也不和他们出去胡搞。你认识我这么久，难道我对你怎么样，你还不清楚吗？我是怎么样的一个人，你不知道吗？

我不知道你现在对我看法怎么样。但是我很清楚知道我心里爱的是谁，牵着的是谁的手。

我从来没忘记。

2008-07-27T08:03:00.002+08:00

Dearie: I know u're lost, and I'll try my best to bring you out of it.

Thank you darling. I'll try to find back my direction too.

I love you.

Why?

2008-07-26T20:23:00.003+08:00

Marriage is a topic I am very concerned about, but when this is mentioned, the excitement I used to have no longer exists. Instead, fear has set in, and although I would love to discuss this with Dearie, I also find myself avoiding it.

With so much going on between us, especially over the last year, somehow my mind has involuntarily formed a barrier, telling me that it's not going to happen, even though Dearie had told me firmly that it will happen.

Last year, when he suddenly mentioned getting us registered, I was overjoyed.

This year, when he mentioned us getting registered in BJ when I go over in September, I pulled away.

It's not that I am not willing to get married. I want to marry him, but I can't help but query it.

Perhaps I have been feeling embarrassed enough for telling Dearie many times that I want to get married, and having him say "It's not time" everytime. I'm afterall a girl, and I have always felt that it should be the guy who should say such things. But instead, I'm the one talking abt it, making it look like I am desperate to get married by him. I guess after a few times of being put off, u lose the will to bring it up again. And the mind sets up its self defence involuntarily, telling me it's all going to be a dream that won't come true, in order to prevent me from feeling more hurt abt it.

Perhaps I......have lost trust.

Dearie was telling me yesterday that he is still clear abt what he wants for our rship, and he's actually working towards it by working hard in BJ so that he can unite with me soon. It was that moment that I realised that I have lost my direction, and despite walking down the same path hand in hand with him, our minds weren't one.

I no longer know the original and ultimate reason for being in the rship. To me, we're still together purely because I love him, but this rship is living on a daily basis, with thought of a future ceasing to exist. I feel that I am walking down a path blindly, without a sense of direction, and not knowing where I want to go, what I am expecting to see at the end of it. Suddenly, there is so much which I don't know, yet when he's telling me, I involuntarily want to run away.

Why am I starting to have this unexplained fear which never existed, and shouldn't even exist when marriage is concerned? Why do I start asking myself questions when he mentions abt getting registered, put a question mark to whatever he says?

Why is this happening..?

The Presenting Complaint

2008-07-23T04:27:00.003+08:00

Ok, people.

I have set up a new blog to purely document my life as a doctor. Thought it'll be interesting for those who r curious, or obsessed with Medicine and hospitals.

Do give your support. Feel free to link the site to your webby, and share it with your friends. Reckon the more readers, the merrier, so that the blog can be more interactive with comments.

http://thepresentingcomplaint.blogspot.com

Cheers!

2008-07-21T05:02:00.002+08:00

"I had a dream that u were going to call me and just when I opened my eyes, u called!" Dearie told me when I rang me last night. Sounds so much like a lie, but he insisted that it's true...haha.

He's very very much cheerful now after we've made up. He's sending me smses more frequently now as Dearie said he felt that he hasn't been giving me the care and attention I deserve. It puts a smile on my face when I wake up to see a message left on my phone, and another when I return from work.

Was discussing with him abt plans to celebrate our 3rd anniversary together when I go to BJ hopefully soon. I was surprised when Dearie said he wishes to take me to a musical if there's one happening. It has been years since we last went to a musical together. To me, that was the PERFECT date, and I was glad he was the first person to make it come true during then. I totally enjoyed myself that evening, and I know he loved it too. Definitely hoping to relive it again. But unfortunately, there's no musical scheduled during that period I'm planning to be in BJ. Dearie also suggested going to some hot spring/spa he heard about from a friend. I've always been dying to go to one with Dearie, but these places are extremely expensive for us...hence, this plan has been put off several times.

Me: What r u planning to get me for a present?
Dearie: Hmm..I'm planning to get u something big.
Me: Big as in size or what?
Dearie: Thought of buying u a LV bag
Me: Wow! That's costly...u're not earning that much. So it's ok. Besides, I don't like LV bags.
Dearie: A Gucci one then. U said before u liked some of them and I think it's nice.
Me: Hmmm...yeah..I like bags from Gucci, but they're not cheap either.

Honestly, I'm not expecting to receive some expensive gift. I'm really quite happy to have a simple present..doesn't have to be costly. Quality time with him, and enjoying ourselves is better.

It was quite cute listening to Dearie coming up with ideas. It's rather unlike the usual him who isn't romantic. But he started getting more and more excited talking abt all his romantic ideas, like having some drinks, playing music and dancing in our little abode (his apartment..). It did make me excited as well. It'll be really nice to spend quiet evenings with him this way. Doesn't have to be crazy dancing, but just hugging him close and moving slowly is enough. We did dance once in my room when we were in Uni, and I loved it. Anyway, listening to him go on n on about it just made me smile and laugh.

I also smiled this morning before going to work because Dearie had told me that whilst he was out with his family at the market, his stepdad mentioned that he'll make me "Hong Shao Rou" when I go there the next time. His family knows that I'm addicted to it, and everytime this dish is present, I'll be feasting on it so happily that I don't have time to talk during dinner. Dearie said his family and relatives are excited that I'll be there again soon. I miss them too. Can't wait to see them!

Dearie also told me that he might be able to go to Sg in Oct if he doesn't have to work during the public holiday. It'll be brilliant news for me if so. Hopefully it'll be during the time of Yongkang's wedding. Really wanna show him how wedding dinners are like in Sg. And not forgetting, feasting myself mad with him. Dearie loves hawker food and crabs in Singapore.

Another good news is Dearie has got job offers from other IT giants. Even though he's working for a big corporation at the moment, the pay is too low for his liking, and the job isn't exactly what he wanted. But his bosses are treating him well. I guess that's why he is still thinking of whether he should stay on. Apparently, he's got a very very attractive offer from a company offering him a job he likes, and the pay is almost twice of his current salary. The employees are supposed to dress properly for work (Dearie likes that!) too. I don't really mind what final decision he makes. He should know which is best for me, and I'll support his decision.

Was surfing the web today, and a housing project in Singapore caught my eye. Shall get my parents to view the showroom, and check out prices for me. Reckon it's gonna be very costly though.

Hospital Ball

2008-07-20T04:55:00.016+08:00

I wouldn't reject going to a ball/formal dinner back home. In fact, I love going for such events because it's one of the rare chances I get to wear a nice dress and dress up properly. But I must say that angmo balls are not really my type. I turned up purely because of social obligations, yet I must say I've quite enjoyed myself at the end of it.

Shall let the pics do some of the talking..

My dress for the night...(my one & only formal dress in the UK borrowed from Mum..pardon my messy bed)

All set for the evening...
Everything started off looking really sophisticated since everyone was beautifully dressed up (females in lovely dresses and guys looking smart in their 'black tie' attire) and holding wine glasses (I was with my tiny cup of orange juice...heez). Felt as if overnight, everyone was completely different from how they look normally at work in the hospital.

Was feeling really bored initially, and only started perking up as the jokers of my table (my colleagues) started talking crap, playing nonsensical games, and of course, when food came. Food wasn't too bad, and I absolutely love the profiteroles served at the end...slurp!

More drinks after, and random photo taking sessions. The band started playing as well, and when everyone started getting high, they started hitting the dance floor and groove the night away. Yup, lots got drunk, and as usual, some messing around *winks*.

I'm crap with alcohol, and after lots of persuasion plus not wanting to be a spoil sport, I did down vodka in the end. I've got a really poor tolerance level, and didn't realise I had down almost the whole bottle (my colleagues were pouring tiny bits each time, and I just drank them down without realising how much I actually took in). No surprise to why I started feeling hot, having palpitations, felt high, went dancing when Owain dragged me there, and not being "myself". But at least I was sane enough to not do silly things.

Ok..photos..(rather poor quality due to lighting)

Haliza, Me, Heather & Samya

Me, Samya & Owain

Beth, Heather, Me, Mel

Jonah trying so very hard to look natural in a photo, and he nv fails to fail badly in doing so in every photo (he finds it difficult to smile naturally apparently...hahhaha).

Mel, the friendly alcoholic addict cum drunkard, getting high and posing with some silly star on her nose..hahahaha...

Mel & Me..

Beth (The baker amongst us Junior Docs cos she's always baking cakes and cookies...and they're really delicious!) and Me (yeah..I'm looking flushed after the vodka)..

Samya looking gorgeous in her green outfit (love her dress to the core!!!!). She's the one I talk to most here. She's also known as the "Dancing Queen of the Hospital" when u send her high on alcohol and start the music. You bet she was the main highlight of the dance floor. Haha!

Haliza and Me...

Heather (her curls are natural and they're soft like baby hair!) and Me...

Owain (trying to look different coming in with a tie rather than a bow. I still prefer him shaven..but still as good looking as ever) and Me...

Thanks to him for driving me home, or else I'll really KO during today's on call. Wasn't quite myself when I got back, and I guess I must have been talking random rubbish to Dearie over the phone when I rang him up. Dearie could tell I was slightly high, and told me to not make this a habit, since he doesn't like me feeling this way after alcohol especially if he's not around. Expected. Oh well, but at least I know he wasn't angry.

We've made up last night. Don't even know how we did it. But oh well.

2008-07-18T07:07:00.002+08:00

This seems weird, since now I still term CG as "Dearie" in my posts. I've grown so used to it, that calling him by name now doesn't feel right.

Perhaps it's a coincidence, but many of my colleagues have been asking me about him recently. Not being on such close terms with them whereby I will reveal too much abt my private life, I wasn't prepared to answer further questions, hence I still term him as my bf and will say everything is fine with a smile, hoping that the topic will end there.

Dearie (I feel more used to it typing this too) sent me an email today. It wasn't an email for me, but one for my dad. Dad wasn't well recently, and being a major workaholic, he must have really been feeling unwell to take a few days off from work. He was investigated for this, and recently had a procedure done to treat it. When I told Dearie about this about 2 weeks back, Dearie was worried and have been trying to send an email to my dad. However, he wasn't too comfortable with sending an email with grammar errors, so decided to get me to translate the email instead.

I felt touched when I read the email. I really appreciate the fact that he is showing care and concern to my dad, despite our current situation.

I haven't spoken to Dearie for many days, but we're still in touch via smses. As usual, his smes would always start off with the word "Darling". It doesn't seem appropriate to start off my smses with my usual "Darling" too, and I know it would hurt him if I call him CG too, so I've been avoiding both terms completely.

Perhaps he has sensed that I'm maintaining a distance, hence he has held back his persistence by not waiting for me to finish work, and asking me to stay up to call him. I'm sure some will say perhaps he might think it's better for him too since he won't have to sleep later and struggle with talking to me on his way to work in the morning. Maybe it's true. I have thought abt all that, but forget it, I don't wish to dig into this.

Dearie sent me a sms last night telling me that he's been very busy at work, and is looking forward to Friday, because he'll be able to talk to me. Unfortunately, I'll be attending the hospital ball tmr evening, and I'm sure it will be really late by the time I return home. Plus, I'm on call this weekend.

Told him all that, and apparently, he seems very insistent on talking and webcamming, saying that no matter what, he will either stay up or wake up very early. He also said it's alright even if I have nothing to say, since all he wants is to see me.

Honestly, I don't know if he will keep his word. Yes, it's the weekend again, and I can sort of anticipate what might happen.

These nights, I have been wanting to pick up my phone and ring him, but at the same time, I don't know what to say to him. Hence, I end up leaving my phone alone, get some sleep, and giving my mind some rest.

Shall go to bed now. Been having this headache which comes on every night suddenly, and it's difficult to describe it. And when it comes on, my neck feels stiff when it's not and I just feel very very uncomfortable from my neck upwards, especially in the temporals. I wonder what's wrong, and I don't want to keep relying on paracetamol every night for this.

2008-07-17T05:40:00.003+08:00

Wear a smile. Greet others properly when u're supposed to.

Do the above from the bottom of your heart to those who deserves respect and treats you with respect. Do it for polite's sake otherwise, but make it sound deceivingly sincere.

A wise man once said that a person's eyes is the window to one's soul. I want to believe that closing and opening this window is within a person's control. Open it to those u trust, and close it otherwise.

Forget unhappy issues which are trivial. Bear no grudges about others taking advantages of u occasionally. Accept that there is no place on earth which is perfect. Accept the fact that everyone is different; if kind soul exists, so do bastards.

Forgive those who creates little unhappiness in your life. Forget about them.

Remember those who made your life miserable, but close the window to your soul, and continue to receive them with a smile, greeting them and acknowledging their presence.

Patience is the key, for the time will come.

The time where u'll make them pay back not just a hundred times, but a thousand times for what they did.

And I swear I will.

[Owain calls me the fierce and scary doc u dun wanna trifle with. Hmm...am I *lol*]

Time out

2008-07-15T06:18:00.002+08:00

There's an urge to blog, but my mind's too exhausted to organise thoughts.

Yesterday, I have told CG my decision to take a break from our rship. I have tried my very best to push on, but it has now gotten to a point whereby I need to take a step back, and be "away" for a while.

There's too much between us which needs to be solved, but I'm too exhausted to solve them. At least not now.

I still love him, and it hurts me knowing that he's extremely depressed over the decision I made. I can feel his pain from the messages he has sent me.

Honestly, I would love to be his gf again. I miss him very very much, and if only it is ever possible, I do wish that he's next to me now. I miss touching his face, studying his features when he's asleep, holding his hands, feeling the warmth of his lips, his hugs and the unique smell on him which never fails to make me feel comfortable and secure.

I don't think I have made up my mind to leave him permanently as yet, unless it is fated that something happens in between.

All I know for now is that I need to get away from it all. Not to solve problems, but time to free myself.....

2008-07-12T01:45:00.002+08:00

"I haven't spoken to u for one day, and somehow it feels as if I haven't spoken to u for a very long time" Dearie said when I rang him up during his morning. And only 5 mins into our chat, there's a loss of reception in the subway (he decided to save petrol money and save himself hell from finding a parking space at work) and that was the end of our chat.

He's been busy with his family affairs again, which I don't blame and have no right to say anything about. No prizes for guessing who suffers as a result. I'm not being unfilial here, but I do hate it whenever some 'major event' of any sort goes on in his family, because I end up being the one "suffering in silence" (and I wonder if he knows/feels anything for me regarding this).

With my bluntness, I'm sure Dearie didn't like it when I told him that I don't understand how PRCs can make simple things turn into something so complicated/troublesome. And I'm not exaggerating abt this, because Dearie agreed with this point I made, as long as I didn't bring his family affairs into this to quote an example.

Maybe it's just us having a different culture, with a different mentality. I have to admit his family is a lot a lot more traditional than mine, making me wonder if I can tolerate this in the long term since I've got a rebellious trait despite being traditional in some ways. Sadly, there were a few times I almost lost it in the car when I was with Dearie in BJ, because I dread the fact that I have to comply to whatever the elders say. Many times, we had to put off our "dating plans" because his elders insist we do what they have planned. Dearie, despite feeling pissed, will always obey. And there were even times we were so desperate to be alone to have our own time that we had to lie. Yes, that's how bad it is.

Anyway, Dearie and I nearly got into a row the day before yesterday because of something I commented.

As I have mentioned before, his dad had to be admitted into hospital for an elective operation. Dearie told me that on the day of admission, the whole situation was tensed up because numerous people turned up at the hospital to wait for his dad to arrive. These people not only included Dearie's close relatives, but also his dad's colleagues, business associates and friends. So u can just about imagine the scene with numerous cars and crowds waiting for his arrival. Dearie said it was quite a scene when other people in the hospital kept looking at their gang, wondering which VIP is to be admitted. All that was lacking was paparazzi and cameras.

Then when his dad got wheeled into the operating theatre, Dearie had to help entertain the visitors, hence, when I called him, he couldn't even spare me more than 5 mins of his time.

After the operation, Dearie had to spend the entire day and night in the hospital suite. He was very sleepy, but didn't sleep a wink since he was worried that something might happen if he shuts his eyes for a moment.

Then at dawn, his uncle took over the "day shift", before he returned for the "night shift" again. But because his dad didn't see why he had to stay, made him go home after a while.

I think Dearie deserves credit for being utterly filial, but sometimes, I personally feel that it has gone overboard. Fair enough if it was some major operation, but it was only a keyhole surgery. I can fully understand that he's worried, but I just thought that having to stay guard the entire night (and more nights if the hospital stay was made longer) was rather absurd.

Briefly told Dearie that it's pointless of him being awake every second and monitoring the numbers on the observation monitor since he won't have a clue of what is normal or not. Besides, if things go wrong, the monitor will bleep, and the nurses will have to go in and assess the problem. If needed, they will then call the doctor. Also, even if there is a major problem, having Dearie around to create tension is nothing lesser than being a hindrance to the staff who are sorting the problem out. Perhaps I'm talking from my own point of view as a clinician, since I have had experience of relatives being around when emergency happens, and seriously, it is a huge pain when u're desperately needing the space to think and the ability to concentrate, and having this worried relative (which I don't blame) trying to bombard u with questions (many times I choose to ignore/turn a deaf ear to, and only talking to them after I am done). Now u know why doctors and nurses shut the curtains in front of the relatives' face while they handle the situation behind, or send relatives out to the Relatives room. It does seem rude, but there's a reason behind this.

Apparently, Dearie didn't like hearing what I said, and just cut it off by saying I don't understand, and it is a must to stay awake without any leeway for compromising. Very very filial, but imo, I think there is a difference between being filial and exaggeration.

Knowing that he wasn't pleased with me, I decided not to say anything more.

Fortunately, his dad was fit for discharge the next day (or else I don't know how many nights Dearie will end up NOT sleeping). I was happy about his dad's recovery when I heard the news, and also pleased that finally an end could be put to this. But guess what? The "crowd" turned up again once they heard the news, and Dearie ended up having to join them for a big dinner. By the time he got home, he was exhausted, and a "Good night" sms was what I got.

Was chatting with Kor a few nights back, and was doing some self-reflection. Felt guilty abt the fact that I am trying to make Dearie the type of guy I want, rather than seeing him as who he really is. Felt guilty that I am most likely hurting him without realising.

He has been a sweet bf, and I know that he loves me dearly. But no matter how understanding I am trying to be, sometimes I don't deny that being in a rship with him sucks, especially at times like this.

I hate the feeling of wearing our ring, facing our photos everyday, telling everyone that I'm in a rship, when I'm practically spending 90% of my time alone, and being made the "sacrificial" item. I know it's probably only temporary and maybe I'm just not being understanding enough for his standard, but still...

I absolutely HATE it.

Policy! Policy! Policy!

2008-07-10T05:33:00.002+08:00

To whoever that came up with these "laws", policies and rules, I only have ONE word to describe him/her - DENSE!

Few more weeks to the end of working in the UK, and I cannot express how f*cking PLEEEEAAASSSSEEEEDDDD I am. I will miss some nurses and my fellow doctor colleagues, but I will definitely not miss the crap in the hospital here. I had enough of their insane laws and policies, of which makes absolutely NO sense, and I know I must rant umpteen times abt these in the blog before.

1. Venflons
Please DO NOT go around telling people that u're a nurse if u can't even do a venflon. Honestly, I wouldn't even dare tell anyone I'm a nurse to save myself embarassment if someone asks me if I can site a venflon. And these nurses are telling me that it's illegal in the UK for them to do it without a certificate (note: u NEED a CERTIFICATE to site a venflon) and they need to go for a day course to be trained. A DAY, mind u. Imagine spending 9am-5pm learning how to site a venflon and take blood. 8 hours to be taught how to do it....gosh..this course is either OVER INTENSIVE (I'm being sarcastic here), or the students are completely thick. In medical school, I spent 2 hours learning how to site venflons, take blood, put catheters, suturing, etc etc. And I had was someone showing me ONCE only.

Got bleeped non stop during my on call to do venflons when my priority is to clerk patients. And these nurses love bleeping at 5.05pm to get me to do them. Clearly, the venflon wouldn't have gone off exactly at 5pm sharp, and it was obvious that it was dragged till past 5 for whatever reason. Had enough of this crap, and pardon me, I did became rather attitude today after tolerating such rubbish for months, telling them straight off that I am busy, and it's too bad that I'm not available to do it NOW on the spot.

Patients won't die without one dose of antibiotics, and they will not die without having fluids into the body for a while. If these nurses cannot wait, then sorry, they can do it themselves.

Shall not blame nurses totally regarding this. Have to admit that some docs in the hospital are freaking lazy, and if they know the patient is difficult to cannulate, they just pretend to drag it and shoo off the minute the clock ticks 5pm.

2. Phlebotomy
If an entire ward is being "closed" to visitors because of too many infections in that particular ward, the phlebotomists are not allowed to bleed patients there. Hence, the doctor of that ward will have to bleed all the patients himself/herself. Reason given is that it's hospital policy because phlebotomists go around the hospital bleeding patients, and this can cause cross infection. This policy pissed me off terribly a few times, and I got so fed up, I went to tell the "policy department" that maybe they should bar me from going to other wards too since I'm seeing patients in this ward, bleeding them, and I'm also liable to spread it to other people in the hospital since I'm also going to other wards to see patients. And the typical answer u get frm these angmos: "HOSPITAL POLICY".

3. Vital Observations (e.g. Blood pressure, pulse, temperature etc)
Doctors do their ward rounds at 9am and in this hospital, and it's at this time, u'll see nurses giving patients a wash. And observations are supposed to be done only at 10am. So everytime I'm in the wards doing my ward round at 9am, I'll have patients missing frm the bed (cos they're in the toilet bathing) or my patients will be busy being washed at the bedside by nurses. And for those present, I can't even assess how stable they are without any of those observations being done.

Makes me wonder if there's any sense in having me in the ward at 9am. I might as well sleep for 2 more hours, and then start work at 11am when all my patients have been washed, and obs have been done.

Wonder who started this policy now.

4. Nurses taking referrals for hospital admission
May I ask, how much medical education does a nurse (even senior) compared to a Registrar (2nd to a Consultant)? And it's these nurses who are admitting patients from GPs who ring up and asking for patients to be admitted. These nurses are not trained to dig further into histories and assess if these patients are highly in need of an admission. All the GPs have to do is tell them a brief story (bet u the nurses won't even know if the story makes sense and have no clue what is wrong) and if a bed is available, the patient is sent in for us doctors to see. This becomes a nightmare for us docs because many of these patients who end up coming in, makes the hospital a hotel, and aren't prepared to go home anymore. And they end up lodging for months, bringing in all the photo frames from their house and making friends with the entire ward.

Where does this insane rule of nurses accepting referrals come from? Obvious isn't it?

5. Reviewing patients
I cannot tell u how many times I've been bleeped to go to wards to see patients who are so claimed by nurses that they are really not well, in pain, in this, in that. Go on and let your imaginations run wild.

Then off I rush to the wards, believing their story, only to find the patient comfortably sitting up, talking with his fellow room mates, and happily enjoying their food.

Hmmm....VERY UNWELL indeed.

Believe me, 50% of this "patient is in pain" calls I get are lies, because when I see the patient, he/she will tell me that there was no pain at all.

Once bitten, twice shy. And I've seriously allowed myself to be bitten uncountable times. But I've learnt the trick now. I tend to ask the nurses numerous questions, and if I think the observations are stable, I will take my own sweet time if I'm busy. If it's desperately urgent, they will bleep me very very soon. But if the ward only starts bleeping me again like after 2 hours, clearly, it's not urgent like they so claimed.

Tell me, nurses are the ones whom doctors should trust in assessing these basic things. But with them lying, please don't blame docs for being nasty, and u resulting in the "all docs are bastards" syndrome. Blame your wonderful nursing colleagues instead.

Today, I got bleeped every 1.5 hours to review a patient in a ward with some other stupid jobs. URGENT they said. And since I was extremely busy, told them there's no guarantee that I'll be able to get there in the next hour. Obviously, those nurses weren't satisfied with my answer, told me to hold on while they liaise together to make it sound more drama. Ended up using 5 mins arguing with them. And my Registrar, who got so irritated with them when I told him what happened, went up to that ward to ask them what the problem is all about. Guess what? When they saw the Registrar appearing in the ward, they went "It's ok..it's not urgent...". And they think the Registrar will nicely let them off by saying nothing. Good thing he went "So if it's not urgent, why did u people keep bleeping my house officer?!"

He went to review that patient nonetheless, and true enough, this patient had NO PAIN at all. Urgent...MY FOOT! I knew it was gonna be one of those stupid tricks of theirs since the bleep didn't go off every 15 mins.

6. MEWS
This is a scoring system for the observations, and if the score goes above a certain number, it means the patient needs medical attention. I shall not totally throw the MEWS out of the window and say it's completely crap, because if the score is high, clearly there is something wrong. It only gives medical professionals an idea of how well/unwell a person is, but not the full picture. But because it's THE POLICY that if the MEWS go above a certain score, then doctors have to be bleeped. Fair enough, but it does piss ur ass off when u rush down to the ward to find that this patient is comfortably sitting ard (walking even!), talking and eating, and realising that the same score has been there for like a week. I appreciate the fact if I get bleeped regarding high scores, and be told by the nurse (my ward sister does this..and I love her to bits) that the patient is very stable, has been high on the scores for days, and she'll bleep me again if there's any major changes.

7. Massive attack
Whenever u step into a ward during on call because u're bleeped to do ONE job, u will never find one job waiting for u like u thought. And sometimes, it makes me wonder if there's a collaboration between the nurses in the ward, because when one nurse knows u're there, ALL the nurses will know. They will then make sure u do all their jobs before they'll let u off the ward. Imagine that happening in every ward.

2008-07-08T05:45:00.002+08:00

Maybe it's a coincidence. Maybe it's a signal from above that I have to remain by his side.

Dearie told me that his dad is in hospital and will be having a cholecystectomy this morning. His dad has had a bout of cholecystitis as a result from gallstones, and I'm pleased that he has agreed to heed the doctor's and my advice to go ahead with the operation.

Dearie's worried even though it isn't a very major operation. And I cannot bear to shunt myself away from him during this period. It just isn't right.

I hope the surgery will go smoothly. Dearie will be spending the entire night in the hospital with his Dad tomorrow. Shall be there for him whenever he needs me.

Still loving him

2008-07-06T05:48:00.003+08:00

Putting someone's emotions through a test is the best way to tell how much a particular person means to him/her.

Yesterday, Dearie sent a message meant for his friend to me accidentally. It was a message asking his friend to decide on a venue for dinner. Although I couldn't tell if the name was a female or male, I didn't bother asking and assumed that it must be a guy, since Dearie doesn't like talking to girls and hates it when they pester him.

Today, he sent another message meant for a friend to me again. And after reading the message, I knew it was a female pal of his. It was one of those messages which could either look like one to console a person or one to reject. Feelings naturally started stirring within me, and my tears just started rolling the moment I heard his voice over the phone. He hadn't realised that I have received the message instead, and hence, guessed that I must be having some unhealthy thoughts when he heard me sniffing.

I felt better when he explained what had happened, even though I had no idea why girls tend to like looking for him when they're having problems with their rships or feeling lonely.

This reminded me of the incident of me reading a message left by a female friend of his once by coincidence, which got Dearie got all panicky when I just walked out of the room without a word.

Anyway, how I felt instantly today just assured me that my feelings for Dearie are still going strong despite all the ups n downs.

Breaking bad news

2008-07-04T07:12:00.002+08:00

A new patient got transferred to my ward, and the first thing the nurses told me was, "Dr, this patient needs a syringe driver please. He's dying."

A syringe driver is a device which allows medications to be given continuously, and the dose can be adjusted to meet the individual's needs.

When I went to see the state of this patient during the ward round, I knew this chap wouldn't last long. I have had quite a few of patients who passed away, and somehow, over the months, I am able to identify who are the ones who will go off fairly quickly from their look and breathing sounds, and I can just about tell if it's within the next day or 2.

Obviously, having been only given this patient, I didn't manage to form a bond of any sort with him and his family.

Bad news had to be broken to his family today, and I tagged along to the office to observe how my Consultant breaks bad news. I must say his skill at doing so is the best I have ever seen. Most I've seen just want to break it asap and get out of the situation within the shortest possible time. But my Consultant took time to slowly lead the family towards the final bit of the bad news, hence avoiding letting them go into a state of shock. He also gave them the freedom to weep in front of him, allowed them time to gather their thoughts and pull themselves together before carrying on. He also gently explained the various routes and plans which can be done for the patient, and nicely made them see that there is a limit to how much a person's life can be prolonged even after proceeding with all the other investigations and treatment.

I love this sentence he said the most...

"Mr X is 89, and like u said, he has been leading a good life, and enjoying it. I think the best we can do for him now is to keep him comfortable, and gradually letting him go peacefully."

I know it sounds normal, but perhaps it was the tone he used which touched me greatly as I listened.

I could tell that he had a close knit family who loves him dearly, from the way his son spoke and watching how he broke down in the office. He was telling us about how happy his dad was, and how happy the entire family was, until his mum passed away. And it was from that day onwards that his dad deteriorated in every way.

When he was talking about all that, I actually weeped. Yeah, and my seniors started laughing at me after we left the room.

Class of Primary 1G-4G

2008-07-03T04:51:00.002+08:00

After Samantha placed that classic photo of my class on Facebook, comments on that photo streamed in like there's no tomorrow.

Our class monkey, Kwong Kit (Kit as we call him now) seems to be the most excited amongst us lot, putting in so much effort in searching people from our class. The guys even made up their minds that a gathering will be held.

Because of that photo, I have found so many of my old friends. Many changed in terms of their looks, size and personality, some just never change. It only took an instant for some of us to recognise who is who just by reading what is being typed on MSN.

I hate logging into Facebook since it hangs on me allllll the time, but thanks to this bunch of monkeys, I've been logging in many times a day, and kinda got active in there.

It's also pleasing to know that everyone's been a really good sport by eagerly saying that they're dying to stay in touch, frantically adding one another on MSN & on Facebook, and wanting to turn up for the gathering. Sadly, quite a few of us are overseas for various reasons (and that includes poor me..), so these individuals will have to give the gathering a miss. BUT!!!! Kit & Andre promised meeting up with me when I return home....kekekekeke. I'm really really keen on seeing them again. It'll be fun. Something to bring excitement into my life.

I had a brilliant time chatting on MSN with the bunch, reminiscing the old days. There wasn't a tinge of a strange feel. Neither was there a need to maintain one's image nor was there anything restricting us from speaking out our mind. Perhaps it's because we've all started out being friends during days when we were all young, naive and innocent, hence, the trust has already been built amongst us to keep the pretence away. Even the gifted student of our class (he never failed to rank 1st every year) who is now an incredibly high-flyer, and our "Minister of Finance in the Making" got super active and excited during the chat. Hahaha..we were initially worried that he might not want to acknowledge or mingle with us lowlifes...lol...

I also found a very good buddy of mine who wasn't in the same class as me, but we got to know each other through a fight on the school bus until it got to the Vice-Principal's office. It was this incident which made us friends. He used to live in the apartment opposite my house, and I last met him when I was in lower sec sch at the bus stop outside my house. Gosh, he is looking really different from how he was before..in the positive way of cos. I was impressed!

The girls changed a lot too. The tall ones are still tall though. At least I managed to catch up to an average height now...haha. Some of the girls are now married (to ppl like ruoz and huishan, not sure if your eyes are sharp enuff or not, but E-ying is one of the girls in the class photo. yup, she's not just my sec sch classmate, but also my pri sch classmate!), one of them has even got a 1 yr old daughter now. How scary!!!!!

And of course, more are getting engaged soon. :)

Oh Food...Glorious food...

2008-07-01T04:01:00.013+08:00

Damn it..smelling that wonderful smell that's coming from the kitchen just makes me terribly hungry. Thanks to my colleague who's cooking his dinner. Am so tempted to go down and snatch his food away from him...kekeke. Unfortunately, I'm not on such close terms with him to do so.

Lately, I've been dreaming about food, telling Dearie everyday what I miss eating.

Here's some of the food on the list..

1. Hong Shao Rou (and I only want it made by Dearie's Stepdad! Honestly, I'm sure this dish of his will become extremely popular if he sets up a stall in Sg selling this. The meat looks drastically FAT, but he's able to rid the oil within the fats to the extent whereby u don't get the "oily" feel at all. I shall feast myself crazy with this dish when I get my ass in Beijing)

2. Black Pepper Crab (there's this stall in the Aljunied/Geylang area which makes excellent black pepper crabs...and the crab is humongous! Their crab meat fried rice is brilliant too)

3. Thai Food (missing the ones I tasted in Thailand. Love tom yum soup, curry and of course desserts)

4. Mee Rebus (I must say this is my fav malay dish of all times)

5. Peking duck (manz..miss the aroma..Dearie promised to let me savour this authentic dish again)

6. Jiao Zi (only want the ones made by Dearie's Stepmother..the pork & chives jiaozi she makes is first class. Miss xiao long bao too..)

7. Steamboat (muahahaa...bring me to a steamboat restaurant & that'll keep me happy for the rest of the day)
8. Prawns with salted egg (this is one of the dishes I never fail to order when I'm in Crystal Jade. Combination of things I like - prawns and salted egg. One plate is never enough for me.)

9. Fried Hokkien Prawn Mee (I only want the one from this certain Lorong in Geylang)

10. Char Kway Teow (with lots of "hum" please..)

11. Kaya Roti, Half-boiled egg & Tek Tarik (the perfect bfast apart from You Tiao & Dou Hua)

12. Cakes & desserts!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Obviously..the list doesn't just end there.

Looks like I've really got to make a long proper list of things I want to eat, so that I can slowly tick them off when I return home. It'll keep my family and him happy too, cos they won't have to crack their heads abt what to eat and where to go...kekeke. :)

From childhood to adulthood

2008-06-30T06:54:00.004+08:00

I got a huge surprise seeing this old photo being posted up on Facebook when I logged in out of boredom (I rarely log in there ever!).

My primary school photo posted by my primary sch classmate!

Can u tell which is me? (Save the pic and enlarge it if u want)

Got the answer? I'm the tiny tanned one in the first row, first from the left. Damn it, I really have the size of a baby mouse compared to the others.

And now..this is ME. Big change?!

Saved my patient! :)

2008-06-24T07:30:00.002+08:00

Today's a great day. I was kept busy from the start till the end - very rare in my current post unless I'm on call.

I felt really satisfied at the end of the day, but even more happy because I saved a patient of mine who is dying, alone.

This patient hasn't been well over the weekend, and when I was on my ward round with my seniors this morning, he looked terrible. From his look, u can tell that the end is nearing. Everyone in the ward knew that he might be going off very very soon, but weren't very panicky about it because the "golden ticket" (as we term it in the hospital...is a form that says "Do Not Resuscitate") was right on top of his notes.

Honestly, there is good and bad to this ticket. The good is we prevent a patient from going through all the defibrillation, CPR and whatever aggressive resuscitation methods we have, when before touching the patient, we know for sure that he/she will not make it after considering his/her general state and comorbidities. Also, in some ways, it saves the relatives agony and mental torture if they are urgently called to rush down to the hospital to have a last look at their loved one, having to witness the doctors and nurses doing various things (most of which are not nice) to the patient (sometimes, u might even find them raising their voice at each other during times of conflict. yup, unprofessional, but it happens!). The medical staff will not have to be on their toes, and running down the corridor to the room when the cardiac arrest alarm goes off too (everyone gets on with their life basically..)

The bad is that everyone tends to lax once the "golden ticket" is signed by the doctor. Even if the observations go way off, the nurses would just bleep u but show no signs of panic or insist on immediate attention.

Apparently, this "golden ticket" is so important that whenever a patient doesn't look well or too troublesome to handle when ill, the nurses will come after your neck to ask u to sign the ticket (which u can so kindly reject if u feel that the patient should be resuscitated, and be prepared to be "cursed" by the nursing staff abt it). But overall, I must say that the doctors I know don't just issue "golden tickets" without valid reasons, which is good. The only thing I don't feel too pleased about is the lax attitude some tend to give later when they know that the ticket is done. I think if possible (after considering if the management might change the situation), every patient has the right to be given attention when appropriate and needed and be given the best treatment possible.

Isn't that what doctors are there for? We're not gods, and we are no position to determine if a patient should live or die, but at least, I think we should not give the patient a death penalty on the spot.

I was bleeped during lunchtime to review this ill patient of mine. While rushing to the ward, thoughts of what possibilities there are for his observations to go haywire continuously streamed through my mind.

In the situation I was given, there wasn't time to take a thorough history. I had to rely on all the information I have from his medical notes, and my clinical examination to come up with a diagnosis and differentials.

I drafted all the investigations and management, did them, and then informed my Registrar about the situation. It was pleasing to know that my Registrar agreed with my plan, came up to the ward to have a quick look at the patient and told me to continue with all my proposed plans while he rushes off for clinic.

I was left to do everything from scratch alone, from taking bloods, to blood gases, to oxygen, to venflons to catheters to sending bloods off to the lab myself. The only thing which I need not do was to sit the patient up and administer the medication. Pathetic eh? But that's how it is if the "golden ticket" has been signed. U won't get anyone around u to give u assistance, and there were times before, I had to shout so that nurses will run over to see what's going on.

The number of things I had to do on this patient isn't drastically huge, but still, it took me hours to get everything done and compiling all the results.

The struggle wasn't all for nothing though. Observations were repeated after I've completed everything, and I let a sigh of relief immediately when the nurses told me that the observations are stabilised and my patient's feeling better.

My Registrar came up soon after, and was really pleased. "What magic did u do? U've saved your patient. Well done!" he said.

That made my day. The satisfaction I got from today's experience is just wonderful. Definitely a confidence boosting experience and one which tested my ability to keep cool-headed and calm.

2008-06-21T06:14:00.002+08:00

His mood has improved quite a fair bit these 2 days. And so did mine. Nevertheless, he's still as busy as ever. We've not been talking as much as before, and I occupied myself with dramas, revision, and reading random things that interests me.

"Sorry for neglecting you and I'm sorry that I am using the time which is meant to be spent on you to study instead. I will spend time with you during the weekend." Dearie said.

Although they were only words, it did bring some consolation that I was, at least, thought of. Yes, the weekend is here, but I'm not expecting him to specially set aside time for me. Having been with him for years, I know what is expected from his weekends. Weekends with him isn't what anyone would expect from a dating couple. Sometimes, it's better to accept the way it is than to ask for more from him. I trust that he sincerely wants to set some time to spend on only me, but things that go around him in China just doesn't allow it. Understanding has a limit, and I don't deny that it hurts and it's disappointing at times, especially during times when I need him. But I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that this won't change, whether it pleases me or not.

He made me laugh when he calls my dad "Ling Dao". Dad is constantly in touch with my boy, and it's nice to know that they do chat free online even if I'm not around. My parents care a lot for him too. Dad's been quite concerned about how Dearie's coping with his job, and as usual, didn't fail to give him some words of advice and encouragement when I told Dad that he's been pretty frustrated recently.

Dad seems pretty excited about my return soon. He was telling me about how Mum and him were talking about me, and recalling how I packed my bags and left for the UK 7 years ago. Indeed time flies, and I've already spent my later teenage years and early 20s abroad alone. Life abroad has been quite a misery for me, and I have lost count of the number of times I spend weeping alone silently in my room. Way toooooo much has happened during my time abroad, mostly painful to think about yet unforgettable. But at least, at the end, I have gotten what I want, and it is now time to return home* to start a new chapter in my life.

*Whenever I think about my upcoming return home, I cannot help but think abt a friend who went to the airport to see me off 7 years ago. Before I left, he told me that he'll wait for me to return home for good. He was my guardian angel, but so many things happened between us throughout my years abroad, that we have stopped talking and lost touch. Even so, because he is someone I hold close to my heart, sometimes I would wonder how he would feel if he knows that the day he has been waiting for 7 years ago (my permanent return home) is finally here. Would he be relieved and happy to know that his wait is finally over and be excited to see how much I've aged? Or would it bring him nothing more but hurt? Or perhaps, it might not mean anything to him now if he has already given up waiting even as a friend. This, I'll never know.

2008-06-19T07:20:00.002+08:00

Today, Dearie was very stressed from work. In fact, I haven't seen him being as carefree and as happy as how he was before for quite some time. Things got slightly better though, but it still wasn't the same as before. But ever since he started work last week, his mood plunged again.

It has been quite a while since he last taken it out on me, but because he isn't in his best mood, we haven't been talking as much as before. Hogging on the phone is still our daily practice, but there's less to talk about, hence, quite a number of silent moments.

I didn't feel good when I knew he had a bad day at work, and didn't feel any better when he got frustrated over the fact that he's got to work overnight again tomorrow (and his company doesn't pay overtime). We spoke very very little to each other online because he seems busy all the time, and I didn't want to be a pain.

I was quite pleased when he told me why he's fed up with his job, and I do understand why he's so. Who wouldn't be if u were given some position, yet doing jobs which isn't what the position states? The things which he's doing is important in his field, but they are "specialties" which he doesn't take an interest in.

I am worried that he'll quit soon. Honestly, I would be supportive of it if he can find a job easily, but jobs are not easy to come by these days. Also, many jobs in the market confers a person a certain position, but the duties are usually not one would expect. I am worried that if he changes jobs and realise that other companies expect him to do similar jobs as this current one and keep quitting again and again, there's nothing gained except having time wasted and having the CV marred.

If we're from the same country, probably I wouldn't be so bothered abt it. We've made plans, and after all that has happened throughout our years together, I have set my mind to press on. Maybe it's because I am holding high hopes towards this rship, that's why I keep feeling insecure. I've placed a very heavy bet this time, and I don't know what impact it will have on me if it all fails at the end.

Perhaps I was being very selfish since I was being more concerned about how not to lose this gamble I've taken, by worrying about how long he's ever going to take to reunite with me in Sg if he keeps changing jobs and how we're going to make our dream come true, rather than giving him the type of support he needs.

Being a complete IT idiot, when he went on telling me about his problems with his field, I wasn't able to comprehend. I actually got very confused and lost, yet I didn't dare to tell him, fearing that he'll lose his temper. When I was just listening and being unable to give comments, he wasn't pleased abt me being quiet. If I were to say something, he says he feels more stressed after talking to me. No matter how I react, it doesn't please him.

Whenever I get into this situation with him, a miserable and helpless feeling gets me. Dearie said he just asks for me to understand, and I swear I am doing that, yet nothing pleases him. I have no idea if I had done anything wrong.

This seems like a gap between us which I don't know how to bridge. This gap makes me feel like a completely useless gf. It makes me ponder if I'm the one for him. I can't help think that maybe another person who is familar with his field is more suited to be his gf. All I want to do is just run away when I meet this gap since I'm at my wit's end about handling this problem.

I'm just never good enough, am I?

Proud of Dearie

2008-06-18T06:28:00.002+08:00

Dearie's just started his new job recently, and most days, he's working overtime. On his first day at work, he was already asked to work overnight.

It has been very tiring for him to cope with his long work hours, night classes and revision. Despite all that, I appreciate his efforts to send me messages whenever he can during the day, and contact me everyday. It's always nice to know how his day has been, and pleasing to know that at the end of the day, I have been thought of. Even if he's doing something else, we'll still be leaving the webcam on, and it keeps me happy just seeing him.

It pains me to see how tired he is, and I wish so much to be next to him in China to make him a nice cup of green tea and give him a hug to make him feel better. Am planning to go to Beijing around September for about a month, since I'll be having a few months' break before starting my new job. Shall go over and be the little housewife during then - house cleaning, preparing his meals (and delivering it if he's working overtime), grocery shopping, laundry, preparing his clothes for work :)

Dearie is handling a project at the moment, and he was telling me how he had to tolerate the snobbish attitude of the staff of his client. A guilt came over me at that point, because I know Dearie could have been a government official with greater power than those people and be in a position to thumb these people down. But it's because of me that he refused the job, and decided to seek his own means of survival.

Although he only brings back a reasonable salary (for China's standards), my love for him has grown even more through this. He has become more attractive in my eyes because he has changed so much for me. When I first knew him, he was a guy who doesn't look at price tags when buying anything, spends without giving a 2nd thought, says nasty things to me at times without considering my feelings and shouts/scolds people who irritates him in any way (esp on the roads). But now, he looks at price tags when we go shopping, thinks before he spends, and doesn't shout at people he doesn't know who irritates him (even though u can still tell that he's irritated when he walks away or doesn't seem to want to talk much). He doesn't horn unless necessary on the roads too. He rarely says nasty things to me now, and if he does, he apologises soon too. He's also becoming more responsible towards our rship by making sure we're in touch in one way or another everyday (he gets quite upset if he doesn't hear from me for even one day now). And most importantly, he has learnt to become less dependent by sourcing for his own job himself, learning slowly to see how the commercialised world is like without relying on anyone, and working towards his so-called 5 year plan for us.

This, makes me proud having him (even though it sucks that I still have a long wait more to go).

Those major exams

2008-06-17T07:24:00.002+08:00

I chanced upon news abt China's "Gao Kao" (similar to our GCE 'A' Levels) on Xin Hua. Reading news abt this annual major exam brought a smile to my face, as it reminded me of my days in secondary school and JC.

Long gone were the days whereby I would sit in school exam halls in my uniform, having what I've revised over the months repeat itself in my head while waiting for the exam papers to be distributed. Those were the days whereby I'll be revising intensively everyday till the wee hours, and doing the infamous ten-year series to make sure I have familiarised myself perfectly with the type of questions which may appear in the exam. And not going to bed until I feel confident and prepared enough.

It was a stressful period, but it left fond memories as well. 'A' Levels were more memorable than the 'O's because I had a hard time coping in JC, and it had gotten to a point whereby I just gave up completely. I wasn't even expecting to pass it, and was even mentally prepared to repeat it. Fortunately, I managed to get through. I wouldn't say that I was a lazy student in JC, but I hated being in that college due to the lack of support. I had difficulty in catching up with my classmates as well, because they were all from a pure triple science class in their secondary school, whereas I was from a Pure Biology and combined Physics and Chem class. It was tough because they had a much better knowledge than me for Physics and Chem.

My results in JC sucks to the core, and I still remember how I would search for my name from the bottom of the list when exam results were released, and how I would compare with my buddy in class about how many subjects we have failed. Failing became part of my JC life, and slowly, I got numbed to it. My tutors didn't seem to care very much too, and I lost interest. Deep down, I had wanted very much to do well, but there wasn't much support around.

Once, I asked Dearie about how his memories of "Gao Kao" was like, and haha...like me, he thinks it's the most unforgettable experience ever. He claims that it's the most stressful period of his life as a student in China, and it got so bad that he had to go wash his face and hair to destress and keep himself sane. Dearie's got a very high stress threshold, and I can kinda imagine how torturing it must have been for him during then that he had to do that....hahahaha. Oh well, at least for all that effort, he did well enough to get into a top University...lol.

Really do miss those days, but no way would I want to repeat 'A' Levels again. I seriously don't think I'll do any better even if I were to repeat it either.

2008-06-14T04:26:00.002+08:00

My long awaited weekend is here. I've been looking forward to it, and it's time to catch up with sleep. This week has been hectic, because quite a few of my patients are very ill and rather unstable. There has also been a few whom who are nothing but trouble, and that irritates me a hell lot, because firstly, hospitals are not hotels, and secondly, it is a place for those who r ill and wants to be treated, not a playground to come to when u feel like and then refuse to be treated. Makes me wtf they even bother being admitted. Waste of time and country's resources. Pisses me off further when I think abt my high taxes paid to this place is spent on these people who are nothing but society's parasites and burden.

Completely blew my top over a scolding from a senior doctor who stays in the lab 24/7 and has COMPLETELY no idea of how the hospital actually works. I was condemned by this doctor for something I had no control of (makes me boil thinking abt it), and even though I'm a junior doctor, I will not tolerate being yelled at and taking raps for others. Hence, I told him off over the phone, stressing the fact that the error is something that I had no control of, and I did no wrong to begin with, hence, a chance for me to push blames on others (which he claimed I did) will not even exist to start. And I also told him that this error should be an issue which he, as a senior staff, should address to the hospital instead. Anyway, this issue became quite huge since my Consultant was contacted abt it. Whatever it is, I will stand firm and insist to the end that the error wasn't within my control. My Consultant is a very understanding person, and I am sure that he'll see where I'm coming from.

I'm not angry abt this anymore. But the way this hospital is managed is poor. It's a good thing that I'll be leaving soon. It frustrates me enough to do silly things when I know it is silly, but have no choice, since it's hospital policy and management. All talk, but nothing productive is ever done in this place. Typical angmo way of working. Bah!

***********

It's Dearie's first day of work today, and this poor darling of mine already has to work overnight. I wonder how he's coping now without sleep, and it does worry me a little abt him driving home later.

Been missing him a lot, but we've been really busy with our stuffs everyday that by the time we get to talk to each other, we would have been exhausted.

Dearie told me that he misses our days together in University, and he wished he had done his undergrad in UK so that he would have known me earlier and if that happened, he would be able to spend more time with me, take care of me, and not let me spend years alone abroad.

Even though we had unhappy memories, I still miss the days we lived in the same building. I miss how he would message me every night at 10pm on MSN in the beginning. I miss how he would pay me surprise visits. I miss how he would wait for me at the bus stop after I finish lectures and go to the supermarket with me on our way home. I miss staying in his room talking to myself while he does his work. I miss how he would frantically try to find me in town when I ran away after quarrelling. I miss how he would take me out for a stroll around town very late at night, and enjoy a bottle of orange juice and a hot packet of french fries, when I am tired from studying. I miss how he took great care of me when I was very ill for 2 weeks. I miss how he would stay by my side to coax me to sleep. I miss waking up, finding him next to me. And I miss the night he told me that he'll never let me be alone again.

Ancient and modern-day practice of Medicine

2008-06-10T07:51:00.002+08:00

The famous "Hua Tuo" suddenly came into my mind while I was going into a daze after a long day's work. My family mentioned his name once when I was very very young, telling me that he's a famous physician in Ancient China, but I never asked more about him. Neither did I bother to find out more even after reading this Chinese textbook story about him doing a surgery for General Guan Yu when I was in primary school.

I have always been extremely proud of being Chinese, and am even more proud of it after coming to the UK abt 6-7 years ago. Having a bf from China influenced me further, and from someone who didn't appreciate the Mandarin language much and not being used to speaking it, I have gradually grown to love my own mother tongue. Being a Singaporean Chinese, my mandarin proficiency cannot be compared to my bf, who knows quite a bit abt ancient China's history, read numerous famous Chinese literature, able to recite poems and write profoundly. Also, not forgetting, even my pronunciation isn't right to begin with, and Dearie had to make me repeat it after him just to get my pronunciation right. You bet it is a chore for him, and many times, he ended up laughing and giving up.

Due to my increasing interest and love for my own roots and ancestry, I have been taking out the map of China which Dearie gave me, and trying to locate places, especially where my grandpa came from. The map wasn't detailed enough to let me locate the village which grandpa mentioned before, but at least I roughly know where it is in China. Just by looking at the map, it made me happy.

I have also tried to read Chinese poems, but can never remember them. But it does keep me happy just by reading it and trying to appreciate the beauty of the language.

Anyway, back to Medicine.

I did a search for Hua Tuo since I wanted to know more about him, and I am indeed impressed! He's well known for creating an anaesthetic called "Ma Fei San" using the combination of herbs and wine. He's the first person to create this, and the Westerners only started using anaesthetic 1600 years after the "birth" of "Ma Fei San". Hua Tuo was also an expert in acupuncture, and the famous "Hua Tuo Jia Ji" which he discovered was named after him. I did some reading on this, and learning briefing about the angle of insertion, the distance away from the spine and the depth of insertion were really interesting. It's amazing how these 3 can make a difference and the theory of it all.

I also read abt the descriptions of some of Hua Tuo's encounters. There are 3 most commonly mentioned ones. The first is about him getting a patient who was really ill with abdominal pain to adminster "Ma Fei San" before he did an abdominal surgery on him. Hua Tuo removed the diseased part of the bowel, sewed up the wound, and applied some ointment on it to encourage recovery. The patient recovered soon after. The diagnosis is our modern day appendicitis, and what he had performed during then was what we know today as appendicectomy.

The second is about his expertise at diagnosing if a woman is pregnant and being able to tell the sex of the fetus through feeling the pulse of the pregnant patient. There was a description of him diagnosing a retained fetus in a General's wife who had a miscarriage. The General's wife had injured herself during pregnancy and as a result, had a miscarriage. The baby delivered was dead, and caused extensive haemorrhage. However, after the delivery, she deterioriated in her condition, and Hua Tuo came to a conclusion that the lady had twins, and the 2nd fetus which has died within her, has not been delivered, and therefore causing her deterioration. He did all this by feeling only her pulse. True enough, with instructions given to another lady, the dead 2nd fetus was removed by hand from the General wife's body.

The thired encounter is about him using acupuncture to regain a patient's ability to walk.

I am amazed by the above, because Medicine is those days are primitive. Everything was done by through thorough history taking and careful examination. The examination skills of the physicians then were so brilliant that diagnoses can be made, without the need of any other invasive or sophisticated investigations. Medications given were from nature.

But in modern day medicine, even though we still take histories and examine patients, our skills are no where comparable to physicians of those days. Our examination skills aren't as fine as theirs, and I'm sure our history taking aren't as detailed as them too. We are able to come up with diagnoses and differentials, and be highly suspicious of whatever, but we cannot confirm anything for sure unless we have blood results, xrays, and other types of sophisticated investigations. We have become so reliant on today's technology that doctors have lost quite an extent of skills we should possess as a true practitioner. We also rely so heavily on pills and medications produced by pharmaceutical companies, that we have neglected what nature has to offer (TCM still uses herbs, but they have turned quite commercialised now too). It would be extremely interesting to see how a modern day physician survives if he goes back to the past, into the ancient days where there's nothing to rely on except history and examination.

I have always been amazed about how fascinating ancient medicine is, and TCM is something I'm quite interested in even though I don't have any knowledge of it. I just personally feel that traditional/ancient medicine holds a lot of value, and it would be very beneficial and handy.

A brilliant physician who will send others going "wow" in today's medicine is one who can diagnose a rare disease after doing all types of investigations and treating it. But I think a true physician who really deserves saluting is one who can diagnose diseases (common and rare) without a doubt and without any investigations and treat it successfully with plain herbs.

Unfortunately, I don't think such a physician exists now....or perhaps...maybe they still do in the extremely extremely rural places which I believe must be still practising proper medicine primitively.

Days of self-doubt

2008-06-09T04:45:00.002+08:00

I must admit that I have grown more confident of coming up with diagnoses and drafting up a management plan. My confidence has also been gradually building on reviewing patients whom I have no clue about. But despite all that, there are still days whereby I feel completely crap and doubt my competency.

I reviewed a patient today as the nurses were concerned about her being very dehydrated. She is VERY peripherally shutdown, and it was HELL trying to cannulate her. She didn't look very unwell at all, and even though her oxygen saturations weren't detectable, she wasn't huffing and puffing. Blood pressure and temperature was fine. Hence, I had no reason to suspect anything more than dehydration after examining her. I focussed AAAAALLLLLLL my thoughts on cannulating her so that she can have a drip going in fast. If it was of any consolation, I actually managed to cannulate her halfway before her veins collapsed...lol. I gave up after a few attempts and seeked senior assistance.

Being mega busy today and having my pager going off once every less than 5 minutes, I missed the fact that this patient had a temperature spike yesterday even though it was shining right into my face. If I had concentrated more, the thought of sepsis and a pending septic shock would have come into my mind. Dehydration wouldn't have just been my diagnosis, even though it was correct in a way.

Fortunately, I did pester my senior to review her, and he had agreed with me that this patient is very dehydrated and fluids are needed to be given quickly. However, that spike triggered thoughts of an impending septic shock even though she looked deceiving well. More investigations were being done, and the results were so bad that she was transferred to the high dependency unit immediately. A central line was placed instead since my seniors thinks she's impossible to cannulate after they failed to do it too.

Then not too long later. A new patient who was seen by the Registrar on call arrested in the same unit. I ran quickly there. Good thing I wasn't the first doctor there, or else I would have been thrown completely into a fluster. This patient was so unwell on admission that he was sent to the high dependency unit immediately, and before he arrested, he had numerous lines placed into him already. It was a complete mess around him with so many leads, wires and lines around him. It was impossible to tell which line is for what in a critical situation. Everything was in control with the presence of the ever-so-calm anaesthetists (I think I should never ever be an anaesthetist) and all I did was CPR. First time doing it on a real proper and goodness, it really isn't as easy as how I thought it should be. I don't think I'm a weak girl to begin with, but it is tiring compressing someone's chest. I was in sweats already by the time I finished one cycle.

My mind was in quite a blank for a good 2-3 seconds when I arrive. All I know when I realised that it's asystole was CPR, after the airway, breathing and circulation are secured (if that's of any consolation). I think I do know what to do (will be a separate issue if it's something shockable since I think I've gone rusty on when to administer what meds after how many cycles of CPR) if I was the first person to arrive at the scene, but I definitely would go blank for 2 seconds first. I will need to be really calm the next time if it happens. I guess I'll need to have more cardiac arrest experience (real ones of course). Anyway, this cardiac arrest did make me feel a little crap at the end too.

Argh. I will need to revise more and consolidate everything more. 2 more mths to end of housemanship, and I don't think I'm worth being forgiven if I can't even manage a patient well.

2008-06-06T02:54:00.002+08:00

6th June - Dearie's Bday. And he's received a brilliant gift this year. He's finally got a job!!! Am really really happy for him! It's not high-paying, but that's not our 1st priority at the moment. We're just extremely pleased that at least we can see some light somewhere, and we've finally taken our first baby step towards our future together. To us, gaining work experience is 1st priority, and when he's got enough experience, he'll find a way to make it to Singapore to reunite with me permanently.

He has been warned that he'll have numerous overtime to do, and will be expected to work during public holidays if needed. Looks like I won't get to talk to him much when he starts, and might not be able to go to Singapore to see me in a few mths' time. Sigh...seems like it's liking going to be me making a trip to China again the next time. If I do go there, shall make the effort to stay longer (Dearie and his family told me to stay for at least a mth!!!!).

Over the last few weeks, memories have been coming back of how I first met Dearie, our days in University, and how our life was like being flatmates. Happy & sad ones. Time has past really quickly, and we've been in a relationship for more than 2.5 years. It hasn't been easy, and over these years, we've grown so accustomed to each other and are aware of each other's good and bad habits. Gradually, he has grown to occupy a major place in my heart.

Despite having numerous big quarrels which have resulted in us being at the verge of breaking up, I still feel blessed in some ways. A friend of mine was confiding in me regarding his relationship with his gf, asking me if the rship was worth continuing. When I asked him how his rship with his gf was, his "I don't know" reply left me speechless for a while. That night, I asked Dearie the same question and asked for a truthful answer. He didn't hesitate for a second to say that it's good and said he feels blessed to have me. At that moment, I felt really blessed and loved. It isn't easy to get someone to say his/her relationship is good without hesitation.

******************

One of my patients died yesterday, and again, my tears rolled whilst I was at the ward desk doing some paperwork. Having looked after her for 2 months, even though she has hardly spoken to me due to her dementia, I still felt a little for her. Even though she was very elderly, she was like a little girl, never failing to hug her soft toys when she's sleeping. What made me cry yesterday was when I heard her husband talking to her dead body. 60 years of marriage (I hold high respects for angmo couples who manage to keep their marriage this long since the divorce rates for them is so high) and during her 4 mths' stay in hospital, there was never a day he failed to come to the hospital by bus to visit her even though he lived really far away. She died just a minute after he left her room to get a cup of coffee. He spent a long time staying next to her corpse, talking continuously to her as if she was alive. He must have endless things to tell her. As an onlooker, I could feel his pain and his deep love for her. I felt a little crap for not getting her well, and I did reflect for a while if it was justifiable to terminate treatment because she was deteriorating suddenly.

A Consultant told me today that studies have shown that doctors are overly optimistic because of their goal of saving a person's life, but what I can never understand until today is...when is it the appropriate time to set one's foot down to make the decision of terminating treatment? Whenever my patients die after their treatment has been terminated due to a sudden change in their state to a level whereby we believe that they will not make it, I cannot help but wonder if they would slowly getting better if we had taken the treatment to a more aggressive level. Dad told me before that it is better and more humane way to terminate treatment because by giving more aggressive treatment, I will be prolonging the patient's sufferings further when finally at the end, the patient might not even survive. He's right, but somehow, part of me feels regretful and can't help questioning if the situation could have been different if a different management has been done. I guess in some ways, I am selfish, since I'm placing saving a patient with all that's available above how the patient is actually feeling.

P.S.: Hey Julian, if u're reading this, perhaps it's a good thought before your bedtime?

Back to work

2008-06-03T22:48:00.002+08:00

I slept really well last night, and got up at abt 6+ this morning.

Was still feeling pretty lazy, but decided to force myself to get up. I reported for work at 7am this morning. :)

It was nice seeing familiar faces, and having colleagues from different teams asking me how my annual leave went. It was also nice to have my own senior telling me that I was missed very much by the team because of the lists I make everyday for them.

Work does aid to make me feel happier abt being back. My patients are still making me laugh with things they say and do. It's wonderful seeing my old patients who are still staying in after I've went on leave for 2 weeks, smiling and greeting me as I was doing the ward round today.

2 more mths to go...I shall press on.

Jet-Lagging?

2008-06-03T09:13:00.002+08:00

Never had this problem before, but now I know what it is all about..sigh..

Despite being in the A380 on my flight back to the UK, I still didn't manage to get much sleep at all. No doubt I'm a piggy and I do sleep anywhere (yes, I dozed off once while sitting on the toilet bowl doing my business), but somehow, I couldn't get to sleep at all in the plane. Or maybe just a little bit of snooze before touch down. The entertainment was brilliant, but that wasn't the main reason for keeping me awake.

Snoozed more whilst on the coach and train back to where I currently am.

I'm not as happy as how I returned to this place like the last time, and the first thing I did after unpacking my almost-empty luggage and showering is to hide under my duvet, with music playing in the background.

Memories started streaming back to my last years in University whereby I'll end up spending most of my time in Dearie's room singing and talking to myself whilst he's busy doing his stuffs. And then waking up to find food on the table if I happen to doze off amongst my piles of books and notes.

I slept a good 5 hours after ending a call with Dearie. It's comforting hearing his voice, especially when I haven't been feeling well these few days. Maybe it's the lack of sleep (I couldn't sleep much during my few days' stay in Sg) which has caused my immunity to plunge, causing some cough to start. Been feeling quite nauseous for a few days too. I wished Dearie was here to give me some TLC.

Ok, time to call him again. Hopefully he's woken up.

And work starts later...sigh...

Returning for the LAST time (hopefully)

2008-06-01T13:45:00.002+08:00

I shall be returning to the UK for the last time (hopefully) tonight. Funny enough, it doesn't excite me at all despite knowing the fact that I have only 2 months more to go before I earn my "licence to kill" and bid a permanent farewell to a place I've lived in for more than half a decade. Is it the post-annual leave syndrome playing up? Or is it the thought of the piling things I have to rush to do once I get back? Or is it this weekend's on call which I so dread to do? Or is it an unexplained loneliness I still get within despite having friends there? Perhaps..it's a little of everything.

With a bank holiday to extend my annual leave for one more day, I have already gotten a good bargain, and was able to spend more time than I could have asked for with Dearie. But this is never enough I suppose. The thought of being only able to see him a few months later again saddens me very much. I hated the idea of having to leave him so much that I was hoping so much to miss my flight. Anyway, I'm appreciating the effort he's putting in to try and make our regular separations temporary. I'm telling myself that even though we'll still be separated after I've come back to Sg, it will be better than being half the world apart like how we are at the moment. Family, friends, and the hectic schedule at work will ease it up. Plus no more time difference, and I'll be able to cheer myself up with silly childish thoughts like "He must be having lunch while I'm having mine" and "He must be getting ready to sleep now just like me."

This holiday has been good for me both at home and in China. My little puppy has made it a difference for me, giving me something to look forward to the moment I wake up, to whenever I feel alone. He's still too young to be climbing stairs, but I'm sure when he's older, he'll become a frequent visitor to my room. :)

Feeling damn sianz...and I'm not in the mood to pack my luggage at all (hate packing luggages after all these years) even though there's hardly anything to pack. Just wanna lie in bed and rot away.

2008-05-20T02:10:00.002+08:00

It's a bit odd that I'm meeting Dearie tmr when something major just happened a few days ago. Knowing that it's going to be awkward seeing him at this point of time, I was planning to either cancel my air tix (which I realised was too late and I think giving up my free ticket for no reason is darn stupid, plus my parents would smell something fishy going on) or stay in a hotel and tour Beijing alone (chances are I'll probably spend my time in the hotel everyday).

But after all the discussions we had, I decided to shove everything aside and enjoy myself. It's pretty pointless travelling all the way there and feeling miserable anyway. I don't want to regret not spending quality time with him in future either, especially when I don't get to see him often at all.

Dearie says he's got tooo much to tell me, and he only wants to tell me about them face-to-face. Fine, shall give him the opportunity to let everything out when I'm there.

Kinda excited now. Few more hours, and I'll be seeing him again. Muahaha...I can relive the enjoyment I get being chauffered around while I admire the city, see my favourite road in Beijing, and trying hard to peek into the passengers in the cars next to us...hehehe. And of course, not forgetting the food I love there and the big comfy bed in Dearie's apartment (just the type I want cos it's got so many fat pillows on it)

Was busy packing just now. Grrr...I cannot understand why I feel really stressed up packing my luggage whenever I have to make a trip there. Spent hours trying to match clothes, shoes, accessories, etc. I know I'm not going there for a fashion show, but I am somehow dressed to be "watched". Quite sickening at times. Before going out everyday, I'll have to spend time putting make up, dressing up, and I can only go out when Dearie thinks I look good enough. The most stressful part of the day. But I don't deny that I do feel very much better about myself if I dress properly.

Anyway....

I totally adore my puppy. It's really small and playful. I had lots of fun cuddling it and feeding him food. Love it when he comes licking my fingers and legs too.

Mum claims that little Pan-Pan is closest to me in the family, since whenever he hears my voice or sees me, he'll start jumping and barking while wagging his tail. He refuses to go to sleep at night too if he knows I'm around, unless I ignore him.

Hehehe...shall ask Dearie to bring me to the pet shop, so that I can buy some toys and clothes for him. My puppy caught a cold after sleeping in the air-conditioned room. But he's just like a little baby...allowing my brother to cover him up with a blanket whilst he tries to sleep, and believe it or not, but my pup likes stacking cloths together to form a "pillow" for him to rest his head on to sleep.

Cute right? Can't wait to take him for small walks around the estate when he's slightly older.

An unexpected call

2008-05-17T07:39:00.002+08:00

My head was throbbing and my eyes were burning after typing out everything that I wanted to tell Dearie. I have decided that I will go by his wishes, and grant him all the freedom to lead the type of life he wants from now on. I have lost my confidence in being his pillar of support, and I regret the fact that I'm useless when IT softwares are concerned. I have tried hard to read up on them in order to understand and be able to say something when Dearie tells me about his problems and goes on abt the softwares. But no matter how hard I try, I still do not understand. Maybe I'm just thick. I have failed to be the type of girl he needs. And it makes me feel pointless of claiming to be his gf, when he feels that I'm not the one he'll choose to talk to if he is troubled.

I didn't want to spend the rest of the night packing my luggage with a throbbing headache, so I went to take a short nap.

I must be really exhausted, because I didn't wake up until my phone rang.

The voice over the phone sounded familiar, but the number wasn't stored in my contact list.

Me: Hello..
D: Hi michelle..
Me: U r?
D: It's me..D here..
Me: Oh..hi!
D: U're going home tmr right? I got your number from H, and I just wanted to wish u a safe journey back.

This call came as a real surprise.

D is my junior from med sch, and despite being Chinese, we never spoke even though I've seen him many times. He's going to take over my post when I am done with my housemanship in the hospital, hence, he's been shadowing me this week. When he first came a few weeks back, he was with other teams, and it is only natural that Chinese will interact with one another, but I'm not a very friendly person to begin with, so I didn't talk to him at all.

I only started talking when he came over once to talk to me, and was really surprised that he knew my name. Ok, maybe it's not that surprising since I must have made a name for myself amongst all the Msians years ago after an unpleasant incident with someone. Knowing how people around my region are like, I expected rumours to go around, and I started losing the only few friends I had too. I avoided Msians like a plague. I even chose to move out to a place where I knew I'll be far far away from them.

Since he's Msian, I reckon he might have heard abt what has happened before and things abt me. But since he's here to shadow me during his placement, I decided to put private issues and concerns aside. It was a pleasure having him around for a week, and it was nice imparting my knowledge and sharing my job experiences with him. It was great having him share my jobs with me too.

When I was on call, I was concentrating so much on my jobs in the ward. If he didn't bleeped me and asked if I wanted to eat dinner together, I would have completely forgotten abt it. That came as a surprise too. During then, even though I was talking, to me, he was my student, rather than a friend. And never did I expect him to bleep me specially to ask if I had my dinner.

Anyway, it was nice receiving his call, especially when I needed some distractions. I did feel very touched that someone remembered that I'm going home for my annual leave tomorrow, and asking me abt my coach and flight details. I was even more surprised when he actually said he doesn't mind coming to my hospital to help me after his exams, when I was only just kidding abt it. It was also surprising when he said we'll have a meal together whenever I am in Cardiff.

I am pleased to have made a new friend, even though I'm returning home for good soon. Although I don't know him very well, but at least to me, he seems very much more sincere than the people I know here. The dinner, the phone call and the blessings were enough to make me feel touched. :)

2008-05-14T06:04:00.002+08:00

Dad corresponded online with me today, to inform me that my brother broke down emotionally today and had to book out from camp under special circumstances. My brother had always been a strong person, and it got me worried when I heard this from Dad. Apparently, one of the recruits he was in charge of had fallen severely ill and have been sent to the ICU. Apparently, his situation is critical, and being able to live through the night was a major question. Being someone who loves and respects his subordinates, sharing a very close bond with them, it was no wonder why my brother would break down, even though it wasn't his fault that the young boy had fallen ill. I hope his recruit will get well soon, and I hope my brother will start feeling better soon. Being far away, I feel useless, having the urge to shower him with some care and concern during this critical moment, yet knowing how emotionally stable he is at the moment, I don't want to bring up the matter to aggravate things.

Mum was chatting loads to me, as usual. She sounds terribly excited about the little baby coming to live with us, asking me numerous questions abt how Dearie's dogs are taken care of in China. The whole family are making preparations for our new family member, and it seemed like a huge family happening for us. I'm excited in the UK to check out the little one too. I love dogs, and my brother was telling Mum that he's sure I'll be terribly happy to meet the baby, and I'll willingly do anything for it. How true..in fact, I've already volunteered to take the sweetheart to the Vet for his final vaccination at the end of this mth. Now I'm even thinking of what I'm going to buy for the puppy.

Mum started talking abt Dearie today. She was going on and on about her chatting with my granny's Radiographer about Dearie. The Radiographer's from Beijing too, and she was telling Mum that with Dearie's family background, girls in China would be queueing up for him, because by marrying into Dearie's family, it would a lifetime of luxury and I can sit in the house and be a taitai. Hence, the Radiographer was telling my mum that I should treasure Dearie since he's a brilliant catch. Although I know that my darling's great, I couldn't help but burst out laughing at what the Radiographer said. Mum started asking me if I was planning to leave home and become a taitai. "I think your Daddy will be disappointed if u were to tell him that u're quitting as a doctor to become a taitai now. It's not that we think it's bad to be a taitai, but your Daddy spent so much money to see you through medical school. And now u've finally graduated, we think it's such a waste if u suddenly say u're quitting. He could have done so many things with the money he spent on u." Mum went on. Lol.

Well, I did have thoughts of giving it all up for the sake of Dearie. Yes, quitting Medicine, get a job totally unrelated to Medicine in China, and live the rest of my life as a taitai. But Dearie was really sweet. He decided that he shall make the compromise, and let me live my dream of becoming a doctor. My passion still ultimately lies in Medicine. I haven't forgotten what I want to do after becoming a doctor, and I'm currently taking baby steps to make them become real. I've already started off by teaching medical students. Not much, but at least I've made a start. And I really do enjoy teaching them, and fascinating them with signs. I know they're fascinated when they go around telling their friends what they've seen on the wards for the day. It also pleases me when I have them listening attentively to what I'm telling them, and jotting down points. If I'm given an option, I'm sure I'll be more than willing to become a clinical tutor one day when I'm higher up the hierachy. The next would be gaining enough experience to do voluntary services locally and abroad, especially in disaster situations (I feel like shit watching the news of the Myanmar cyclone and Sichuan Quake because here I am sitting down doing nothing, when thousands out there are fighting to survive and even more are crying for their loved ones. One day...one fine day...I will make it there to do my bit. I will try my best to make this happen).

I was chatting with Owain in the kitchen today, and was telling him about the posts I've got back home. "I'm sure U'll like A&E. U look like the A&E type of person." he said. Sheesh...first, I have a Surgeon telling me I got the potential to be a Surgeon, and then my colleagues telling me that my clerking is that of a typical physician, and now someone else is telling me that I'm an A&E person. Seriously making me wonder what type of person I am. Hahahaha. I don't think I'm that great to fit everywhere. Anyway, I'll make the decision when that time comes. :)

Forgetful Me

2008-05-13T05:24:00.003+08:00

I've been getting more and more forgetful about important dates since I've started working. It seems as though the only dates I remember are when I'm on call. And I'm only looking forward to weekends. Nothing else matters.

I will remember the birthdays of my loved ones, but when the day comes, I get so engrossed with my work that I forget to ring home to give my blessings. And sometimes, even when I make the effort to ring home with saying "Happy Birthday" as my purpose, I realise I've forgotten to do so only after hanging up the call.

I used to look forward to every 28th of the month, even though I don't celebrate anything at all with Dearie. But sometimes I have forgotten all about it.

Flipped through my diary, and realised that I have forgotten that Dearie's birthday is nearing. Good thing it hasn't gone past without me realising, but still, I can't help but feel guilty that I've completely forgotten about that important day. Fortunately, I'm on call that weekend, or else I won't forgive myself for not picking to take my leave during that period, so that I can be physically next to him during his bday.

Hmm...maybe I'll try and plan something for him during one of my days in China. Wonder what should I do for him....*ponders*

My new family member

2008-05-12T03:54:00.002+08:00

Welcoming my new family member!

He's now the baby of my family. Cute huh?

Hate it!

2008-05-12T03:31:00.002+08:00

Here's why I hate living with people I don't really know.

Call it Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), but I absolutely hate it when someone else (apart from Dearie and my family) uses my fork, spoon, knife, bowl, plate and cup. Because they tend to go missing for a very very very long time, and it gets on my nerves if someone uses them, and throws it at a corner after that without washing it.

I have 3 spoons to begin with, and now ALL of them are missing. I don't bloody understand why people can't use their own utensils? Don't they have their own set? I feel terribly uncomfortable using utensils which are not mine when I'm in my own accomodation.

Totally dread it that I have to make sure I remember to dry up all my washed utensils, so that I can hide them in my cupboard. And just because I forgot to hide my one and only spoon (lost the other 2...dont know where the fuck it has gone to), now it is missing!

Yes, I have weird habits. Since young, I hate it whenever someone I'm not close to uses my stuffs, and I do lose my temper on the spot for this. I dread it when others pick into my food using dining utensils which has already been used. I dislike the idea of people eating without using the service spoons (I know it's the Chinese culture, and no matter how hard I try to accept it, I can't). If someone steals a gulp of my drink, I do get annoyed and I'll usually give him/her the entire cup.

To me, all the above is gross. I don't like the thought abt me sharing my saliva with others, and neither do I fancy the thought of others sharing their saliva with me. It turns me off completely. And although I know lots of diseases aren't spread this way, I still hate the idea of utensil/food/drink sharing.

I also dread having my clothes, towel and undergarments shared. It sounds ridiculous, but I do dump the towel away if someone else (apart from my bf) uses it. Even if it's brand new, I dump it without hesitating. Undergarments gets on my nerves most. Good thing I haven't had this problem for a long time, but when I was younger, I throw them away if someone else has used it and returns it to me after it's been washed. Sounds rude, but I find it disgusting.

Palaces!

2008-05-10T07:29:00.004+08:00

I love viewing houses - no kidding. I know it sounds weird.

My day in the hospital has been quite relaxing, since my patients are stable so far, so I ended up spending some time chatting with my seniors in the doctor's room.

My Registrar was surfing the Net looking for house plans for the plot of land he bought back home in India. Being excited, he started showing me the house plan which he fancies. The artist's impression looks really good. It's got a tinge of indian flavour in it, but westernized too. I love looking at these things, and started pestering him and my MO about how the rich are like in India, and if they build houses which look like palaces and the Taj Mahal.

I guess they knew I was getting a bit too excited, so they started to satisfy my excitement by showing me some other brilliant houses up for sale in India. I thought they're considered rich, when they can buy big plots of lands and build beautiful houses. But they claimed that they're only of a middle class standard, and the gap between the rich and poor in India is massive. They were also telling me about this filthy rich guy in India who bought his wife a real airplane as a present.

I love palaces, and hence, started pestering them to show me palaces in India. There's one which I find beautiful (Mysore Palace - see below), especially when it's lighted up in the night. Love looking at these things and how I wish I can build my own palace (if only I'm that rich...muahahahha). Apparently, they think I'm weird for dreaming of living in a palace. My Registrar was telling me how my bones would be found decades or centuries later if I accidentally lock myself in one of the hundreds and thousands of rooms, and starve to death without anyone realising it.

We started talking abt the Taj Mahal, one of the famous 7 wonders of the world. I've never been to India, but the videos and pictures of this wonderful architecture sweeps me off my feet. Would love to see it one day. I started asking them if there's anything within the Taj Mahal, and apparently, they said there's nothing spectacular inside, since there's only a tomb. For those who didn't know this, the Taj Mahal is a tomb which a rich guy built for his late wife (damn lucky hor?!), and this rich guy chopped off the thumb/finger of every worker who built the Taj Mahal, because by doing so, these workers can never ever build another structure this fascinating again. Cruel hor?

Meme (this is long..)

2008-05-07T00:55:00.002+08:00

1) Are your parents married or divorced? - Married
2) Are you a vegetarian? - No. I don't think I'll survive being one.
3) Do you believe in Heaven? - Yes
4) Have you ever come close to dying? - Yes, when I fainted and banged my head on the wall. Couldn't see anything even though I know my Mum was trying to wack me conscious.
5) What jewelery do you wear daily? - The ring Dearie bought me, and my 21st present (a necklace) frm my little bro.
6) Favorite time of day? - Night
7) Do you eat the stems of broccoli? - Yes
8) What is your hair styling agent? - John Freida Frizz-Ease Hair Serum
9) Ever have any surgery? No
10) Do you color your hair? - Yes
11) What do you wear to bed? - Tee + shorts
12) Have you ever done anything illegal? Venue? Hmm...
13) Can you roll your tongue? - Yes
14) Electric razor or blade? - Blade
15) What kind of shoes usually? - Cord shoes for work (too cold here to expose my feet)
16) Do you condone Abortions? - Deepends
17) What is your Hair color? - Black & Brown
18) Future child's name? Boy or girl? Si1 Yuan3 (still thinking of English name) for boy, and Si1 Yu3 (Ffion) for girl [Dearie and I spent quite some time thinking abt them]
19) Do you snore? - Unfortunately yes....Dearie said so
20) If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be? - Don't really know. I want to go to many places.
21) Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No..I don't like stuffed toys..
22) If you won the lottery, what would you do first? - Think of ways of letting it grow & donate some away
23) Gold or platinum/white gold? - Platinum
24) Hamburger or hot dog? Hot dog (I like sausages)
25) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? - Steamboat (I'm greedy huh..)
26) City, beach or country? - Has got to be a city (I'm a true city girl)
27) What was the last thing you touched? - Oxford handbook of clinical medicine (damn, I dun have a life)
28) Where did you eat last? - My room in UK
29) When's the last time you cried? - *secret*
30) Do you read blogs? - Yup yup...everyday
31) Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? - No. I don't think I'll look nice either.
32) Ever been involved with the police? - Yes, after I dumped all the dirt and dust I swept from the floor down a flat when I was very young
33) What's your favorite shampoo and soap? - Hmmm...Alberto VO5 (in UK) and Asience (Sg). Don't really have a fav soap..as long as it smells nice & isn't ex..I'll use it.
34) Do you talk in your sleep? - Very often...I even laugh, smile in my sleep
35) Ocean or pool? - Ocean
38) Window seat or aisle? - Aisle (I find it easier to go to the toilet)
39) Ever met anyone famous? - I'm sure I have, just can't rem who they are
40) Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life? - Not to my standard yet...I think it's still early to tell
41) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? - Twirl
42) Ricki Lake or Oprah Winfrey? - No interest in both
43) Basketball or Football? - Nahz...not my cup of tea
44) How long do your showers last? - 30-60 mins (if I'm washing my hair), otherwise...10 mins?
45) Automatic or stick shift? - Not bothered
46) Cake or ice cream? - Difficult choice...but I think I'll take Ice cream
47) Are you self-conscious? - Depending on situations
48) Have you ever drank so much you threw up? - No
49) Have you ever given money to a begger? - Yes
50) Have you been in love? - Yes
51) Where do you wish you were? - Next to my family and Dearie
52) Do you wear socks with your shoes? - Yes
53) Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? - Yes..I felt like as if I was "flying" lying in there when they sent me into hospital
54) Can you tango? - No
55) Last gift you received? - Nokia 8800 Sirrocco
56) Last sport you played? - Pool, but that's ages ago
57) Things you spend a lot of money on? - Food I guess...
58) Where do you live? - Somewhere in UK
59) Where were you born? - Mount E Hospital
60) Last wedding attended? - Kor's wedding
63) Most hated food(s)? - Internal organs (except pig's liver)
64) What's your favourite? - Ballet :)
65) Can you sing? I think so...
66) Last person you instant messaged? Dearie
67) Last place you went on holiday? - Beijing
68) Favorite regular drink? - Juice (but I haven't had it for some time)
69) Tag 5 friends: Whoever's bored n just want to do this for fun
70) Current Song? - Some song from Spring Waltz OST

2008-05-06T19:45:00.002+08:00

It isn't u who is the only one being frustrated. Even if the fact that I'm sacrificing my sleep just to call u means nothing to u, even if having me returning home after work and dozing off immediately without even changing and eating dinner means nothing to u, at least the least u can do is to not shout at me and say u're finding it a pain that I'm calling u before work. Do u think I like it too? But what other choices have I got if u're always busy during weekends, and by the time I finish work and rush home, u'll be asleep?

And do u think u're the only pissed off about your job problem? Do I not feel guilty that because of me, u have to job hunt, when u could sit comfortably in your government office and continue living your life like a prince? Just like u, I feel insecure too. Yet I can't even talk to u about it because u dread me mentioning abt it. And everyday, I feel like as if I'm living my life with u without a proper direction. Sometimes, I don't even know what I am doing. Neither do I know what you're thinking. Neither do I know how to talk to u in order not to aggravate u. I'm not asking for anything to happen now even if I want to. I will be happy enough being given a direction and know where we're heading.

Deteriorating health

2008-05-02T06:57:00.002+08:00

I ran up to the acute admissions unit at 9am with my hair still quite messed up (didn't really comb it neatly) and without putting on any tinted mosturiser. And when my team saw me, they started laughing.

I was an hour late for my post-take ward round, and it was obvious to my team that I must be so completely exhausted from the on calls that I couldn't get up.

"Don't panic. I was late too...hhahaha" my ever so lovely Consultant said. :)

Anyway..

I can feel my health deteriorating slowly. I haven't been sleeping much, and everyday after work, I'll be studying in my room until abt 1am at least before I ring Dearie. I should probably speak lesser to him, but I don't think our 30-60 minute conversation daily isn't overboard, since he's the only person (apart frm my parents) whom I can bare my heart to. But it really is draining, and even though others have suggested setting a time, this won't seem to be feasible in our case, because he's usually with his paternal family during weekends and talking wouldn't be convenient, and unfortunately, that's the only time I am free to talk at reasonable hours.

Days whereby I would just come back home and collapse on my bed, sleeping instantly for about 2 hours, are becoming more and more frequent too. Practically everyday, my body would ache as well.

I know I'm terribly exhausted, and I am thankful that it's the long weekend coming up, allowing me to sleep my fill and recharge my battery.

I think the strong lack of sleep, and lack of proper food and nutrition are contributing factors. Sometimes I'm even tempted to just get a friend to take some bloods from me, to check my general health status (won't be surprised to find myself anaemic).

Been falling ill quite often too. Just within a few months, I have already seen the doc twice.

*Michelle's Blogging..*